The Last Few Months

Hello all,

It's been a strange few months.

From the New Year until March I found myself working like a mangaka - long hours with no weekend - in order to hit a deadline I had neglected in favor of spending quality time with family in December. It was a decision I knew I'd regret as I made it. I didn't really foresee the depths of harm which working *badly* would have on me.

So, in the second week of January, I sat down at my computer to colour my book and I remained there until the work was complete. In the early spring, when the work was done, I stood up and felt I had changed. Or was it the work? Or was it my relationship to the work? For the first time, I had no desire to draw. The things I enjoyed doing to relax pre-deadline were unappealing. All I wanted was to feel I was  part of the world.

Deciding to draw comics was not a practical decision. It was a decision I made after spending aimless years working customer service jobs. Friends were in university, switching majors, or finishing their degrees and getting real jobs. I'm not an un-interested person but whenever I considered a "career" it felt like nothing could please me. Or to put it more realistically, that there was nothing I could do every day within most any structure I considered that wouldn't make me feel deeply miserable. I found myself reading comics again, and then I found myself drawing. I rediscovered that I could sit and draw at my desk endlessly.

After submitting my book in March, I avoided looking at it. I felt relieved but had no desire to celebrate it. My mind was immediately on my next deadline; I had to draw enough Blind Alley strips to cover the period from mid-March until late-May in order to not work while traveling. I sat down, pushed it all aside, and spent five days pumping out strips. I did all the boring housekeeping that comes along with running a strip. I slammed the door on my way out.

I arrived in London feeling emotionally distraught. I was relieved to have no work on my plate but I felt tangled up. I just wanted to just look, feel, experience, and let that "nothing" reverberate. There was no desire in me to think. There was no desire in me to draw. There wasn't any interest in comics. It didn't scare me because I knew I had mistreated myself - I had smothered it on my own volition.

Over weeks, my partner and I wandered around the city, from gallery to gallery, or pub to pub, or no location in particular to no certain destination. My feet were sore but I started to feel a thrum, or a gentle tugging, to pull out my sketchbook.

I created arbitrary rules for how I'd engage with my sketchbook; no cartooning - I could only draw what I could see. Not often, yet I drew in museums and galleries. I drew what was in front of me. Whenever I'd default to drawing something in "my style" I'd close my sketchbook. I felt like I was in a period of much needed expansion. I wanted to find new ways of drawing. I wanted to see differently and find new marks to express it. I felt, and still feel, a desire to draw with new mediums.

Inevitably, as I idled, I found myself teasing out the idea for a new project. I'd shush it and it would shout back. I started keeping notes on it but I have not allowed myself to sketch anything for it, or even cartoon generally, quite yet.

Here I am two months later. I've not cartooned for over a month but I am excited to eventually do so. I am planning on trying new mediums for future projects; I bought a new brush, a few oil pastels, and have dug out my nibs. I'm grateful that over the past two years I've not had the time to absently draw in my sketchbook but it's currently exactly what I need.

Anyways, the only point to any of this, is that it's extremely nice to love drawing with a certainty. I am invigorated to return to Blind Alley and my other projects.

Take care of yourself, and what you love, with and in whatever you do.

Exciting things soon. Expect the previously mentioned Patreon revamp soon. There'll also be more blog posts; process and a peak in my sketchbook.

Thanks for sticking around,

Adam