Why I loathe myself

I was always a troubled kid and the definition of failure in my past but I always bounce back but after this story, it will likely won't be the case anymore.

Back when I finally found my confidence and also the time when I started going to gyms, I reenrolled to my old school to pick myself up from where I last started. It was a great first start until one day it just ruined me for good, an event so drastic and foolish that made me realize what it means to be a failure. The teacher gave us an activity that day, it was about the lesson of trust and loss and moving on. The activity involves a basket passed around the students and donating a sum of money of what they think is best to donate and when every student has donated the basket was passed around again reclaiming the money they donated to see if one of us is lying and is trying to get more money or stealing from someone. The teacher also states that whatever happens to that money that was missing will be missing for good. Here's the thing, I was against it considering we had to use real money that these students barely even have and was also a means to eat and go home after school and to no ones surprise someone did lose their money. A student cried because apparently she lost some money that wasn't originally hers and she felt guilty about it. Then I tried to confront the situation by complaining against the teachers because I believed in what is right, I even, unfortunately, made a public post about the recent events calling out the school that almost everyone had their attention to, but with little to none support nor backups and evidences.

I was foolish, I felt like I was snared in a trap but even so I was confident and when it was time that I have to have a stern talk to the teachers... I cried, cower, ran away to the problem. Turns out it wasn't a problem to anyone at all, the students had resolved the matter and I made myself look like the villain for trying to revolt. I was alone at that time so I gave up and lost all my confidence. Stopped trying to be the "good person" I so believed in me, gave up the gym because I thought it was the root to my "cockiness", and completely lost all understanding and meaning to myself, and since that day, I loathe myself everyday.

So, you now know where my gloom, my nihilism, my self-doubt, my hopeless mindset, and especially my cowardly trait stems from.

I don't know if I have the strength to continue to be "better" honestly. Every time I try to improve, I was reminded of past troubles that haunts me and result in failure and in that moment, I was emotionally and mentally scarred for life.

I stop believing in myself... stopped complimenting every little thing to myself... I stopped believing in compliments... I stopped trying to heal myself and closed myself against the world.

Trapped in my mental cage, never to understanding the freedom to speak for myself, ever again. And that is my story, of why I despise my very existence.