Why My Limits are an Autocracy
Added 2024-11-14 04:42:14 +0000 UTC“You should never have to make a case for your limits and submit them to another party for approval.” @AncillaL
“Why?” was S’ favourite word. When we were negotiating the terms of our relationship, “Why?” When I was setting new limits, “Why?” When I safe worded, “Why?”
I made one mistake during those conversations, and only one: I believed he deserved an answer, so I always gave one. Why? Because you hurt the hell out of me last time, and I never want to experience that again. Because PTSD. Because epilepsy. Because I feel nervous after your last wreck of a scene.
Yesterday, I read a post by AncillaL, and I realised there were only a few valid replies to “Why?” Here they are in case you need them.
Because I bloody said so.
Because the wind changed direction and I changed my mind.
Because my limits aren’t a democracy.
Because the sky is blue. Or something. Who knows?
If saying, "no" is closing a door, "why" is knocking immediately afterwards. When someone asks the question, they’re treating your boundaries as optional. Answering the question is opening the door because “why?” is an attempt to launch a new conversation. This is what usually comes next:
But you’re a sub. Limits aren't submissive.
Give me another chance. I won’t make the same mistake again. I swear it.
That’s not a good reason. You’re living in fear.
“Why?” assumes that “no” isn't a full sentence. It assumes that the sub in question can’t make intelligent decisions about their boundaries. “Why?” suggests the top in question gets an equal say in what you won't allow. When someone says no to your offer of tea do you ask, “Why?” Well, no. That would just be absurd. If someone doesn’t want tea, they don’t want tea. If someone doesn’t want electro play, they don’t want electro play. “Why” Is not a rational response. It’s an attempt to strong-arm you into changing your position, so let’s practice our response.
Why?
Because a butterfly on the other side of the planet flapped its wings.
Because “why” is a terrible part of the alphabet.
Because my limits are an autocracy.
