Hard Digest April 8: Early Access Les Claypool, Dog Breeding, ICE, and More

Les Claypool Finally Good Enough to Switch to Guitar

By David Britton 

EL SOBRANTE, Calif. — Founding Primus member Les Claypool finally reached a level of competence that will allow him to stop playing bass and switch to guitar, confirmed sources who thought he was finally ready to make the leap.

“It’s a dream come true! I’ve been practicing bass since the Ford administration and it has all led to this highlight of my career,” said Claypool, who has been hoping to play guitar for decades now. “When I was a kid my father wouldn’t let me touch power tools, the car keys, or a guitar. He gave me a pile of wooden blocks and Fender Jazz Bass to play around with ‘until I was old enough.’ Well, guess what, Dad? I’m 61 now and I can play guitar and stay up as late as I want! I can’t wait to rub this in Flea’s face.”

Claypool’s bandmates were equally excited about their friend’s new instrument.

“Les has wanted this as long as I can remember,” said now-fellow guitarist Larry LaLonde. “He would even add extra strings to his bass so he could pretend it was a guitar. It was kind of cute in a pathetic sort of way. I’m just so happy that all his hard work has paid off. I mean he still can’t play F major, but one step at a time ya know? Also, we’ve decided not to go with a bassist from here on out. It just overcomplicates things.”

Dr. Jim Wegrzyn, a professor of musicology at Oxford, said that the switch from bass to guitar is a rare occurrence in the musical world, and often the would-be musician gives up, or even downgrades to drums, long before he gets close to learning guitar.

“Most bass players are just boyfriends of other band members,” explained Wegrzyn. “They hang around at band practice and are given something to do to keep them out of the way. When it comes time to record an album, they are allowed to play but then the producer secretly drops them all the way out of the mix in a move that’s ironically called ‘Justice for All.’ Now that I think about it, Kirk Hammett started off as the bass player for Exodus, so there’s hope for all bassists out there.”

At press time, Claypool was excitedly trying to teach guitar to his friend Victor Wooten in the hopes he too would someday be able to play a real instrument.

Opinion: They Should Invent a Dog Breed That Doesn’t Look At You While You Jerk Off

By Dom Turek 

Man domesticated dogs nearly 15,000 years ago, and astonishingly, there are now 400 distinct dog breeds. Even more astonishing is that no one thought to engineer a dog that doesn’t stare directly at you while you’re spanking the monkey.

Although long-touted as “man’s best friend,” it might be more apt to call them what they really are, which is “man’s best voyeur.” I’ve had a lot of best friends over the years, and almost none of them have stood still as a statue at the foot of my bed and watched me touch myself to completion. Take it from me, most people won’t consider doing something like that even if you beg, offer to pay, and promise not to tell anyone about it.

A dog’s nature and nurture both play a crucial role in his ability to perform specialized tasks. Basset hounds’ short legs allow them to locate ground prey easily, while Saint Bernards’ thick coats and strength make them ideal companions for rescue missions in low-temperature climates, so you can only imagine my surprise when I adopted a Bull Mastiff for its purported guard dog abilities and have since been forced to jerk off in my closet just to avoid his impenetrable gaze at my manhood.

Selective dog breeding has many benefits, but it is also controversial. Overpopulation, genetic defects, and man’s desire to induce speciation for selfish reasons are just a few reasons why dog breeding is considered a cruel practice but hear me out. If Queen Victoria was allowed to mate dogs endlessly until she got the four-pound emotional support dog of her dreams, why can’t we make a dog that won’t kink-shame me on my day off from work?

I’m no geneticist, but if we can design a dog that can track down cadavers or drugs using its three hundred smell receptors, we can surely make a dog that shows the same level of sexual indifference towards me as a cat or any one of my ex-girlfriends.

ICE Agent’s Heart Grows Three Sizes After Little Girl in House He’s Unconstitutionally Raiding Mistakes Him for Santa Claus

By Steve Packosky 

NEWARK, N.J. — Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) Agent Gary Morton decided to change his morally reprehensible ways and lead an upstanding life after a resident of a house he was illegally raiding mistook him for Santa Claus, uplifted sources report.

“It was a pretty typical evening up until then,” Morton said. “I had broken down the front door and entered the house screaming with my gun raised and finger on the trigger, even though nobody there had any sort of violent history. I ran upstairs and burst into one of the bedrooms to find a little girl sitting up in bed and rubbing her eyes. When she looked at me and said ‘Santa?’ my heart just swelled. I suddenly realized how unspeakably cruel my profession is. I immediately told everyone downstairs to take her parents and siblings out of their handcuffs, then canceled the transport down to New Orleans where we were planning to detain them unnecessarily for an inordinate amount of time. I’m going to quit this job and become a nurse or mall Santa or something.”

Morton’s boss Russel Warren was not happy to hear about his revelation.

“This is just great,” Warren complained. “We’re up to our necks in unconstitutional raid and detainment assignments now that Trump is back in office, and my best agent suddenly decides to turn his life around. Now I need to add finding a new candidate to replace him onto my already full plate. Gary was the most talented officer I’ve ever seen when it comes to arresting people exclusively because of their skin color, and now the skills I’ve helped him hone are going to be completely wasted on a job where he betters society by helping people.”

ACLU lawyer Stacey Devons reacted to the news.

“It’s definitely heartening to hear something like this right now,” Devons offered. “My department’s caseload of corrupt ICE practices has never been higher, so Agent Morton’s conversion means less work for me. ICE agents are basically the worst human beings you can imagine, so it makes sense that a whimsical encounter with a child is the only thing that can change them. I just wish there was a way for us to induce this type of occurrence everywhere so these monsters stop terrorizing innocent people who are just trying to live their lives.”

At press time, Warren had also sworn to turn his life around after having been visited by three ghosts in the night.

Nintendo Lures Millennials Into Store by Dangling GameCube Discs From Fishing Rod

BY Peter Ferrarese 

NEW YORK — In an effort to draw larger amounts of millennials into their flagship NYC store, Nintendo of America has begun dangling classic GameCube game discs from a long fishing rod and watching as the instant hit of nostalgia lures people inside, per multiple reports. 

“Yeah, I’ve fallen victim to it more than once, I’m ashamed to admit,” millennial Todd Waters stated to reporters. “I just saw the original GameCube disc of The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker suspended there in midair, taunting me to just reach out and grab it, and before you know it I was inside the store. They really got me, haha! Leave it to Nintendo to get creative with their marketing practices, you know? Anyway, once I was inside, I figured I might as well pick up a copy of Super Mario Bros. Wonder. I’d been meaning to try it out, anyway.” 

Onlookers have been completely baffled by the public display, in awe of the tactic’s high rate of success, according to sources familiar with the matter. 

“This is really embarrassing for them,” said Hannah Hammond, a local Gen Z-er. “Oh, what, they have a disc of Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door or Luigi’s Mansion presented to them and they just can’t help themselves? Honestly, that’s pretty pathetic. Ope, hold on one sec, there’s news about Mario Kart World. I have to go.” 

Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser released a statement regarding the issue. 

“Here at Nintendo, we’re always trying to bring in new generations of fans with quality games, while not losing sight of the folks that got us to where we are today,” wrote Bowser, in a post shared on the company’s Nintendo Today! app. “That’s why dangling these GameCube games from a fishing pole is one of our key tentpoles for this year. We want to make sure millennials know we’re still thinking about them, not only through offering classic Nintendo titles like Super Mario Sunshine on the Switch and Switch 2 for $79.99 a pop, but also by actively encouraging their business in real life. And as you can see, it looks like business is booming.”

At press time, an ambulance was called after a millennial hit their head on a street pole while following a moving GameCube disc of Pokémon Colosseum towards the Nintendo store.

Report: There’s a US Kill Screen Coming Up, If Anyone Wants to Watch

BY Nick Coffman 

WASHINGTON — Wandering awkardly around the country, kill screen enthusiast Brian Kuh stopped at several landmarks and shouted at the top of his lungs about an upcoming United States kill screen that was quickly approaching.

“U.S. kill screen coming up at the White House, if anyone wants to watch,” the former Donkey Kong prodigy shouted at a group of lost tourists who were just looking for directions to the Lincoln Memorial. “I mean it’s not as hard as running a decathlon or triathlon, but it’s still very very hard.”

Kuh continued on, imparting the historical significance of this kill screen to any passersby.

“Trump’s hammering the markets and avoiding Democrats barreling down on him, but this run could come to an end if he’s not careful of those pesky judges,” Kuh said, pointing aggressively in the direction of the White House. “Many players have tried and failed at what Trump is doing here today, players like Buchanan, Reagan, and Trump the first time.”

James Glint, a stockbroker, further explained the upcoming kill screen as he stood on a nearby rooftop staring into the middle distance.

“The thing about the U.S. kill screen is that everything keeps going for a little while longer after you’ve reached it,” Glint said as he handed us a note for his spouse and his shoes. “We hit the kill screen a few days ago, so it’s only a matter of time.”

At press time, Kuh stared at the White House, envious of Trump’s achievement.