Deep Leffen Goes to Court: Part IX

This is Part 9 in an ongoing series. See Part 8 here 

he said, "as long as i'm with friends, every game is a friendly." hugs was beaming with pride. the judge couldn't help but feel pity. he said, "hey, HugS. you be good, okay?" hugS nodded, accepting his fate.

"oh and one more thing", hugS said as he cleared his throat.

"It's Frankie D. Final Answer"

armada stood up, arms and legs steepled in a cross formation. he crab-walked up to the microphone to deliver a 19 minute beat poem. in between the beats he found the time to announce his next witness. "I call to the stand the one... the only... Mew2King, Codename: AssBl4st3r5000" 

my heart sank. i thought mew2king was dead, but i knew somewhere in that lifeless husk of a body was the spirit of someone who knew i was innocent. i knew somewhere in that hollow, dumb shell of a human being was an even dumber man who, against all reason, believed in my innocence.

i turned to armada and said, "god bless you, you beautiful man. i'm going to be saved after all." 

armada patted me on the shoulder reassuringly and said, 'leif, the prosecution is going to bury you alive. you're guilty as shit, and we both know it. between you and me, i've been texting the judge this whole time. he says he's been sharpening the blade of his guillotine every night during this trial, and that if the jury doesn't sentence you to death, he'll do it himself."

"oh, thank you" i told armada, eyes full of tears. "thanks for pushing the lawyer meta each and every day."

mew2king approached the stand wearing a black cape, leather combat boots, and a shirt that said "this is the shirt mang0 wipes my ass with." he opened his arms wide and said, "i heard you needed a god." Mew2king unsheathed a Longsword he had been carrying on his back and plunged it deep into an audience member's chest. Everyone in the crowd within a 30 ft radius of Mew2King immediately climaxed.

"Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated", Mew2king boomed. "Like most people who have reached Peak Tech, my corporeal visage is merely a visual contrivance to those on the terrestrial plane who would die upon seeing my true form." armada began to hurl fruit at Mew2King, but quickly realized he was immune to all thrown produce.

The Judge was beaming with respect for Mew2King, "Would you like to read your opening statement from the Bible According to Mew2King?" he asked. "I'm a huge fan."

Mew2King swelled with pride (and muscles). He cleared his throat and began, "In this earthly realm there is but one law and that law is this: the blistering light of truth countermands all other forces in the physical universe. It is the one force that binds the weak and the strong, and it is the one force that will lead us to salvation. 

Any and all individuals that purport to operate outside this truth should relegate their thoughts to the 10-15 Hz range (or lower) so that their thoughts do not interfere with my own. Those soft of brain and ugly of mind who fail to relegate their thoughts to the Idiot Bandwidth (also known The Bandwidth for Dumb-Dumbs, Idiots, and the Mentally Hobbled) risk their unlearned mass being devoured by my deliciously omniscient glare. Do not mistake my Omniscient Glare for an act of malice. It is but one of many acts of benevolence that I inflict on those too stupid to appreciate it."

The Judge had tears in his eyes and an erection so hard that it would later be celebrated in museums around the world upon his death. Mew2King continued, "should an Idiot Man or a Lovely Idiot Lady-Woman think a Wicked Thought - a thought capable of incapacitating the thinker - and should that thought be parallel to my own, then they are subject to instant banishment from this physical plane. I have no tolerance for Wicked Thoughts, and those who think them will be sent beyond the event horizon of my mercy."

The Judge punched the air in excitement, "that was very nice. I love that part"

Mew2King switched on his laptop emblazoned with the letters "M2Kool4U" and opened up a word document labeled "the Bible According to Mew2King version 28 final FINAL". He began to read his opening statement:

"I am not now, nor have I ever been, an adherent to any organized religion. I can immediately seize the true nature of reality with my thoughts alone. I think magic exists, but it pretty much follows the same mechanics as science. As for the mechanics underpinning my own success -  I did not practice to get this good at the Super Smash Bros. series. Instead, I sought merely to understand the game, and with understanding came the ability to project my will onto the screen."

I passionately spread my legs and bent over. Mew2King teasingly swung his sword, slapping it against my back, and continued.

"The one maxim I hold above all others is this: if you do not play as if everything is always on the line, then defeat won't sting as hard as it must for you to improve. I understand that a video game is merely one medium of many onto which I can project my deepest ambitions, but it is the medium that chose me. I do not care if people find this pursuit frivolous or pretentious, because, in the final analysis, none of us really get to choose how our greatness manifests.

the judge dropped his gavel, barely able to control his violent libidinal urges. he was thrusting in his chair to the rhythm of Mew2King's speech. armada was leaning back, arms and legs crossed, stoically throbbing in anticipation of his every word. 

"My primary task, my only task, on this earthly plane is thus: to systematically dismantle every human being alive until none remain."

Mew2King noticed the judge was dipping his mustache in soy sauce with one hand and jacking it off with the other. 

at that moment, Mew2King began to burrow into the ground, creating a massive crater. when he resurfaced he was seated behind a large defense table, adorned with diplomas from the "Mew2King College's of Magical Arts", a certificate of excellence from the "Mew2King's College of Tricks and Treats", and a framed photo of baby gorilla.

"The prosecution is pretty much running out of the standard arguments they usually trot out against losing defendants like Leif," Mew2king addressed the court. "The prosecution is clutching at straws. But they happen to have chosen straws that I have in fact clutched many times in the past. Fortunately, I have clutched enough in my day to know when a person is destined to lose, and Leif here is a man who was born to die. As such, I believe I can present a cogent and convincing argument that the crime with which my client has been charged includes some, most, or even all of the most heinous acts one can commit on the terrestrial plane."

The judge stood up to speak, but mew2king continued, "as you all know, there is a chasm of space-time that exists between "best player right now" and "best player of all time." If you attempt to traverse this chasm in the search for some grand truth, you will be ripped apart - emotionally, mentally and physically - by the cruelties of an uncaring universe. Should you be foolish enough to try, the uncaring universe will deliver an answer that poisons the spirit. That answer will be this: "it doesn't matter."  The worst thing you can do is attempt to cross this chasm. The best thing you can do is fall in love."