Falling In Love

I've been away from this newsletter for a little bit, mostly because i've been living life, and experiencing this beautiful world.  Lifes been busy, and chaotic and it's been hard for me to formulate coherent thoughts about my past and present experiences.

But now I'm settled back home again and it feels like a good time to start reflecting.

This story is very deep and personal, but i'm very open with you all, and feel inclined to talk about what has happened this past month.

I really feel that when we are truly connected with ourselves and our own inner truth, life brings you exactly where you need to go.  This is one of those times where the events seemed to be too perfect.  Like it was meant to happen.

As many of you guys know, I live up in the mountains, far away from people, especially people my own age.  Most people in their 20’s are in college, or in the bigger cities working.  The people living up here are older, and have already lived their life… and then there’s me.  

So when I met this guy, who was my age, that I actually started to have feelings for, it completely threw me off. 

I've been very closed off from romantic relationships because of previous negative experiences that have happened to me.  Shitty boyfriends, sexual abuse, and rejection has been a huge trauma that ive been working through this year.  For the past couple years it felt like i was going to be alone for the rest of my life, that I would never again be able to allow myself to feel things romantically for anyone. It just felt like i wasn't emotionally capable of letting another person into my life (probably because of all the pain and heartbreak associated with relationships) 

The thing is, throughout all my past experiences with love and relationships, i never really felt like i ever actually liked any of the people i dated. It was more simply convenience, and feeling like I should be attracted to this person (so I convinced myself I was).

But deep down there was always this fear in me, that because i never actually felt a connection with these partners in my life, i wasn't capable of loving someone in that way.

When I moved out here and started to really embody my inner truth, and live in alignment with my highest potential, the fear of never falling in love, started to fade away.  It was replaced with feelings of contentment with the idea of being alone.  Being alone forever didn't really scare me anymore, and i was finding such clarity and truthfulness within myself, that it no longer mattered whether or not i ever met anyone.  I became okay with simply just being.

That's when my world turned upside down.

You guys probably know that I regularly take morning walks up to the top of this mountain behind my house.  I'll sit up there for hours and stare off into the mountains.  I feel complete peacefulness and freedom up there.  Off in the distance I often look at this old tower.  When I first saw it many months ago, I thought maybe it was a cellphone tower.  But then I remembered that we don't have cell connection here, and there are no cell phone towers in this valley.  So for many months I wondered what this tower was used for.  I imagined maybe someone lived up there.  I even brought my binoculars one day and tried to get a closer look at what this was.   I kinda forgot about this for a while, and decided it was an unsolved mystery.

Down the valley at the end of the road, the river turns into a lake and the lake is where the town is located.  There’s a small local park next to the lake, a little grocery store, and a gas station.  That's pretty much it.  This town is 15 minutes drive down the valley from where I live.  

On the evening of the full moon I was sitting at this park.  This is where I first saw this boy.  A beautiful tall guy with dark brown hair.  He was with other guys and they were all in matching uniforms.  I was very intrigued by this, because I don't usually see younger looking people around here.  Through a lot of inner turmoil in my head, I decided to approach this person.  Inquiring what they were doing.  He told me that they were stationed up the road on call for the summer fighting wildfires.  

We sat on the grass overlooking the lake and talked for hours, watching the sun set, and the darkness came.  Our conversations felt so easy and naturally we talked well into the night.  Around 1am there was a light coming from across the water, and moments later the moon began to rise above the mountain peaks.  The light of the moon reflected onto the dark lake, and everything felt extremely calm.  I had this strange inner feeling that I was exactly where I needed to be.  

We said goodbye, and I had such a feeling of warmth inside me.  It kinda felt like I was living in a movie.  

So for the past month i've been spending days with this boy up in the mountains, talking about life, and feeling completely in love.  A feeling ive never experienced before.  This feeling is so foreign, it's hard for me to even write about it.  

One day he was visiting my house, and we walked up to the top of the mountain.   We were looking into the distance and he said “oh my god i can see our fire station”  

The tower that i had been staring at was the station where all the firefighters worked.  For the past 4 months they had been hiking to the top of that lookout and were stationed there for wildfires.  We had been looking at each other, without even knowing it.  

This was one of those moments where it felt like such a clear sign from the universe.   Or maybe just some crazy coincidence.  But regardless, the feeling of synchronicity was a little bit haunting. 

I really hope this relationship continues to grow  but if it doesn't, and it ends, I'm equally okay with that.  This person has shown me that i have the capacity to love someone.  This past month  I've been able to let go of so many fears that have been holding me back, and everyday i feel a little bit more….free. Free to be the fullest potential of who i am.  Free to be Isabel.   Free to love everyone, and to love this earth.