Complaint Letter For My Freemium Miracle Body

To whom it may concern

I’ve given your Freemium Miracle Body™ a four-decade trial and am returning it for replacement. Its only consistent talent its ability to grow cellulite out of fresh air. I admit that it excels at eating chocolate, but don’t start telling me that has anything to do with the cellulite because it fucking doesn’t.

Your website said Miracle Body™ was superior to the male model because it could walk through a kitchen without getting mud all over the tiles. What I was not told was that the Freemium Masculine Model’s legs would look better in stockings than mine do. It’s clear that Donald Trump heads up your design team.

The only miraculous thing about this body is its ability to go from Ivory White to Raging Hot Serrano Pepper Red without passing any hue gradients in between. It’s also prone to man flu, so you probably got my product jumbled up with the man parts at the factory.

I would also like to return my uterus. Do men shed the insides of their testicles every month they fail to reproduce? No, so your company is sexist and/or has shares in Tampax.

Which reminds me, what is wrong with my hair? I don’t need to predict the weather based on frizz as I have eyes. They’re quite good at figuring out if it’s raining right now. I have windows and doors for that—extremely innovative.

When you send my replacement, please make sure it has permanent mascara and my brother’s 70 centimetre long eyelashes.

When you design your Freemium Miracle Body 2.0, please fix your maintenance accessories, too. Celery and carrots should be high fat and, cupcakes, vitamin enriched. I’m quite sure this error would have occurred to you if you’d asked Melania to design this model. I get that Melania’s Miracle Body would only be able to talk in plagiarised song lyrics, but I would be willing to make that sacrifice in exchange for a new, super healthy diet of zero calorie red velvet cupcakes fortified with thiamine.