Hard Digest August 4: Early Access Ska, Tool, Babies, and More

Ska Reunion Show Ruined by Ska

By Brett Olsen

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local reunion show for ska band Skattergories was reportedly ruined by all the ska music, confirmed sources who wondered when it was going to finally end.

“As a ska fan, I was mortified by all the ska,” said Vinny Smalls, founder of The Skattergordiots fanclub and one-time street team member for the band. “You have to understand—this band was my life, and for the first song or two, I felt like I was back in a bouncy castle in 1996. I was skanking with the best of them until out of nowhere I started to think about 9/11. I lost my rhythm, experienced vertigo, then nearly passed out. It’s like my body physically rejected all the ska. Anyway, I’m less of a Reel Big Fish guy nowadays and more of a Counting Crows kind of dude now. Maybe I’ve aged out of upstrokes.”

Skattergories singer Freddie Kirby could feel the underwhelming energy from the crowd.

“We haven’t changed a thing since we last performed 30 years ago, and while our shows used to be a jovial, raucous riot, everyone tonight just seemed depressed—like something had fundamentally shifted within the last three decades. It’s almost like ska isn’t a dominant music genre in 2025,” said Kirby. “We originally disbanded due to the logistics of having a 17-member horn section, so we were elated to find out that we were all somehow free on the same Saturday. A good three or four fans have been clamoring for a reunion show, and we went all out. I brought 10 vats of pickles, a bushel of kazoos, inflatable beach balls, and we were even going to do a cover of ‘La Cucaracha.’ Somehow, our best wasn’t enough.”

Clinical Psychologist Harold Bernstein says this type of trauma response is not abnormal when attending ska shows.

“What Mr. Smalls experienced is incredibly normal,” said Bernstein. “In a strange way, going to a ska show as an adult is akin to leaving home for the first time, to growing up all over again. Many people may experience an almost out-of-body experience when realizing that the horns which once provided comfort now create headaches and keep them up at night. There’s nothing funny about ska. It’s a dangerous genre that should only be experienced with the proper precautionary measures.”

At press time, Kirby was reviewing the return policy of 400 kazoos while a forlorn trumpet rang out in the distance.

If Tool Isn’t the Most Musically Complex Rock Band, Then Why Did All of My Friends Stop Talking to Me?

By Samuel Abraham

As I ponder the waxing moon in contemplative solemnity, free of any obligations either vocational or especially social on this Friday evening with nothing to attend and certainly nothing to attend with anyone, my record player excitedly hums my third go around of Forty Six & 2. Though the masterful musical gambits and ceaselessly complex polyrhythmic, ethereal, incantatory bardic gems that Tool (and no one else, save for perhaps Mozart) consistently lets loose from their unrivaled canon are company enough for a connoisseur of all things fine such as myself, I cannot help but be left befuddled as to the state of my communal isolation. I know that some corn-fed rubes and untold numbers of the uneducated rabble of simpletons that dictate our national dialectic would contend that there are plenty of other bands, artists, and various other stewards of Apollonian pursuits whose body of work is equally as thoughtful, complex, and intentional as that of Tool.

To that, I would posit this immutable query: if that were the case, if Tool is just one of many artists whose work belongs in the uppermost echelon of your regard, then why, over the course of the past six months since my recent discovery of Tool, would all of my friends, in systemic and calculable fashion slowly but surely stop talking to me?

I am certainly well-read and conscientious enough to ascertain that my relentless intellectual caterwauling extolling the unparalleled virtuosity of Tool’s albums and the fact that only a mind such as the one that rests serenely atop my shoulders and seemingly mine alone could even begin to comprehend is deterring to many. After all, even I could advocate on behalf of the devil momentarily to empathize with this sordid lot. It’s easy to imagine that it must be jarring, even aggravating for non-Tool fans to, I envision, take breaks from eating their fifth can of Hormel chili at lunchtime from their jobs at the steel mill before going home to their dilapidated shanty towns next to the city dump, only to have an erudite gentleman like me barge into their third world hovels to insist that they listen to Lateralus at full volume lest they be counted forevermore amongst those in that eternal grey twilight of those whose insatiable fetishization of the status quo has led them to the likes of lesser balladeering. However, I remain firm footed in the face of such a squall of mediocrity.

It certainly can’t be the fact that my entire being is repellent to the point of causing active, palpable discomfort, and it certainly can’t be that I’m riddled with a host of other unlikable qualities that would cause any reasonable person to head to the nearest exist at the mere mention of the possibility of my presence. It’s most definitely not that I’m conspicuously absent when the checks are brought at mealtime, that I haven’t bought deodorant since Obama was president, that I correct grammar in comment threads, that I refer to women as ‘females’ in normal conversation, or that I casually fart in crowded rooms and refer to it as “perfectly natural.”

No, the only plausible reason that I can deduce to explain my solitude is that Tool is, perhaps only rivaled by the wheel, the greatest invention of humankind, and the people simply don’t want to hear the truth.

Crying Baby on Flight Speaks for Everyone

By Rachel Hein

TOLEDO, Ohio — A local infant became the voice of the people as he wretched in discomfort and unleashed a harsh, ear-splitting wail reserved only for the skies, a sentiment that was shared across all passengers and crew, sources confirm.

“Listen, the kid was spot on,” shared witness Richard Halverson who was seated in the row behind the howling tot. “He looked right at me and spoke truth to power. I felt it in my bones. You know the day I’ve had? Flight cancelled out of Heathrow. Rerouted through Toronto. Luggage tracker shows it’s in Atlanta. And LA’s not even my destination, I’m trying to get to Dallas tonight! I can’t feel my body from the belt down because no leg room. I’m hungry. I’m tired. I’m sad. It just makes me want to cry, drool, and spit up some bile.”

Mother of the infant of interest, Susan Perry, impressively bounced her son on her knee and actively gesticulated, while bemoaning her lot.

“Oh, you think I wanted to be traveling with this screaming, colicky emotional terrorist? Of course not. My deadbeat husband forgot to coordinate childcare, so I got stuck taking him to my sister’s. This was supposed to be my one weekend to relax and read my fantasy book where the dragon is about to fuck the princess,” Perry lamented while shedding some tears. “I know I’m supposed to love this baby, and I do. I do. But I just miss when I could just stare out the window of a plane, headphones in, all alone with my thoughts. I had so many great thoughts. I don’t remember the last time I did that.”

Co-captain, Sean Whitley, confirmed the child’s tears even triggered a response in the aircraft’s cockpit.

“Yeah we heard it. That kid had some pipes on him. It just reminded me I’m missing my son’s birthday because United had me on call and booked me at the last minute for a long-haul because of delays in Memphis. I hate this job. Growing up, I always wanted to be a pilot, but I wish I’d done literally anything else,” Whitley said with a thousand-yard stare. “My son used to look at me and say, ‘Daddy, do airplane!’ And I’d put him on my back and pretend to lift off the ground like an airplane and zoom around the house, and we’d laugh and laugh. But he’s 17 now. I can tell he doesn’t respect me or admire me like he used to.”

At press time, the infant, deemed fight spokesperson, had a smooth landing and full diaper upon arrival.

School Bully Wouldn’t Be So Tough if This Fight Was Turn-Based

BY Dan Kozuh

EAGLETON, Ohio — Oft-picked-on seventh-grader Zach Leland was heard to say that he could totally take infamous school bully, Trevor Meyer if their confrontations followed a classic turn-based RPG format instead of the current, real-time beatdown system in place on the school playground, skeptical friends report.

“I’m just saying, if we were taking turns and I had time to, you know, consider what command options I wanted to use, I’d wipe the floor with him,” said Zach, who has logged over 300 hours in Persona 5 and claims to have beaten Final Fantasy X without using Phoenix Downs. “Like, imagine I could just scroll down to ‘Counterattack’ or equip my foam sword that I made for Comic-Con. But in real life he just throws me to the ground and starts whiling on me before I even get to equip my hoodie.”

According to eyewitnesses, Trevor likes a more Simultaneous Action system.

“Some might say I am just mashing, but I use strategy. Like when his backpack was still half-zipped, I initiated a surprise strike that was a shoulder shove, hat knock, into a wedgie combo,” Trevor bragged while sitting on Zach’s chest. “I definitely invested all my skill points into Strength and dexterity. My build is all about fast and raw damage output. He’s got, like, one defensive move and that is crying to the teachers. It’s effective in the moment but it’s no way to win.”

Military and RPG Historian Alicia Chen explained that

“These fights tend to last under ten seconds, far too fast for Zach to summon his inner rage-spirit or even activate Block, especially considering his anxiety and low initiative,” Chen explained. “In a turn-based setup, Zach probably would have a bit of an upper hand. He could start with a taunt to lower Trevor’s defense, have time to heal, and if all else fails, pull off a desperation summon: his mom. Some bullies actually do allow a form of turn-based action called ‘I’ll give you one free swing,’ but that is more of a distraction technique.”

At press time, Leland had attempted to pitch the turn-based idea to Meyer, who apparently declined the offer with a surprise punch to the gut.