idk

I wish i was making things up, but I'm not and unfortunately this has been my reality this 2025.

Jan - Feb: My hearing started to go bad out of nowhere. I was diagnosed with moderate hearing loss in my right ear and up to this day, still have the tinnitus sound that from time to time messes up with my anxiety (but tyg it's not as loud as it used to). I have to swallow and realize as well that the things that i enjoy doing before are things that I can no longer do the same in the future.

March: I was confined in the hospital for an unknown reason and made me lose all my workout progress that I grinded back in 2024. Ever since, i feel like i still not have the same strength and physical condition that I had back then. My vision also started going worse that I'm also taking maintenance drops. I've also started visiting physical therapist to address my tight shoulder/trap muscles due to stress and 'til this day, i think the condition is just still there.

April: I'm still trying to recover and bounce back from everything, but 3 of my relatives just passed away in the same month which did not help my overall mental health.

May - I was very optimistic (even posting the 2.0 Life update last May 1) that hopefully things would be better moving forward, but i guess this is just not my year. What's insane is i had several nightmares throughout this month and the previous one, and the most terrifying one was so close to becoming a reality. I had a dream that one of my aunts approached me and said that my brother didn't make it. Fast forward to the 3rd week of May and out of nowhere, my brother had a heart problem that we ended up rushing him to the hospital to perform immediate operation. Luckily everything went as planned, but similar to my partial hearing condition, his heart is also forever damaged. What's weird as well is that I kind of picked up the healthy lifestyle from him so even at present, we just don't know what happened. Doctors say we're lucky that it was immediately addressed by the doctors since they call that vein the "widow maker". And guess what, at the start of May, I was also formally diagnosed with major depression and anxiety by my psychiatrist.

June - When my brother was discharged at the end of May, well I guess it was my dad's turn who until today has not stopped hard coughing and we've been back and forth to the hospital for checkups. One of our relatives passed away again. And until now i feel like the days that i am not motivated to do anything just overshadows the days that I am feeling more on the optimistic side.

I've been asking myself almost everyday, what have I done in the past years that made me experience and deserve all these. As far as i know, i might not be the most perfect human being, but I'm confident that I would definitely fall under the category of a "good human being". Looking ahead anxiety is kicking in hard, that there seems to be a major negative experience that's been happening in my life on a monthly basis and to be honest, i'm just so lost at this point. Sometimes it's so hard to fake that everything is okay cause I know both physically and mentally that it's not.

I'm bracing myself for the upcoming month of July and i'm not even trying to be hopeful or whatsoever because it didn't do me good as i started this year. All i can say is that I'm facing my own battles and you guys probably are too. It doesn't cost us anything to be kind so please do so.

Why am i writing this down? idk i guess outside of my immediate close friends and my therapists. I feel like i just had to let it out to strangers who probably have experienced this or is experiencing this one way or another. Let's weather the storm and never resort to unplugging from the socket.

When will the days be brighter? i also don't know.