Hard Digest March 26: Early Access Chicken Tenders, Drag, Sports, and More

Man Only Attending Music Festival for the $25 Chicken Tenders

By Audrey Vieira 

AUSTIN, Texas — Local festivalgoer Kyle Garrison confessed to buying ACL Music Festival tickets not for the lineup, but for his favorite $25 chicken tenders from the concessions stand, sources who smuggled their own snacks inside report.

“Lineups come and go, but I can always rely on these tenders to be there for me,” Garrison said while waiting in line at the concession stand. “The dudes here make them just the way I like them — perfectly lukewarm, with a tiny cold spot in the middle to beat that festival heat. Sometimes I even treat myself to a side of honey mustard for a few extra bucks. I don’t know how they make it the exact same temperature as the chicken, but I don’t ask chefs to reveal their secrets.”

Connor Hutchins, Garrison’s friend and fellow festivalgoer, was less enthusiastic about the pricey tenders.

“Look, I’m not going to judge Kyle for liking lukewarm chicken, but I am going to judge him for paying $25 for it when we could be getting a good spot for Magdalena Bay,” Hutchins said while trying to get a better look at the stage from his place in line. “There are plenty of other places that serve mediocre chicken tenders without charging hundreds of dollars to get in the door. The hospital cafeteria serves these exact same tenders for like $3 a plate if you look like you’re visiting someone. Hell, I’m pretty sure you can get them for free if you pass out and get sent to a medical tent.”

Live Nation Executive Craig Martin was delighted to imagine how people liking overpriced festival food could increase his future profits.

“Here at Live Nation, we don’t set out to make things that are good. We’re famously your only option,” Martin said with a laugh. “But one guy unironically liking our chicken tenders could open a lot of doors for us. With our dynamic pricing model, we could charge him twice as much and pass it off as some kind of fan fee. If even two or three suckers are desperate enough to buy our festival food anyway, we could even implement it at all of our concession stands nationwide.”

At press time, Garrison was spotted enthusiastically asking concessions staff about the best $30 cocktail to pair with his meal.

Opinion: If Drag Is So Harmless Then Why Do I Have This Terrifying Erection

By Ryan Clark 

Dear America. I know that this country is supposed to be a melting pot where different nationalities and cultures can coexist as one. But sometimes I come across some people that give me strange feelings, which is obviously their fault! Drag Queens in particular make me feel weird and for that they need to go back to where they came from! We need to keep drag queens out of my country and out of my dreams!

I don’t care what the woke liberal media tries to convince you! I’m sick and tired of seeing all these drag queens in areas I’m actively seeking them out! All these drag queens with their sinful behavior and perfect asses go against the ways of our lord and savior Jesus Christ!

But I’m not going to fall for their devious ways. I have God and my wife who’s name escapes me at the moment on my side! Every night I have my wife pray for me while I relentlessly search every episode of Ru Paul’s Drag Race for demonic messages! If it wasn’t for the power of prayer I don’t know if I could ever escape from Ru Paul’s dreamlike gaze and flirtatious laugh. I would probably sashay away straight to hell!

But I must remember that behind all those pouting lips and tantalizing hips are lost sheep who have lost their way. So I must do what any good Christian would do and force my religion down their throats… Right past those soft, tantalizing, beautiful lips of theirs! So three times a week I go down to Hamburger Mary’s in West Hollywood and put Christian pamphlets in the bra strap, thong, or brassiere of every drag queen performing that night. You gotta get it deep in there otherwise, they may never know what the love of Christ feels like.

I pray that I am able to reach as many drag queens as I can with my personal favorite bible verse Ezekiel 23:20. “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” Amen.

Sports Fans and Metalheads Find Common Ground Around Drinking in Parking Lots

By Dan Kozuh 

CHICAGO — Local baseball fans and metalheads discovered that they shared an affinity to drink in parking lots, while one group was pregaming for death metal band Sepcis at the historic music venue The Metro and the other at a nearby baseball game at Wrigley Field, sources from both sides confirm.

“These guys rolled up and I thought we were going to have a problem, but then we realized, holy shit, they’re just like us—trying to get as much booze in our system as possible before we go inside and have to pay fourteen bucks for a Coors Light,” said local metalhead Jake Mallory after doing a beer bong brought by a Cubs fan. “They also had a full grill setup and a tent, and we were like, ‘Okay, this is new.’ It makes sense to get some food in your stomach and not get heat stroke before having to stand for three hours. I don’t think I’m going to puke today!”

The sports fans, who were initially wary of the long-haired, black-clad figures chugging whiskey from innocuous apple juice bottles, quickly embraced the opportunity to learn.

“These metal dudes had it down to a science,” said Cubs season ticket holder Mike Taglieri, who had been pre-gaming since 9 a.m. with Bud Light and bratwursts. “I thought I knew how to drink in a parking lot, but man, they took it to another level. They taught us about sneaking flasks past security, how to run back to your car to do shots, and how to hide a bottle behind a dumpster by the exit. Honestly, I’m never paying stadium prices again.”

Experts say this rare moment of camaraderie shows how even groups that often seem opposed can find common ground.

“Historically, sports fans and metalheads have been at odds—one group idolizes the thrill of competition, the other worships musicians who sound like they’re gargling nails,” explained Dr. Karen Holtz, a sociologist at Northwestern University. “But what we see here is a classic example of how shared rituals—like aggressively consuming alcohol in an acre of asphalt—can bridge cultural divides. Sure, the sports fans can’t name the lead singer of Slayer and the metalheads have no clue who plays first base for the Cubs, but at least they have each other’s company.”

At press time, the peace was shattered when one sports fan attempted to bond further by declaring their love for metal bands like Linkin Park.

Kaitlyn Dever Attends The Last Of Us Red Carpet Premiere in Cute Gucci Bulletproof Vest

BY Nick Coffman 

LOS ANGELES — The cast and creative team behind HBO’s adaptation of “The Last of Us” hit the red carpet on Monday for the series’ season two premiere. Newcomer to the series, Kaitlyn Dever, turned heads in an adorable bulletproof vest from Gucci.

Dever spoke with reporters about portraying Abby and her excitement for the upcoming season.

“I can’t wait for the fans to see the season,” Dever said, her eyes darting back-and-forth across the walkway. “Abby is a tough chick, and I just hope I brought her justice. I think fans will be happy with my portrayal of her. I had to bring my A-game, especially with Bella and Pedro there, killing it constantly.”

Reporters attempted to ask Dever about online backlash but were interrupted when a nearby car horn sent her diving for the concrete.

“Nervous? No, I am not nervous at all. Why, what have you heard,” Devers said, picking herself up off the ground. “The internet has been nothing but supportive. I have no reason to believe my turn as Abby will change any of that. Hey, do you see that guy? The one over there with the dirty PS3-era Last of Us T-shirt. Is he staring at us?”

Things at the premiere took a turn when the unidentified, odious man hopped the press line and charged toward Dever. His attack came to a screeching halt when Laura Bailey, the original voice actor for Abby, appeared out of nowhere in full Armani riot gear and clubbed the man to death. Bailey then joined Dever for her interview.

“We shouldn’t be giving these neckbeards any time,” Bailey said, after complimenting Dever’s bulletproof vest. “It is enough that art is being jeopardized by content mongrels who are looking to make a buck off the very content they’re shitting on. I am here to support Kaitlyn and all the artists who made this night possible. If I beat the life out of an annoying gamer along the way, that’s just an added bonus.”

At press time, Bailey gifted Dever an Armani riot shield as they entered the theater.

GameStop Trades-In Game Informer for $3 Credit

BY Matt Fresh 

MINNEAPOLIS — In a shocking development, defunct gaming publication Game Informer is being brought back after GameStop traded it in to Gunzilla Games for $3 worth of credit.

“It was just collecting dust so we figured we may as well trade it in and put whatever we get towards buying something else to ruin,” said GameStop CFO Thomas Levendale. “I was honestly shocked at how much we got for it. I mean what kind of sucker gives three full dollars of credit for someone’s used product? I’m not complaining though, now we have $3 credit to get whatever we want. Dobson in sales suggested we use the credit to fund improvements to our customer experience and he was promptly fired.”

Matthias Price, a spokesperson for Gunzilla Games spoke to reporters about the deal.

“We’re very happy to have Game Informer back up and running under our watch. GameStop came to us looking to trade it in and we gave them a perfectly good deal. I mean we have to make shelf space for it, and try to sell copies so $3 was more than fair. We’re going to make much more money now than we would have if we had given them something close to the real value.”

When asked if the company’s interest in NFTs and the blockchain would eventually affect Game Informer, Price immediately left.

GameStop customers are excited over what the company can do with their newfound wealth.

“This is such a big opportunity for them,” said frequent GameStop customer Jeff Hawkins. “Not many people get three whole dollars of trade credit, they have enough to completely transform the store. Maybe now they even have the budget to get those space wasting video games out of there. They can put so many more Funko Pops and other nick nacks on the shelves now.

At press time, GameStop reportedly used their newfound credit to stock an extra pair of socks no one will ever buy.