Done Adulting Vol. 1 Ch. 24

Once home, Becky told Jamie, “Go wait for me in your room. I’ll be there in a minute.” Amanda stayed behind.

“We have to get a new doctor, Mom. She and her nurse were just awful.”

“Agreed. We need to take Jamie out somewhere he can meet more bigs soon. He’s left the house twice so far, and both times were terrible for him. He’s gonna think we’re all monsters,” Rebecca sighed. “Still, I need to have a little talk with him. He can’t behave like that and expect to get away with it.”

“I know. The books say it’s important to confront littles as soon after misbehavior as you can.”

“Yeah, so I’m gonna go talk to him and then put him down for his nap.” She filled a bottle of water and went to Jamie’s room, where she found him sitting in his chair looking tired and holding his arm as though he’d been in an industrial accident.

“Jamie, we need to have a little talk.” She sat down in the rocking chair. “Come over here, please.” Jamie didn’t like where this was going, but her firm tone said it wasn’t a request. He got up and walked to her, and once he was close enough, she leaned out and picked him up, setting him down in her lap so they were facing each other. His heart skipped half a beat; the moment reminded him of just how much at the mercy of her good intentions he was.

He figured to head off trouble by apologizing, though what for he wasn’t sure. “Becky, I …”

“I’m going to talk first. I don’t like how that doctor and nurse talked to us or treated you. They had no excuse. We’re going to find a new one for you. Okay?”

“Thank you.”

“But I also don’t like the way you talked to them. When someone is rude to you, you can’t just be rude back. That doesn’t fix things. And your language is not alright. When you get angry or afraid, you need to use appropriate words.”

“I don’t think I said or did anything that was out of line.”

“Where you come from, when someone made you angry, is that how you talked to them?”

“Well, no.”

“Why not?”

“It would just be wrong; being rude is just wrong.”

“Exactly.”

“But people didn’t treat me like …”

“Like a little?” His ears face flushed. “I like you so much the way you are, Jamie. I like the way you came to us, and I wouldn’t change it for anything. You’re smart and funny and confident. Those are all good things, and it’s important to me you stay that way. Understand?”

He nodded.

“You are a little, and that’s such a good thing. Some things are different here, and they’re all for your own good, even if you don’t understand why. Like littles getting their temperature taken in their bottoms. That nurse should have explained things to you as she went along instead of ignoring you. She was wrong about the way she did it, but she did what she needed to do for you.”

Jamie wasn’t liking this discussion. Why do littles get treated differently? That seemed like a whole different conversation, and Jamie didn’t want to have it just then. He just wanted to end the lecture. Still …

“But … I’m not stupid. I’ve taken care of myself for a long time.”

“Of course you’re not stupid. You’re very, very smart. Remember when we talked about trust? That’s what this is. You gave up a lot of responsibilities, and that was for the best. But that means some things can’t be up to you. That’s why you have to trust us and let us make decisions for you, even when you don’t understand. It takes a lot of courage to trust that much.”

That made a certain sense. Someone with no responsibilities but who thinks they can still make decisions when it’s convenient for them is called a brat. Still, there’s a line between trust and credulity.

“That … But what if I really disagree?”

“You talk to me or Amanda about it, and we’ll listen, and then you trust us and do what we decide.”

“What if the only person around is someone I don’t know enough to trust?”

“Like who?”

“I don’t know … a babysitter?”

“I wouldn’t put a babysitter in charge of you that I didn’t trust. But, if you ever feel unsafe, you do what you think is best, and we’ll talk about it together later. Okay?”

“Okay.” So basically, Jamie thought, my right to do what I want is pretty limited. He thought back again to the adoption agreement. You have the rights of a minor, which effectively meant he had given up his rights, at lest a lot of them.

And he knew he wouldn’t have ever talked to anyone back home the way he did to the doctor and nurse. He knew better – it was rude, and it made whatever the problem was worse. On the other hand, he never got that frustrated back home. He didn’t need to shout to get people to pay attention to what he was saying, not since he was a kid. But it wasn’t as though Jamie wanted the right to be rude. That wasn’t the real issue; his right to make his own choices was.

The tables had turned. Jamie used to tell kids in new situations something very much like what Becky just told him. These people know best, or I wouldn’t put you with them; you need to do what they say, but if you ever feel unsafe or if they hurt you, tell me or another adult.

I just got told to behave myself and listen to the grown-ups, in other words, he thought. And overall, he didn’t disagree, at least in theory. Giving up the power to make certain decisions, which he had agreed to do, was something he had to do in order to have the freedoms having less responsibility was meant to bring for him. I can’t have my cake and eat it too. And he knew trying to wouldn’t help him in the long run; he’d just be another version of his old self, or worse.

“I know it will be hard for you sometimes, especially at first. Sometimes you might not succeed, and we’ll work on it together. Does that make sense,” Becky asked.

He could foresee that. No one never misbehaves. What then? One thing at a time, though, he thought. “It makes sense.”

“It’s your nap time. When you wake up, we can talk again if you have more questions.” She hugged him tightly, undressed him, and kissed him before raising the crib rail and turning off the light. “I love you, Jamie,” she said before she closed the door.

When Jamie woke up some time later, his arm still hurt. He found the bottle of water Becky had left in his crib and started drinking. He never seemed to have to wait long between waking up from a nap and someone coming to get him. He did his business in anticipation of being clean again very soon. Sure enough, he only had to wait a few minutes. It was Amanda, the person he wanted to see. She shut the door behind her.

“Hey, buddy!” She said it in excited voice, a little higher than normal, but it wasn’t like when others did it. She was excited to see him, Jamie could tell, and it wasn’t patronizing. He smiled back at her but stayed where he was. She lowered the crib rail and knelt down, then ran her hand over his back. He was beginning to recognize her hands by the way they felt different from Rebecca’s – softer, more delicate. In some ways, this was the best part of his day.

It was Amanda’s too. She always took the opportunity when she could to get him up from his naps; it was quality time alone together.

“How about we go straight into some PJs for the rest of the day?” That was fine by Jamie; he was growing to like those sleepers. She picked a pair from his dresser. He wondered how many there were. He’d only worn a couple of them more than once.

“Let’s get you cleaned up.”

This was also getting so routine that it was losing the power to bother Jamie. So long as he was able to time it right, he didn’t have to endure it long. That it didn’t bother Amanda or Becky made him feel at least as though he didn’t have to feel ashamed of where he did his business. But bothering him less wasn’t the same as not bothering him at all.

“How does your arm feel?”

“It still hurts.”

“You were very brave.”

Jamie blushed. “No, I wasn’t.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because I cried like an infant.” He might have been a little, but he was still an adult, and adults don’t cry from a little pain.

“Ya know, every day I see people who walk around with some hurt inside them. Are they brave because they don’t cry?”

“Well … no.”

“So what makes them brave?”

“I guess that they keep going.”

“That’s right. Anything else?”

Jamie thought about it. “I can’t think of anything.”

“How about that when they need to, they ask for help? I think that’s very brave.”

“I think so too.”

“And there’s nothing wrong with a little letting it out when something hurts a lot. That’s just another way of asking for help.”

That made Jamie feel better. It took away some of the embarrassment. He was clean again. “Manda?”

She smiled at him funny. “What did you call me?” He blushed; he hadn’t meant to.

“Um … ‘Manda.’ Sorry.”

She ruffled his hair. “Don’t be. I like it.” Jamie smiled. Now he had given her a name, too, even if he didn’t mean to.

“How bad … was I?” He wanted her opinion. It meant the most to him.

Zipping up his footies, she picked him up and carried him to the rocking chair, sitting down with him in her lap. He was getting used to it, but if he paused to think about it, sitting in someone’s lap – even being able to fit in someone’s lap – still seemed strange.

“Can you hear me,” she asked him.

“Of course I can.”

“And you’re listening really well?”

“Yes … promise.” Was he about to get another lecture?

“You weren’t ‘bad,’ Jamie. I don’t think you could be bad if you wanted to. You just made a little mistake. And when that doctor started talking about medicating you, I wanted to make a much bigger mistake than you did. Did you notice what Mom did?”

“She just shut down the conversation.”

“Right. That was the right way to handle it. The rest of it, they only did what they were supposed to, but it was how they did it. They were very mean to you. Has anyone been mean to you before?”

“Of course. Lots.”

“When you were a kid, how did you handle it?”

“I’d get angry … which didn’t usually work.”

“Exactly. You learned better ways to handle it. Ya know what I think happened? I think, without you realizing it, not having a say in what was happening made you feel you weren’t responsible for what happened next, so you said what felt good even though you really knew it wouldn’t help.”

Through Rebecca’s lecture and now hers, neither had taught him anything knew, but they helped him connect the pieces, or at least clarify some of the boundaries of his new life. But hearing Amanda’s theory for why he’d behaved the way he had, Jamie knew in that she was right. He was impressed by her insight. Jamie was beginning to wonder whether Amanda already had him totally figured out.

“But you were responsible for some of what could have happened next, weren’t you,” she asked socratically.

“Yes.”

“That can be really hard to remember when we feel powerless, that we only feel that way. What we say and do can make things better or worse.”

Jamie certainly knew that was true. There wasn’t much that couldn’t be made worse.

“You’re right.”

“And I know you know I’m right, and I think you already knew everything I just said. Everyone makes some bad choices when they’re stressed, and if anyone has a reason to be stressed, it’s you. I promise that’ll get better. And anyway, helping you make good choices and learn from the bad ones is another big sister responsibility.”

Jamie just wrapped her arms around her. He shuddered a bit, to know he was safe with her. She kissed his head and stroked his hair. “Feel better?”

“Much. Thank you.”

“I’ve got something for you.” She reached around to her back pocket and withdrew an envelope.

Jamie’s breath quickened, excited and nervous as he was at the sight of it. She handed him the letter, and he looked at it for a long moment.

“Tell you what – how ‘bout you just hang out in here for a while?” She set him on his feet, and he looked away from the envelope.

“Okay.”

Amanda decided to empty the diaper pail, so she took that with her. Before she reached the door, Jamie asked, “Manda? What are you doing later?”

“After lunch? I thought I’d go lay in the sun for a bit.”

“Can I come with you?”

“Of course.”

When Amanda walked by his room twenty minutes later, Jamie was under his crib, re-reading his letter.

_____________________________________

Dearest Jamie,

What a joy to see your name on your letter! My thoughts turn to you by the hour, and the hours are long sometimes. It is a great relief to know you are well.

You are not broken, Jamie. Never.

You have me and always will. Forever and ever. Whatever else you doubt in the world, never doubt that. No distance or time can sever what we have. We are part of each other, now and always.

I’m so happy you and Amanda are growing close. She’s a sweeter person than she knows. I saw it in her like I saw it in you. She is young yet, though not really so much younger than you and I. None of us knows all of what we are until time in its fullness reveals ourselves to us, but each day we come to know more. We shape and are shaped by the people around us. You are helping her to know herself for the person she is as much as she is helping you do the same.

Becky is right. Trust her, and you won’t regret it. I placed the two of you in each other’s arms. Trust that, and you will trust her.

My sweet boy, I do not know where the road goes. I don’t know the way. But I know you’re on the right road. I’d have held you back otherwise. It was hard enough not to.

You are a pilgrim now. Pilgrims have far to walk; they know where they mean to go, but they don’t always know what they’ll encounter along the way or what paths they’ll follow when the road diverges, but a pilgrim is never lost. Wherever he goes, he is still a pilgrim, and whether he ever arrives where he set out to, a pilgrim always arrives where he is meant to.

A pilgrim’s walk is easy some days. There’s dew on the grass in the morning. The sun warms you. The breeze ushers you along.

Other days, the walking is hard. The mud pulls at your feet. The rain pounds at you. The wind pushes you back.

Good days and bad, it hurts sometimes to walk far. But the way provides for pilgrims who keep walking. I’ve never met someone so able to endure as you. You will walk so far.

And when you think you no longer can, when it hurts too much to take just one more step, Becky and Amanda will carry you. Others will too. They’ll carry you because it lightens their hearts to shoulder your weight. We carry those we love.

And when you’re ready, they’ll know it, even if you do not, and they’ll set you back on your feet. How far you will go.

I walk beside you always.

Your Forever Friend,

Cheryl