Hard Digest June 18: Early Access Prisons, Point Break, Kristin Noem, and More

Private University Brochure Touts Diversity of Nearby Prison

By Matt Husser

ITHACA, N.Y. — Elite private institution Bournestown University released a new campus brochure today touting the diversity of the college’s nearby prison, sources confirmed.

“Here at Bournestown University, we’re proud to foster a diverse local community comprising many different ethnicities, socioeconomic backgrounds, and religions that our elite student body can safely observe at a healthy distance from Rockmore Federal Penitentiary,” said University Dean Herbert Kensington, showing off the campus brochure. “In fact, graduates from our school of criminal justice have gone on to send many of these prisoners to Rockmore, including a twenty-year bid our custodian Jorge’s nephew is serving—and it’s that familial, small town vibe that truly makes our beautiful campus such a special place to earn an education.”

Bournestown alumni Philip Newberry hoped the new brochure might help entice his son to attend his alma mater.

“Look at all these colorful ethnic characters on the brochure, Bradley! You know some of my fondest memories during college were meeting interesting exchange students from all over the world, and then hazing them mercilessly,” said Newberry, examining the brochure. “Maybe you shouldn’t haze the guys on the pamphlet though, all these students look jacked—they must have used all my donation money to build a new weight room. Oh and look, they added a culinary program! Wait, is that pizza made out of ramen and Slim Jims?”

Rockmore inmate Jack “Slim” Carson recalled the bizarre academic photoshoots that happen each year.

“Hey man, anything that gets me out of my cell for a couple hours is fine by me, but it is weird that they make us wear these college sweaters before taking pictures of us pretending to study and playing badminton and shit,” said Slim, sitting in a chair while a makeup artist covers his face tattoos. “They could at least let us keep the books, but they’re trying to charge $300 for a used ‘Intro to Economics’ textbook. Ah fuck, here comes some more students from the Anthropology program trying to observe us in our ‘natural habitat’ for their dissertation.”

Dean Kensington later announced a new student-prisoner exchange program for anyone staging pro-Palestine protests on Bournestown campus grounds.

5 Other Scenes in Point Break That Would Be Better With a Beat-Down of Anthony Kiedis

By Henrik Persson

Perhaps overshadowed by Terminator 2 at the time, Point Break is nevertheless regarded as a 1990s action classic, and the first big hit by Oscar-winning director Katheryn Bigelow. But for all its strengths, Point Break is sorely lacking in one of the most important departments of any high-octane surfer dude action movie: scenes featuring Red Hot Chili Peppers’ frontman Anthony Kiedis getting beat up.

Sure, it had some, arguably more than most movies of the era, and that’s what makes Point Break stand the test of time. Unfortunately, Bigelow’s less-is-more approach to Keidis’s violence buried its importance, and by the time other filmmakers realized that seeing the RHCP frontman beaten to a pulp was the secret sauce that made this film endure, the insufferable actor had aged out of shit-kicked-out-of roles.

These are our top scenes that, while exciting, were ultimately missed opportunities at normalizing Keidis-violence in film:

1. Surfer Nazi fist fight
Yes, Point Break does feature one scene where Anthony Kiedis gets the shit kicked out of him. And yes, this is the single best thing about the film. As the nazi surfer gang square up on agent Johnny Utah, Bodhi steps in to turn the tide. All the nazis then have their butts kicked, including the one played by Kiedis. While it’s always rewarding to see the world’s most annoying vocalist being brutally manhandled, we can’t help but feel it would have been even better with a few more minutes of Kiedis kicking.

2. Nazi HQ raid
Later in the film, as Johnny Utah starts to think the nazi surfers are the infamous ex-presidents bank robbers, he sets up a raid of their headquarters. Several of the nazi surfers are either killed or wounded in this great scene, and Anthony Kiedis’ character hilariously takes a gunshot to the foot. But why isn’t Kiedis shot in the other foot too? Or at least dragged outside and pummeled by the backup crew? Frankly, when you set up a potentially lethal lawn mower and don’t wind up shoving Anthony Kiedis into it head-first, you’ve made a dramaturgical error.

3. Night surf / love on the beach
In this scene, the undercover Utah makes love to Tyler on the beach, and they fall asleep in each other’s arms. Right here, as Johnny and Tyler kiss by the fire, things would have gone from great to god-tier if Bodhi and the rest of the gang had featured in the background, as black silhouettes, kicking the shit out of Anthony Kiedis, playfully imitating his vocals from “Blood Sugar Sex Magic” all the while.

4. Recounting Bodhi’s day
As Johnny Utah (spoiler alert) starts to suspect Bodhi of the robberies, he follows him around for a day. At some point here, it would have been nice to see at least a brief beatdown of Anthony Kiedis. Frankly, it would have added a compelling intrigue if Utah were to witness Bodhi beating Kiedis during his daily rounds and say to himself, “Maybe I was wrong, maybe Bodhi isn’t the bad guy, maybe he’s just a really solid dude.”

5. One last wave
As the film draws to a close, Johnny Utah finds Bodhi in stormy Australia. A fight ensues, and Utah eventually manages to handcuff himself to Bodhi. As local police arrive, Bodhi realizes the game’s up and asks Utah for one last favor: to let him go out into the stormy waters and (presumably) die on his own terms. Utah obliges, and Bodhi disappears into the sea. Here, as the film ends, is a missed opportunity. Instead of rolling the credits against a black background as usual, why not roll them over B-roll Johnny Utah rag dolling Anthony Kiedis? Or maybe a series of outtakes and bloopers from the film, all featuring Anthony Kiedis being slapped around, kicked, and beaten by the rest of the cast?

We can only speculate as to what impact increased Kiedis violence in Point Break would have had on ‘90s cinema, but one thing is for sure — it would NOT have been a waste of time.

Kristi Noem Shoots DHS Watchdog in the Face

By Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem revealed that she shot a department watchdog in the face simply because she didn’t like them, Congressional aides have confirmed.

“I hated that Office for Civil Rights and Civil Liberties watchdog. I tried getting him to hunt down Hispanic people to ship off to El Salvador, but all he ever did was bitch at me about violating due process, so I took him with me to the Mexican border and I shot him. Sometimes workforce reduction is messy and ugly, get over it,” said Noem. “I hoped making him work alongside MAGA coworkers would help him calm down over me ignoring SCOTUS court orders but he clearly was untrainable, so I had to put two slugs in his head. Growing up, this is just how we took care of independent investigators who wouldn’t fall in line with the President’s agenda.”

Morale among the other OCRLC investigators was at an all time low after their coworker’s fate.

“I can’t believe she shot Hopper! All he did was recommend not using taxpayer money to buy ICE outfits for performative photo shoots, and the next day he’s face down in a gravel pit at the border. Sure, he had a big personality but when you’re in the business of ensuring human rights aren’t being violated you need to call out your superiors for not doing their jobs correctly,” said Jack Hendrickson. “She walks around our building with a hunting rifle over her shoulder, and if we complain about rounding up green card holders or forget to compliment her latest plastic surgery, she’ll ‘habeas corpus us into early retirement’ as she puts it.”

Delegates at the United Nations held an emergency meeting to discuss protecting vulnerable watchdogs.

“We have seen the crackdowns against watchdogs in declining republics across the world, and we encourage these governments to either comply with oversight agencies or relinquish their investigators to our ‘no kill’ facility where they can receive the care they need,” said French UN ambassador Jean Liville. “We know it’s hard for autocracies to coexist with people who only want to prevent their countries from sliding into fascist hellscapes, so we ask those leaders to let us rehome their watchdogs to countries that still value integrity and practice democracy.”

As of press time, Secretary Noem told the panel she wouldn’t shoot watchdogs going forward, opting to humanely euthanize them via gas chamber instead.

Opinion: These Methods May Seem Extreme, but in the Long Run They Will Bring Order to California (By Caesar)

BY R. Anthony Mahan

So you’re the courier who dares to speak out against the Legion.

My trusted frumentarius, Vulpes Inculta, has told me of your outrage as you witnessed the burning ruins of what was once Nipton. My legionaries brought order to a lawless city of California, and yet rather than sing praises of our triumph you shed tears for the criminals we stopped? A lesser leader would have you dragged out and detained for daring to question us, but I am no barbarian.

It pains me to admit it, but nobody ever fully shrugs off the teachings of the Followers of the Apocalypse. Deep down, Caesar really is a sweetheart, but if you tell anybody I’ll crucify you. So just for you, I will grant the boon of wisdom. Allow me to explain why the New California Republic must be destroyed.

The Legion and the NCR were both born out of the lands of savage tribals. As mighty Rome did to the Sabines so long ago, we brought our neighbors to our heel. The tribes could assimilate or die. Either way, we erased all traces of their primitive language and culture, and the Legion was stronger for it.

But even before its decay, the NCR was soft. They welcomed themselves to migrants. President Tandi herself once made negotiations with the same tribal terrorist who destroyed the great Enclave all so she could welcome a vault full of vagrant squatters. Now, though, the NCR languishes under Aaron Kimball, a leader so incompetent my men call him Somnolentus Aaron. Kimball has allowed his country to be flooded with dangerous criminals, destroying their economy.

Compare that to how I have transformed Arizona. Crime is all but nonexistent. Traders can do business in peace. Traditional values are upheld. Women know their place. Degeneracy is punished. We do not coddle the weak and infirm (except, for reasons I don’t have to explain, people with brain tumors). We trust the natural remedies of healing powder instead of injecting ourselves with dangerous stimpaks, and the scientists of the Brotherhood of Steel are nowhere to be found. Ask anyone who isn’t crucified or enslaved, and they will tell you life under the Legion’s rule is a veritable Elysium.

The NCR has suffered from burdensome leadership long enough. The people of California must be liberated from foreign invaders, and that is why I will invade them. The profligates will complain, of course. Lanius told me they have “Caesar derangement.” But history will thank me. Our mass crucifixions are a small price to pay if it prevents chaos and violence.

Now fuck off. Go kill Mr. House or something. I need to plan the military parade following our triumph at Hoover Dam.

Wizards of the Coast Preparing to Announce New Controversy

BY Johnny Amizich

RENTON, Wash. — Principal Magic: The Gathering designer, Gavin Verhey has revealed that Wizards of the Coast is set to announce a brand new controversy.

Verhey spoke about the upcoming controversy in one of the regular videos he makes for the popular TCG’s YouTube channel.

“Obviously keeping our fanbase engaged is a big challenge, and we find that there is no better way to get people talking about Magic than by doing something they will absolutely hate,” Verhey said. “I wish I could reveal more at this time, but I promise what we have in the works will make them nostalgic for the venture into the dungeon mechanic. I look forward to the many death threats and wishes of bodily harm I know our most passionate fans will be sending my way.”

Popular Magic YouTuber and host of Tolarian Community College, Brian Lewis AKA “The Professor” uploaded a reaction video entitled, “Quitting Magic And Becoming A Yu-Gi-Oh Channel”.

“Many Magic: The Gathering players ask, ‘When should I stop taking shit from Wizards of the Coast?’, and I am here to tell you that today is the day.” The Professor said, “If you thought Daybound and Nightbound was bad, well, this latest controversy has forced my hand–no pun intended–and from this day forward the Tolarian Community College is no more. From this moment on this channel will only make Yu-Gi-Oh content and will be rebranded as ‘Domino City Community College’. I will also be retiring my famous phrase, ‘Reading the card explains the card.’, because have you ever tried reading a Yu-Gi-Oh card? That shit is indecipherable.”

Wizards of the Coast PR released a brief and uncredited statement defending the announcement of the new controversy.

“We know you piggies will swarm like the swine you are around the trough once we put this shit up for sale. We could put a little turd in each booster pack and as long as we said 1 in 4 turds had bits of foil in it they’d sell out immediately because no piggie can resist a bucket of sweet sweet slop.”

At press time, Wizards of the Coast had announced a limited run of Rainbow Foil Turds on Secret Lair that briefly crashed the website due to customer demand.