You Are Spider-Man...

Hello, it's me, your friendly neighbourhood Steve. In episode 308 of the podcast I presented my regular feature, entitled "You Are Spider-Man. Can You Eat The Moth That Has Become Trapped Inside Your Lampshade?"

As a special bonus treat, here is that feature in full, so that you can see how YOU would fare if you were Spider-Man, and wanted to eat the thing. There are even bits in here that I didn't read out in the episode, so it's a Genuine Patreon Exclusive. Just For YOU.

And now it's time for Steve's regular feature...

You are spider man. Can you eat the moth that is trapped inside your lampshade?

Hello spider man. It is Sunday night, 2am, and you have just come back from dancing with your best friend Batman at a provincial gay nightclub. You left after a heated argument with the bouncer, when you accidentally shot a web that knocked a lesbian into a floor-to-ceiling display of complimentary lubes.

a) Post an Instagram story of the lesbian, desperately flailing around on the frictionless dancefloor with the caption “a slippery customer”, followed by the emoji of the monkey covering his eyes

Batman replies with a bitmoji of himself saying “sweet dreams lady”.

b) Check your spider man fridge for some spidey snacks

You open your spider man fridge and – besides the gallons and gallons of stolen wallpaper paste you need to drink to fire sticky webbing out of your wrist – you find it totally empty. Your spidey stomach starts to grumble, and your spidey senses tell your brain that you are very very hungry indeed. Just as you begin to feel faint, you hear a fluttering sound. But where is it coming from?

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a) It’s something other than the moth

Your spidey senses correct you. 

b) It’s a moth in the lampshade like from the title of the feature

It is the moth in the lampshade like from the title of the feature. It is fluttering about inside the spherical paper shade that is suspended around the kitchen’s ceiling light. The moth is casting a shadow that grows and shrinks as the insect desperately flaps around its papery prison, like a lesbian on a lubricated dancefloor. But unlike a lesbian, you’re going to eat this moth, because you are a spider man.

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a) Try to stick your tongue through the hole in the bottom of the lampshade

Climbing atop a chair, you attempt to insert your spider man tongue into the open hole at the bottom of the lampshade. But the moth flutters just out of reach, and instead you lick up a thick wodge of greasy dust. The sexual imagery of the situation is not lost on you. The dust contained spider poison and you die.

b) Try to reach your arm through the hole in the top of the lampshade

You use your spider man abilities to climb on the ceiling, and reach your spider arm down through the hole in the top of the lampshade in an attempt to grab the moth. But when your finger touches the hot hot bulb, the sudden pain causes you to lose your stickiness. You fall from the ceiling, cracking your skull open on the formica countertop. You fall unconscious, and though your spidey senses are going absolutely haywire, there’s nothing you can do and you bleed out over the next four hours. Batman discovers your body two days later, after you’ve gone all dry and your legs have curled up. 

c) Try to shake the moth out with your strong arms

You grab the lampshade with both hands like an angry baker, and shake it as roughly as you’re able to without damaging the light fitting. The unsuspecting moth is violently rattled around inside the lampshade and, eventually concussed by the repeated impacts, it tumbles from the paper sphere and on to the floor. You leap on the tiny moth corpse and greedily gobble him up. Victory for the spider man. 

You fall asleep, your spidey senses finally quietened by your lepidopteran nightcap. That night you die of old age at 27, the oldest spider ever to have lived, yet the youngest man ever to have died.