Hard Digest June 17: Trump Mobile, Early Access Pits, Mercyful Fate, Supreme Court, and More

Every Trump Phone To Come Preloaded With Epstein Contact List

By Tim Sheard

NEW YORK — President Donald Trump’s sons Eric and Don Jr. announced a new Trump Mobile cellular phone service that will feature a new phone called the T1, which will be priced at $499 and come preloaded with the full Epstein contact list, excited sources confirm.

“This phone will have it all. The ability to not only send, but also receive text messages. All on the only 5G network that won’t activate the microchip the Biden administration implanted in you with the COVID-19 vaccine,” said Eric Trump. “But we wanted this phone to be special. Something that makes it stand out above all the other cell phones on the market. So we are going to ship every phone with a contact list populated by everyone named in the Epstein files. You have direct access to the inner circle, you can text my dad to tell him how great a job he’s doing. Or you could text the Clintons and harass them for eating children. You have the power.”

Gary Delucca, a Trump supporter from Florida, was one of the first people to preorder the new phone.

“As a proud graduate of Trump University I know the Trump name carries a lot of weight. When potential employers find out I have a degree in business from Trump U they can’t help but laugh because they know they have a true genius applying to work for them,” said Delucca. “I basically lived off of Trump Steaks until my doctor told me all my organs were failing and I needed to stop eating the meat Trump shipped me. I didn’t listen, ended up in a coma, and when I woke up they were out of business. I honestly wish someone had pulled the plug on me, because I didn’t want to live in a world without Trump Steaks, but this phone makes me optimistic again. And I’ll finally be able to text Bruce Willis and tell him ‘Die Hard’ was actually based on my life.”

President Trump believes this will be the best mobile phone ever made.

“Verizon, AT&T, T-Mobile, they are all cell phone service providers for Anitfa and the radical left lunatics that want to abort every beautiful American baby, and those babies are beautiful folks. And this phone will be made here in America, the best country in the world,” said Trump. “It’s going to create so many jobs it will make your head spin. People are already coming up to me and saying ‘I quit my job as the CEO of business because I wanted to do my part and make these phones in the USA.’ A lot of these people don’t even want to be paid, and we won’t pay them, so we can pass those savings on to every person who can prove they voted for me.”

Eric and Donald Trump Jr. also announced that the T1 phone will ship with Tiffany Trump’s number pre-blocked.

Emotionally Withdrawn Pit Refuses to Open Up

By Samuel Abraham

ST. LOUIS — An emotionally withdrawn mosh pit refused to open up despite the raw power of Swedish death metal band Amon Amarth’s performance at the Hollywood Casino Amphitheatre beckoning all to embrace feral ecstasy with reckless abandon, confirmed sources.

“It’s just like, I feel like I don’t have the emotional capacity to begin a two-step right now,” a nervous concertgoer offered. “I keep feeling all this pressure to lock in and open up this fucking thing up, but I’m afraid I’d rather spend time alone at this show and avoid spin-kicking. I wasn’t raised to open up pits like this. My dad always taught me to bottle up these feelings and urges to start up a wall of death on the fly. I feel lost and confused and scared. It’s affecting my relationships both with my partner and pits in general.”

Johan Hegg, lead singer of Amon Amarth, was quick to offer support.

“You know, in spite of the fact that all of our songs are about splitting skulls, destroying the enemies of Asgard, and unbelievable violence, we in Amon Amarth both have been and remain dedicated to fostering a safe, nurturing, and loving environment to have our attendee’s limbs and torsos bash into each other like wrenches in a blender,” Hegg tearfully concluded. “If our music is failing to communicate this effectively somehow, then we’re steadfastly committed to creating a space where any and all in the pit will feel free to open this fucking thing up.”

Sociologist Ulla Thorsdottir had some thoughts about the paradoxical nature of this withdrawn pit.

“Many people in their youth do not receive the kind of nurturing that allows one the intrinsic response to feel like the expression of their authentic nature will be well-received in a mosh pit,” said Thorsdottir. “Indeed, many feel like such emotions can and will be punished. It is up to not only the individual, but the entirety of the community, and the pit, to make sure that we help each other break these cycles so we can realize our most truthful selves, especially when it comes to tasty, sweaty mosh pits.”

As of this report, Amon Amarth was seen leading the pit through a series of mindfulness exercises, knowing full well that while still withdrawn, perfection is the enemy of good.

Five Mercyful Fate Songs You Need To Listen to Now That You’ve Accidentally Touched the Crucifix on the Wall of Your Grandmother’s Living Room

By Steve Packosky

Ew, gross! You just got off your grandmother’s couch while you were visiting her and you accidentally brushed against the crucifix on her wall! You even touched the actual Jesus part of it. Ugh! Oh God, does Christianity spread through touch, like the flu? You’d better play it safe and listen to these five Mercyful Fate songs to reverse whatever damage has just been done. And we’re going to err on the side of caution here by sticking to their self-titled EP and first two albums. They put out some killer stuff post-reunion, but you need to listen to their most evil songs so you can get back on Satan’s good side. Here we go:

1. The Oath
This one is absolutely essential. With lyrics solely dedicated to praising the Dark One and denying that dude on the cross you just accidentally touched (we still can’t believe you did that), this one is sure to wash away the residual stink of goodness and purity it left on you. Make sure you headbang and play air guitar to it, because God hates that!

2. Into the Coven
This one made the PMRC’s “Filthy Fifteen,” so it’s got to be a good choice in abjuring the god that those dipshits worshiped. It also opens with a catchy little medieval acoustic ditty that probably fooled a lot of Boomers when their kids would listen to it in the eighties, which we totally appreciate. Hail Satan!

3. Devil Eyes
Hell yes, a song about taking an angel through the gates of hell. What more could Lucifer ask for? Well, he probably expected you to steer clear of that fucking cross while your grandmother rambled on about the drama in her retirement community, but nobody’s perfect. Turn up the volume so he knows how sorry you are.

4. Black Funeral
No! Get those righteous, wholesome thoughts out of your head! We were hoping the Christianity wouldn’t take, but you need Mercyful Fate now more than ever! Sing along to these blasphemous lyrics! Sing towards the heavens to let them know you reject their Lord and Savior!

5. Come to the Sabbath
OK, it seems like you’re in the clear. Better give this song a listen, though, just to be sure. It’s about a Black Mass being held in a graveyard, so it should ensure you’re back on the left-hand path. That was a close one! Are you all better now?

Supreme Court to Add “No Worries If Not!” at End of All Rulings Trump Might Disagree With

By Lauren Grimaldi

WASHINGTON — The United States Supreme Court reportedly began adding “no worries if not” at the end of all rulings President Donald Trump could potentially disagree with, confirmed sources who occasionally even added “we love you, big guy!” as well.

“I remember the days when Donald respected me as a human,” said Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. “Those few weeks during my confirmation hearing in 2018 were some of the best of my life. I’ll do anything to be his special boy again, even if it means allowing him to ignore our decisions, circumvent the Constitution, and break the rule of law. After all, whoever said keeping an eye on all of that was my job, anyway? I’m not here to ruffle any presidential feathers. Jurisprudence is kind of boring anyway.”

Attorney General Pam Bondi didn’t believe that strategy would be effective.

“We’re not concerned with whatever the Supreme Court wants to say,” said Bondi. “They’re glorified blog writers at best, just trying to be woke on the DEI internet, and the president is not beholden to them or anyone else. Unless, of course, they want to ban same sex marriage. Then we’re all ears, and I’ll instruct the president to shout out J-Rob, Bretty Boy, and that girl Amy on Truth Social for their incredible leadership.”

Ginni Thomas is reportedly less concerned with the ongoing constitutional crisis and more so looking for ways in which she and her husband, Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, could get something out of it.

“I think we could get a free plane ride or two when they aren’t using aircrafts to deport migrants,” said Thomas. “Seems kind of like a good deal. Clarence better put in a nice note about Trump’s hair or say he’s a good golfer next time he writes an opinion. And while he’s at it, Clarence should ask the president how he got that deal with Qatar. I wouldn’t mind having a fake jet in our backyard if we could swing it. Hopefully, that ‘no worries if not’ tactic will soften the president’s image of the court so we can get free shit.”

At press time, Trump announced plans to rebrand the Supreme Court as Trump Court, to which Chief Justice John Roberts didn’t seem to have an issue with, if it meant they’d be in the president’s good graces.

Trump Administration Condemns Mario Kart World’s Open Border Policy

BY Kyle Duggan

WASHINGTON — White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt spoke out against the open world design of Mario Kart World for the Nintendo Switch 2, the newest game in the long-running series.

“Frankly, if you don’t have strong borders, you don’t have a kingdom,” said Leavitt. “This game erases the cultural distinctions between Peach Stadium and Moo Moo Meadows. If you can just drive between one track and the next, then how can you say they’re even different tracks? These beautiful, unique courses just blend together to become one bland, unspectacular overworld. And, if we’re being honest, everyone here knows that a society like Boo Cinema could never build DK Spaceport. President Trump demands that Nintendo immediately eliminate the open world elements of the newest Mario Kart title.”

Some Trump supporters were surprised by the administration’s strong stance.

“This isn’t what I voted for,” said Robert O’Brien, 43, a Long Island native. “Sure, I don’t like it when you spend two whole laps driving to the next course on a wide, straight highway, then barely get to drive on the actual track. But that’s a Grand Prix problem. The various connected paths are perfect for Knockout Tour, and the open world itself is fun when you want to chill out and explore. I can’t believe how extreme Trump has been on this issue. If he keeps it up for another year or two, I might even consider insincerely threatening not to support him any more.”

Prominent Democrats attempted to use the issue to court moderate voters.

“Now, of course, I’m not in favor of open world games,” said Sen. Ruben Gallego, D-Ariz. “I think a strong, linear path is the best way to construct an interactive narrative. We should respect the traditional gaming values that built this country. But that doesn’t mean I think it’s okay to tell a company that’s been around for over a century how to conduct itself. There’s plenty of compromises we could make. We obviously can’t allow full freedom of movement, but there are other options. Nintendo is no stranger to Warp Zones or sequence breaking. I don’t think any reasonable person could be opposed to those kinds of measures.”

At press time, President Trump had deployed a detachment of 800 Koopa Troopas to, “liberate,” Crown City.