Even Noobs Can Tell the Difference Between Kink and Abuse

If you’re new to kink, telling the difference between dominance and abuse might seem as baffling as The Riemann Hypothesis. You’re inexperienced. You don’t have a working knowledge of consent. All the red flags you learned in your vanilla life seem to no longer apply. How do you work out the difference between consensual sadism and exploitation when you’ve only been roaming around in the kink scene for a few months?

I have an answer to that question. You tell the difference by listening to your feelings. If you’re with an ethical and compassionate dominant, you will feel free, not trapped. You will walk taller, not hunker into dark corners trying to become invisible. You will feel happy in your dynamic. If you feel abused, the odds are excellent that you’re being abused.

Your gut knows. You know. You just don’t think you know, so there are few better safety tools than self-trust.

Do you feel respected?
Or condescended to?

Do you feel shame?
Or pride?

Do you feel sure of your dynamic?
Or is it a puzzle you just can’t seem to solve?

Your vanilla years have taught you how to tell a predator from a friend, so do you feel confused? Stifled? Lost? These feelings shouldn’t coexist with kink relationships. Ethical BDSM leaves you feeling whole and at peace.

Do you trust your dominant?
Or do you feel guilty for your lasting distrust? Trust is earned, not owed. If you feel obligated to provide it, there are toxins in the water. This will not get easier. It will only become increasingly confusing until you’re browbeaten into simply accepting a top because resisting became too difficult.

When you’re loved, you feel loved. This applies as much to kink dynamics as it does to vanilla relationships. When your partner feels contempt, you feel it, too. It’s right there in the knot in your throat. After you’ve been reduced to nothingness, leaving feels well-nigh impossible, so if you’ve noticed contempt, leave now before he closes the door.

So you know nothing about BDSM? I don’t care. If you're old enough to be on this site, you have at least two decades of experience with humans. Your feelings will tell you everything you need to know about an abusive dominant. Honour them. They will keep you safe.