Friends-Only Post No. 1: Underneath the Armor

Friends!

Greetings from IDEOTVPOD headquarters in the crab fountain in beautiful Santa Cruz, California. Thank you so much for helping the show and welcome to the first exciting issue of our weekly subscriber-only email!

This week, we're grabbing our can openers -- we're naturally partial to the P-38, the only can opener that has its own fan pages on the internet -- and peeling off Armor to see what savory nougats may lie beneath. Most importantly, of course, we were able to play with our Very Exciting New Mics. We think they sound great, and we hope you do, too! Next, hey, how exactly did we find this ferociously mediocre little exercise in collage, anyway?

All we can really tell you is that at least one of us has an almost insatiable appetite for prose and narrative like this classic Onion banger -- excerpted, but the whole thing is worth reading -- or tattooing on your neck.

Gentlemen! You know our guest by reputation, I believe. He'll be working with us to retrieve as many items as we can from the Barcelona debacle. Once you're all briefed, I expect loadout and deployment in less than one hour.

Now, allow me to introduce you to the other members of Alpha Bravo team. The best available, and as good as any.

Hardin here was our man on the ground in Riyadh for that incident in '99. You remember that, I'm sure. Brooklyn boy, ex-Marine, a logistics wizard, a legend in the fixer business. Put Hardin on the ground anywhere in the world and, odds are, he speaks the language and knows some of the locals. One of the only men to walk out of Nepal after that infamous bit of betrayal in '83, and I do mean walk out: 1,100 miles worth in six weeks with nothing but good boots, a knife, and a newfound facility for the Sherpa tongue. A great yarn, that one, and all true. Shame no one can be told about it.

Anyways, when Collision remembered an insane novel he read forever ago, and looked up the writer, who turned out to be John "Steakley" Steakley, and his prose turned out to be the stuff you see below ... well, it didn't take a big brain like a podcast co-host needs to know that this book was going to work Just Fine.

Wice stared at me like I was crazy. Which, of course, I was. I don't know. That cloudy picture! Wice, Borglyn, me -- we were all so bizarre!

Especially me.

Wice kept staring for several moments, then relaxed. He sighed, shook his head. Was that compassion I saw in his eyes? Or flat pity?

"Say the word, prompted Gettle," tensing.

"Shut up, Gettle," barked Wice, suddenly angry again. "Shut up and get the hell out."

NEXT EPISODE

The next time you hear our dulcet tones will be our first FRIENDS-ONLY EPISODE! Holy crap -- this is amazing!

No spoilers, but it's not a book, it's not something with the slightest literary merit, and it's definitely one of the most baffling artifacts we've ever encountered, and the episode is Just For You, and we hope you like it extremely and extraordinarily much a lot.

COLLISION'S SAVAGE OWNING OF THE WEEK

Noodles and Collision were on a road trip the other week, and Noodles decided it would be a great time to catch up on the ol' podcast.

Noodles: Does it make you nervous, listening in the car with me?

Collision: Why?

Noodles: Because I'm judging you.

Collision: ...you're always judging me.

Noodles: ...fair.

THIS WEEK'S STING

By Facebook request, this week's sting is, oddly, Collision yelling. Think of this as the thing that you hear at the very end of the episode, and feel free to use it as a very, very loud ringtone.

xoxox, IDEOTVPOD