thehardtimes

Hard Digest March 9: Early Access Iron Maiden, Square Dancing, Wheelchair Ramps, and More

Added 2025-03-10 00:00:04 +0000 UTC

Iron Maiden Writes Song About the British Credit Crisis of 1772 After Realizing They’ve Already Covered Every Other Topic in Human History

LONDON — Legendary British metal band Iron Maiden found themselves writing a song about the British Credit Crisis of 1772 after discovering they had already covered every other topic in human history, sources report.

“I went into the studio excited to write a song about ancient Egypt, but we apparently already did that decades ago,” said frontman Bruce Dickinson. “I went to my backup plan of a chronological narration of the life of Alexander the Great, but sure enough, the closer to ‘Somewhere in Time’ already took care of that. So I then scrambled through some history books and wrote lyrics about the Falklands War, but it turns out we did that on ‘Virtual XI.’ Honestly, that one shouldn’t even count because I wasn’t even on that album. I ended up picking this boring credit crisis because there was literally nothing left. It’s going to be tough trying to give this subject matter that adventurous Maiden sound.”

Fan Pua Kalani expressed her concerns about her favorite band.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Iron Maiden,” Kalani said. “I just think they’ve been around for so long that it’s starting to affect their ability to write new music. I mean, it’s tough seeing the band that wrote ‘The Trooper’ and ‘Flash of the Blade’ resorting to writing songs about 18th century finance just to continue being original. I have a passion for the most exciting parts of history that began with Iron Maiden, so it’s a drag seeing them write songs about some old British prick shorting East India Company stock.”

Music expert Claude Runer was not surprised at the issue Iron Maiden was facing.

“Metal bands that have been around for decades find themselves starved for new ideas all the time,” Runer offered. “How many different ways can Deicide express their hatred for God via song lyrics, or Cannibal Corpse describe someone being killed in a horrible fashion? My advice to Mr. Dickinson is to just call it quits on the new stuff altogether. Nobody’s going to Iron Maiden concerts excited to hear the new material, so he should just consider himself lucky to have made a career out of music, even if it means satiating his fans by playing ‘2 Minutes to Midnight’ for the millionth time.”

At press time, Dickinson was considering writing science fiction lyrics inspired by the work of Aldous Huxley before realizing he’d already done that, too.

Opinion: School Never Taught Me How to Manage My Finances, But Learning How to Square Dance Has Made My Entire Life So Much Richer

By Jordan Liffengren

As I write this from a jail cell for accidental tax evasion, I know one thing is certain: the world of finances remains a great mystery, but learning how to square dance has made me a much better person.

Did you know I met my first girlfriend square dancing? I got a promotion when my boss saw me square dance. I even saved a man’s life by square dancing! Let me set the scene: it’s a beautiful black tie event. I start square dancing and accidentally bump into the mayor of Minneapolis while do-si-doing. I gasp as a weenie hor d’oeuvre cannonballs out of his airway. Turns out, he was choking and my square dancing was the perfect, direct hit heimlich maneuver. It has truly been a light in a dark place, especially since I was living in my Mercury Sable at the time after declaring bankruptcy. All I can say is, thank god for the American school system.

I just wish I had been a bit smarter about my finances. I wish someone taught me how to balance a checkbook or what a high yield savings account was. It would have been amazing to learn what interest was… My friends were kind enough to help me pay off a large chunk of my $250,000 of debt, but unfortunately, all I could give them were IOUs. They don’t talk to me anymore, I get it. The only person calling me nowadays is Dan Fielder from collections. He never wants to just grab a beer—it’s always “unpaid balance this,” and “foreclosure process that.”

But sometimes, the thrill of square dancing makes up for all of my financial struggles. It’s so emotionally rewarding. I’m thinking about turning square dancing into a career, so I can finally make money from what I love doing most. There has to be an audience for niche group dances taught in in middle school. I can even throw in other ‘90s PE classics, like hiding under a colorful parachute together, or riding scooters down a bumpy blacktop slope. I’m sure there’s dozens of dollars to be made here.

Thankfully the education system gave me plenty of other skills to become a successful adult. It taught me the three P’s: the Pledge of Allegiance, the Pythagorean theorem, and Punnett squares. Can you say, “cha-ching”?

“Wheelchair Ramps Are Woke!” Screams Man Who Was Once a Child Capable of Love and Empathy

By Sean Fallon

TAMPA, Fla. — Local curmudgeon John McCallister loudly revealed that he believed wheelchair ramps are woke, despite once being capable of love and empathy as a child, confirmed sources gradually turning their chairs away from him.

“There’s no way in Hell I can sit back and watch as everyone has equitable access to a building,” said McCallister. “If God wanted us to walk on a slant, he wouldn’t have paved our roads. The founding fathers liked stairs and perfectly horizontal floors and nothing else. It’s all just entitled Millennials who want to change all stairs into ramps like they want to change all girls into boys and all boys into more ramps. Mostly I blame DEI for this ramp epidemic.”

Sally Dean, McCallister’s ex-wife, says that when they met, he was full of wonder and joy but gradually succumbed to awfulness.

“We were married for 15 years,” said Dean, who lives in California and doesn’t take McCallister’s calls. “Once John decided that not dying of COVID was woke, we split up and he’s only gotten worse, saying that sandwiches, hurricanes, the Kansas City Chiefs, prepositions, and email auto-replies are all woke. He used to actually smile. But then he said that was lib crap. It’s like he sees sociopathy as a strength.”

Abel Foley, a child psychologist, sees this kind of behavior all the time in men who used to be children capable of compassion but are now terrified that everything is changing and will somehow harm them.

“John is one of many,” said Foley, who has recently been treating more man-children than actual children. “A kid sees the world as something pure and good with some scary bits on the fringes, like the Boogeyman or whatever is hiding underneath the bed. Once they grow up and start listening to Rogan and watching Fox News, those scary bits take over and the next minute they’re worried that wiping their asses properly makes them gay. Eventually, we’ll hit the woke singularity and these men will implode into miniature black holes, which is for the best of society.”

At press time, McCallister declared that subtitles on movies and TV shows are woke, even though he desperately needs them himself.