Notes From A Boston Man's Trip Midwest

Whilst in Minneapolis, I met with my buddy Leo for lunch at a place called Pizza Luce. Leo graciously offered to split a vegan pie with me, but I rebuffed him— this is a special occasion, and rules were made to be broken. Pizza has a notoriously difficult time getting veganized, and since Minnesota’s cuisinal reputation was on the line, I offered to break vedge and give the place a fair judge of quality. Leo suggested we go with some kind of chipotle chicken slice— which is kind of a bad sign, but whatever. And then I took a bite.

Oh. 

Oh no. Mother Gaia, forgive me.

Having grown up in NYC, I can assure you that it’s not the water thing— New York Pizza is good because of the steel-sharpens-steel quality that comes with having a gazillion high-quality competitors packed into one sweaty gym sock of a city. Minnepolitans— who I can now say, behind the safety of a paywall, really ARE like hobbits— must clearly lack a certain brain node, one which is doubtlessly tied to the serial killer/road rage gene, and which is present in the minds of Yorkers and Chicagoites Phils of Delphia and which allows them to channel their latent hulkish mishanthropy and total-nuke death drive, somehow, into the production of high-quality endemic junk foods. To put it simply— the minneapolitans are too happy, too satisfied, too contented as a people, to ever produce something like the Philly Cheesesteak or the New York Slice. (uhh- not counting summer 2020). Even Bostonites— utterly soulless homunculi that they are— lack this rage genome, and thus, Boston is surprisingly lacking when it comes to having quality signature foods. Decent seafood, lobster rolls? Maybe. But throughly tourist bait, and nowhere as good as what you’d get from, say, Cape Cod or Buttfuck Maine. Most ‘Average Bostonians’ (see comic) presumably subsist off some kind of nutrient cube, or fast-casual chopped nutrient bowl. You want real Boston cuisine? Go to Clover Food Lab. It’s sterile, scientific, and, unlike most exports of Harvard Square, actually pretty decent. 

Anyway, Minneapolis has hotdish. Be sure to Google that on an empty stomach, because it’ll either make you hungry or make you want to throw up