If you believe your sub is weaker than you, you probably don’t understand them well enough to dominate them at all.

You never knew what you’d get when S came home. He’d spend many hours thinking up new ways to torture me, so I never knew what I’d get that night. I only knew it would be interesting. E came later. He probably had ideas, too, but damned if he was going to share them. He had enough guilt to train a convent, so if he wanted something out of me, it would come out as a whisper or not at all. For us, BDSM meant playing out the same damned kinks every time, preferably in the same order. It felt vanilla, even if I came out the other side covered in marks.

Creativity and confidence are the most under-valued skills in the kink scene. They’re as rare as they are delicious because your average top isn’t in it for the experience. He’s here to assuage his ego with domineering fluff. “Dominate” is not a synonym for “dictate,” and if you’re using my submission to inflate your self-worth, that’s not kink. It’s therapy—and terrible therapy at that.

If I wanted a life coach, I’d pay for one.

If I wanted another therapist, I’d hire one.

If I wanted another mother, I wouldn’t look for her in the kink scene.

If I wanted to be a mother to a random dick pic, I’d seriously reconsider my life choices.

No. I engage in kink for fun. Sex will always be about pleasure for me. I prefer my sadists vulnerable, inspired, and capable of laughing. If one bratty strike creates a crack in your ego, we’re involved in kink for two opposing reasons.

Go out and find whichever sub suits you. I am not her. I’m defiant. I’m reluctant to submit. I trust my own competence as a human. You can’t break this horse with a feather, so don’t even try. To me, a domineering ego is like a mosquito: Fragile and irritating.

In days of yore, Fetlifians loved the label “alpha sub.” If you used the term, it meant you were powerful and competent. Somewhere along the way, we began to realise that most subs were strong and competent, so the idea of the alpha dissipated. We were not as unusual as we thought, so I’d hazard a guess that many of you are allergic to domineering tops, too.

That’s because dominants and submissives are equals. We submit out of choice, not out of inferiority. We do so despite our strength, and not because of our fragility. If you believe your sub is weaker and less competent than you, you probably don’t understand them well enough to dominate them at all.