Hard Digest May 25: Early Access Memorial Day, and More
Added 2025-05-26 00:00:09 +0000 UTCPete Hegseth Wishes Happy Memorial Day to Covert Marine Operatives Stationed at 15.5527° N, 48.5164° E
By Matt Husser
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth delivered a special Memorial Day message to a covert unit of Marine operatives stationed at classified coordinates in Yemen, sources confirmed.
“Morale has been a little low around here lately, so I thought I’d give a special shout out to some of our brave soldiers fighting behind enemy lines, like our Marines currently positioned at 15.5527° N, 48.5164° E,” said Hegseth, cans rattling underfoot as he swayed at the podium. “So if you happen to run into them, make sure to thank them for their service—oh, I almost forgot, the parole word is ‘Grisham’ so they know you’re friendly. Say you know what’d be fun? Sharing some fun facts about these fine warfighters, so here’s a list of their mothers’ maiden names, the street they grew up on, and the names of their childhood pets.”
Special Operations Officer Rick Grant has reportedly been trying to reestablish contact with the Marines for the past several hours.
“We lost contact with the Marine Raider unit shortly after Secretary Hegseth’s statement, but I’m sure they’re fine—once I figure out which ‘Fox and Friends’ host is next in the chain of command I’ll fly it up the flagpole and get this all sorted out,” said Grant. “There’s always change to operations with a new Secretary of Defense, and sometimes that means you lose a couple Marines, or you have to dump an F/A-18 Super Hornet off the USS Harry S. Truman to make room for folding tables for the beer pong tournament.”
President Trump was reportedly displeased that he hadn’t heard from the unit on Memorial Day.
“Have you heard about these Marine Army guys in Yemen, folks? Just up and disappeared without having the decency to call their Commander in Chief and wish him a Happy Memorial Day, can you believe that? Very rude and poor behavior that was tolerated by spineless Joe Biden, but no more!” ranted Trump during the Memorial Day service at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. “Even Abdul-Malik al-Houthi called me today, we had a very nice chat. I said Hootie—that’s what I call him, you know he’s a very handsome man—I said Hootie you can keep those ingrates and lock them up for all I care, then maybe then they’ll learn to respect their President.”
President Trump reportedly concluded his speech at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier by producing a golden shovel and asking if anyone wanted to see a dead body.
Help! I Read the Comments Section, and Now I’m Researching Charlemagne’s Military Tactics on Wikipedia So I Can Win an Argument With a Complete Stranger About Red 40
By They say that “no good deed goes unpunished,” but I have another platitude to add to the mix: “no read comment goes unargued.”
It all started when I embarked on my usual three-hour pre-bed doom-scrolling ritual, flipping between TikTok, Reels, and YouTube shorts in a near-catatonic state. Little did I know I’d find myself dick deep in 10 open browser tabs while giving myself a crash course on Charlemagne, the ruler of the Carolingian Empire, and the military tactics that earned him his title as the forerunner to the line of Holy Roman Emperors because I got into a blistering debate with some dude about whether Red 40 is a big deal after watching one of my many chug channels try to take down a three liter of Code Red.
While I still maintain that Red 40 is generally harmless to the average consumer in moderate doses, it turns out that having this point of view is the catalyst for a geopolitical lecture from a private account with an anime avatar. Pointing out that I personally avoid the allegedly problematic dye because it’s one of many migraine triggers for me (so is organic cantaloupe, go figure), I suggested that I only represent a small microcosm of the population who should avoid any product that has it listed in its ingredients statement.
Just like Charlemagne and his conflict with the Eastern Roman Empire, I was ready to go to war until I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore.
Three hours later, I found myself diagramming battle tours on a napkin and uploading them to IMGUR to prove to a user named “JUNGLEOFBUTTS” that he doesn’t understand how supply chains work for some reason.
I don’t know how it got to this point, but just like reforming the fallen Western Roman Empire, I knew I had to put the work in to be the victor of this hearty yet totally unnecessary debate.
All I said was that if Red 40 is FDA approved, it can’t be that bad for you. In fact, there are several food dyes banned in the US that are still used in the EU, to which he suggested that it would never have passed Charlemagne’s food purity laws to ensure a strong and virile army at the tail end of the eighth century.
But JUNGLEOFBUTTS couldn’t have been more mistaken because Charlemagne was more concerned with defending the papacy, removing the Lombards from power in Northern Italy, introducing Christianity to the Saxons, and establishing the Carolingian Renaissance than anything else.
The guy didn’t even care about transparency in food labeling as far as I could surmise, and why would he?
Tired and deflated, I did what any sane person would do at this point, and accused JUNGLEOFBUTTS of coping hard before blocking him and going to bed.
Cousin Wearing MAGA Hat and Fake ICE Jacket Doesn’t Want to Talk About Politics At Memorial Day BBQ
By WINDSOR, Conn — Local terrible cousin Terry Reynolds made everyone uncomfortable at his family’s annual Memorial Day BBQ by loudly declaring that “Woke is dead!” And there were to be no political discussions at the event, all while proudly wearing a MAGA hat and replica ICE agent jacket, sources trying to avoid talking with the man confirmed.
“Literally nobody ever brings up politics except Terry,” said cool uncle Mike Reynolds, who has been in charge of burgers and dogs at the BBQ since 1993. “My niece Sharon and I were having a nice conversation about the little store that she runs, and then Terry just walked up, yelled ‘Illegals get the fuck out! America is so back!’ and posted up for a high five. Then he asked what YouTube videos we watch to get our news, I intentionally burned my hand with my spatula just to get away from him. But a few minutes later he overheard Sharon mention that her shop was being hit hard with the tariffs, and Terry just lost it.
Everyone’s least favorite family member treated the entire event like a victory lap.
“We won, and the snowflakes I share my DNA with can’t stop crying. It’s alright though, these burgers could use some more seasoning and I can use their liberal tears,” laughed the cousin who is currently driving on a suspended driver’s license for multiple DUIs. “Support the troops support our president, and fucking stand for that flag song. I don’t want to hear anyone going on about that woke nonsense. That’s politics. Telling me Beyonce is country now. Telling me I can’t sing all the Wu-Tang lyrics because ‘that’s not my word.’ And all the gay stuff. And for the record, I’m not using ‘gay’ in a derogatory sense. I mean literally talking about anything gay is politics.”
Maggie Filson, a family therapist and professor of psychology at UConn, explained why terrible family members are still typically invited to events.
“People are bored, and existence is pretty awful right now. Although it might seem like a bad idea to invite your family member who stormed the Capitol on January 6th, but something kind of magical happens when a Terry, or in my case, Aunt Ruth, shows up to an event,” said Filson. “Yes, they almost always ruin the vibe, but they also give the other attendees something that is deeply needed, especially amidst the ennui of the Anthropocene: a common enemy. Everyone hates the Terrys of the world, and nothing brings people together more than hate. It’s actually quite beautiful.”
At press time, members of the Reynolds family were able to briefly get rid of cousin Terry by setting him loose in the woods to find the Antifa base camp that was rumored to be out there.
