Hard Digest April 2: Val Kilmer, Early Access Tattoos, Chicken, PornHub, and More

Val Kilmer, Star of “Real Genius” and My Confusing Sex Dream, Dead at 65

By Dan Rice

Today, the entertainment world mourns the loss of one of its most polarizing but respected figures. Val Kilmer, star of such films as “Tombstone,” “The Doors,” and a series of sexually confusing dreams I keep having, has died of pneumonia at the age of 65.

Throughout his career, Kilmer’s unapologetic self-seriousness made him tedious but undeniably magnetic. His Batman movie is often derided, but no actor quite captured the complexity of Bruce Wayne like Kilmer. It’s hard to imagine anyone else as Jim Morrison. It’s outright impossible to envision any other actor walking in on a tryst I was having with my third grade math teacher Mrs. Hinterland and making snarky criticisms about my performance.

Like any genius of a craft, Kilmer could often be difficult to work with. Throughout his career he had highly publicized clashes with some of the top directors in Hollywood. His prima donna antics on the set of “The Island of Dr. Moreau” were legendary, and partially blamed for the film’s failure. The moment he realized his snarky taunts at my sexual prowess were arousing me, he started giving me the silent treatment. Still, the man’s work and the stains on my sheets speak for themselves.

Kilmer was that rare breed of actor whose choices made it impossible to take your eyes off of him. You never quite knew what he was going to do moment to moment. There was an irresistible danger to him, like when Iceman suddenly chomps at Maverick in “Top Gun,” or how all the sudden we would be on a boat, just me and him, the latter dressed as Mark Twain, slowly removing his prosthetics and then removing everything else, his toasted-chestnut skin soaking in the sun, my hungry eyes soaking in every inch of his immaculate body.

His attitude may have stunted his career. At one point it seemed he was on track to become a leading man on par with Tom Cruise, who is too short for me, but as his difficult reputation grew he found himself relegated to supporting roles, and eventually my homoerotic dreams shifted to Idris Elba. At the end of the day, however, it was that somewhat volatile streak that set his work apart and made it special, a fact that he fortunately seemed to come to terms with at the end of his life.

Rest in peace Val Kilmer. Whether we’re looking for a blockbuster film whose lead is unafraid of making strong choices or subconsciously coming to terms with the internalized shame of our latent bisexuality, you’ll always be our huckleberry.

Tattoo Artist Starting to Suspect Client Just Coming in to Get Back Shaved

By Matt Husser 

EUGENE, Ore. — Tattoo artist Joe Brennan reportedly began to suspect his longtime client was just coming in to get his back shaved after the man left repeated sessions early, sources confirmed.

“I’ve been working on Tom’s back piece for the last three years, but I’m beginning to think he’s just in it for the pre-tattoo shave—he even started bringing in his own lavender-scented sensitive skin shaving cream,” said Brennan, wiping up a tumbleweed of back hair from the shop floor. “It takes like an hour to hack through the fucking rainforest on his back, and then he bails after five minutes of tattooing. He’s paying my hourly rate so it’s not a total loss, but I just hope this isn’t some weird fetish thing.”

Tom Papadopoulos denied any wrongdoing, arguing that he simply liked to take his time completing his back piece.

“I have no idea what Joe is talking about, I just prefer to book my back piece appointments in five-minute sessions once a month, or sometimes twice if I have a really big Hinge date,” said Papadopoulos, applying aftershave to his back. “That green soap they always use irritates my skin, so I prefer to pamper myself with something a little more delicate. Besides, it’s not my fault that the only thing my deadbeat Dad left me was a hereditary shag carpet on my back that I can’t reach by myself.”

As word spread around town, fellow tattoo artist Bucky Clarke reported that his suspicions about his former client were finally confirmed.

“Wait a minute—that hairy guy that brings his own lotions and balms, comes in for five minute sessions, always asks if he can light a candle? That’s the guy that tried to get me to shave his ass!” shouted Clarke, recoiling from the memory. “I was doing a big piece on the back of his legs and he kept asking if I could shave a little higher. I must have shaved ten acres of brush before I finally caught on and kicked him out.”

At press time, Papadopoulos’ chiropractor was starting to suspect that he was only coming in for the free hugs.

5 Easy Weeknight Meals That Are All Just a Whole Rotisserie Chicken With No Utensils

By Violet Cowdin 

Weeknights are busy. You come home after a long and hellish day of being told what to do by people you don’t respect…and now your stomach is rumbling? Perfect. Time to figure out what will fuel you for the next depression-riddled maze we call “tomorrow.”

Let’s be honest, the only thing that sounds appetizing lately is the idea of clawing your own eyeballs out and popping them like gushers while you sob blood. That’s why this meal plan is magic! See below for some easy AND appetizing dinners you won’t want to miss.

Bon appetit!

Below you’ll find an accompanying shopping list you shouldn’t share with anyone else:

– 5 Whole Rotisserie Chickens
– Absolutely 0 (zero) utensils
– 1 unhealed heart

WEEKDAY MEAL PLAN:

Monday: A historically horrible day of the week deserves nothing short of a carnal experience. Dive into one of those…how many days old? No – it doesn’t matter – chickens until you’re sucking the smallest bone dry.

Tuesday: Another case of the terrible Tuesdays? Why make it harder? Just use your hands to decimate a whole entire rotisserie chicken you got at Walmart.

Wednesday: It’s Hump Day, isn’t it? Why not get off while you eat a whole-ass rotisserie chicken and watch Traitors? It’s not not fun.

Thursday: You’re so close – Why stop now? Grab one of those hens, dress it up, and kiss it before ripping her apart.

Friday: More like FriYAY! You deserve a big meal after all your hard work. You know what? Probably best if you don’t start thinking about what you do and do not deserve. For now, it’s time for you to go absolutely HAM on a whole entire fowl eaten with just your hands and no utensils.

I can’t help but come back to this time and time again, no matter how much my loved ones beg me not to. I can guarantee that once you experience ravaging a carcass it will become both your greatest joy, as well as your greatest point of shame. And isn’t tha the most appetizing combo of all?

Guy Who Wrote Title for PornHub Upload Clearly Going Through Some Stuff

By Charles Bill 

PHILADELPHIA — Frequent PornHub uploader Tyler Jones was clearly going through some stuff as evidenced by the title of his latest entry, confirmed masturbators nationwide.

“I was browsing for something to beat my meat to, and I came across this really curious title,” explained pornography connoisseur Patrick Adams. “The video was called ‘Dirty Whore Cucks Her Pathetic Boyfriend Who Has Done Nothing But Love Her And Provide For Her, and Co-Sign A Loan So She Can Buy A Ford Fiesta.’ I cranked my hog to it of course, but I was feeling a little weird about it. I checked out the comments, and the poster was really active in there. For instance, he posted a lot of comments about how love is a lie and we all die alone. Really put a damper on my afterglow.”

Although the video quickly gained views, the uploader himself did not seem to revel in his pornographic success.

“Women don’t care about anything except money and looks,” said Jones, who had clearly been crying. “They’ll just use you up, make you take them to the Cheesecake Factory, and never offer to pay, even when they get the herb crusted filet mignon. Sure, I don’t mind paying, but then we have to go out and see ‘Wicked’ in theaters? Again? Hopefully this video helps to show horny dudes from around the world that women aren’t worth it. They just take, and take, and then you find out that they’re sleeping with your best friend Kyle. I miss you so much Jessica. I’m so sorry.”

The phenomenon of pornography titles revealing elements of the uploader’s psyche is one that has existed as long as erotic art has.

“Porn has always been a window into the soul of the creator,” stated pornography historian and clinical psychologist Dr. Helga Stein. “The original title of ‘Deep Throat’ was ‘Even Though This Woman Is So Good At Sucking Dick, It Doesn’t Mean She Is Happy,’ but it didn’t test well with audiences so they cut it down. Even the paleolithic fertility icon, the Venus of Willendorf, included an inscription that archaeologists recently translated as ‘Please don’t take the kids Grunka Thump.’ Carbon dating revealed that she did, in fact, take the kids.”

At press time, Jones was uploading another video to PornHub, the title of which was an impassioned plea for everyone to get a prenuptial agreement.

Samus Aran Denied Insurance Claim for Missing Items

BY Amity Gilmour 

ZEBES — The galaxy’s deadliest bounty hunter, Samus Aran, made headlines earlier today after a public announcement that she had been denied her latest insurance claim.

“This is an absolute outrage,” said ADAM, Samus’ ship’s supercomputer. “Lady saves the galaxy on a near daily basis. These dangerous missions take significant amounts of time to complete, and often result in equipment loss or damage. She has insurance for this exact purpose, and now she’s being punished for it.”

The bounty hunter has been known to frequently experience spontaneous equipment loss, often necessitating a thorough exploration of any mission area to retrieve old items or find new ones.

“While we don’t normally comment on individual cases, the claimant’s actions are just ridiculous,” said Ms. Bergman, a representative of Phase-On Insurance. “They’ve filed claims for being shot down by Space Pirates, being blown up on a Space Pirate frigate, and even getting attacked by ‘shadowy shapeshifters from a planet’s evil half’. Don’t get me started on the report she somehow ‘lost’ all her equipment in her tiny-ass spaceship, ten minutes after dropping off a genetically engineered bioweapon.”

“The fact of the matter is that Samus Aran, with her decades of experience, is not nearly qualified enough to judge what she needs to complete her missions,” Ms. Bergman continued.
“Our insurance representatives fulfill that job just fine.”

Questions arose as to whether or not the Galactic Federation, Aran’s primary employer, could foot the bill for lost items.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” said General Alex Miles. “She just got done breaking our unbreakable robots. She stole our fancy new ship and supercomputer. We’re still trying to settle lawsuits for ZDR and SR388. So no, we’re not exactly flush with cash to replace her missing equipment.”

At press time, Phase-On Insurance suffered extensive structural damage whilst Samus attempted to retrieve a missile expansion stuffed in their ventilation system.

Nintendo Casts Renowned Map Expert, Drake to Play Tingle in Zelda Adaptation

BY Nick Coffman 

KYOTO, Japan — After a rough 2024, Toronto rapper Drake has joined the cast of the upcoming Legend of Zelda adaptation as Tingle, the middle-aged map maker who believes he’s a fairy.

Legendary game developer, Shigeru Miyamoto, who is also a producer on the film, announced the casting in a video posted on the Nintendo Today app.

“We are very excited to have Mr. Graham on board to play Tingle. We knew we wanted a map expert in the role,” Miyamoto said with his lovable smile. “Everywhere I looked online there was reference to Mr. Graham and his work in maps. I knew about his acting and his rapping. I had no idea he was into cartography. Such a fun little hobby.”

Miyamoto goes on in the video to discuss the shape the adaptation has taken and how Drake is helping to form the film.

“He is already very hands-on in the process,” Miyamoto said, as the camera panned out to reveal him wearing a Take Care shirt with Mario in the place of Drake. “He asked so many questions on his first day. Would the film feature young Link? WIll the Bomber Secret Society of Justice be in the movie? What about Skull Kid? He is adamant about this being a movie for kids. He wouldn’t sign on unless I put it in the contract that we’re aiming for a PG-13 rating.”

To conclude the video, Miyimoto brought out Drake to premiere his new single, “Setting a New Course” which will appear on the film’s original soundtrack.

“Koo-loo-Limpah, they call me big pimpah. I’ve been through the worst, now I’m setting a new course,” Drake rapped, as Miyimoto bobbed his head awkwardly. “Tingle Tingle, Zelda you make my thing dingle. Tell Majora take off her mask, let’s link up and take on this love task.”

At press time, Nintendo released the first image of Drake in Tingle’s tights, which promptly broke most of the internet.