Notice. And, my story

Hello, everyone.

First of all, I'd like to apologize.

With psychiatric treatment still underway, I'm informing you of a situation where the future has not been decided.

I'm ashamed of myself, but I wrote this because I concluded the direction of Patreon and myself.

First, I'll guide you through the conclusion.

I don't have prepared any compensation for January.

January's reward was promised to be the completion of two poi works following December and one separate work.

Accordingly, I will distribute links that meet your sponsorship level before the end of January and update the work on the link as soon as the work is completed.

In February, we will first produce January rewards and then February rewards for the rest.

The contents of the compensation will be decided by voting until the completion of the compensation production in January.

If the February compensation and January compensation are not completed in February, the link will be provided first, and then the Patreon will be suspended for a month and the work will be completed.

Afterward, in the case of the Patreon operation,  plan to post videos once or twice a month in the same way as before.

Below is a calm story about the artist's individual life.

This post is not an apology. It's not about apologizing to you or about future improvements.

It's a simple personal situation, so you can ignore it without reading it.

This year marks exactly the 10th year after I quit college and started learning painting.

I went to college safely in a family where my parents didn't get along well, my older brother who always supported me, and a family that still had nothing lacking.

My mother suffered from severe depression due to my father's affair and the overbearing attitude of relatives, but she was always a warm mother to me.

But I've enjoyed the animation, cartoons, and games since 20 years ago, so I wanted to draw.

In 2012, despite opposition from my family except for my old brother, he studied painting in a poor environment for two years and got a job at a game company.

In 2014, just before I started my internship, I returned to my hometown to proudly brag about it to my family.

And that day, in front of my family I met for the first time in two years, I vomited blood and collapsed feeling abdominal pain.

The causes were pulmonary and colon tuberculosis and malnutrition.

In 2015, I had to treat it for a year and of course, the scheduled job was canceled. 

At that time, I suffered from various diseases such as spinal stenosis, neck disc, wrist tunnel syndrome, and depression, and most of them are still bothering me.

Since then, two years of trying to stand in front of my family has contributed to my family trying to tie me up.

My mother's depression got worse, so she fell into anxiety if I wasn't around for a moment, and my father quit the university he sent me with his own money and recognized that I didn't know how to do anything.

In 2016, I couldn't go back to other cities due to opposition from my family, and I lived in my hometown without a game company.

During this period, the relationship between parents broke down. It was a relationship that was hard to see as a family in anyone's see. However, the family was nominally maintained.

In 2019, I wanted to work on the painting as a job again, and I started Patreon.

I usually went to work in the evening, drew pictures during the day, and conducted a commission with Patreon.

And, my grandmother, who supported me in drawing, passed away.

I wanted to quit my other job and draw only.

However, in the past, my brother, who supported me to study painting, was about to get married, and my relatives stole my brother's marriage funds. 

The grandmother raised funds from relatives and family members and created a marriage account for her brother, but when the grandmother passed away without a will, the relatives took the money.

With the money I earned so far, my brother got married safely.

This is the end of my 20s.

In 2020, my family went on a trip to the Czech Republic to make up my mind for the last time.

Just in time, the pandemic began on the day I returned home from my trip.

For the first time in my life, I thought I was lucky.

After that, I thought the situation was improving for the time being.

My family relationship is still unstable like a bomb that I don't know when it will explode, but I quit the company and now I can focus only on painting.

It's all thanks to you. sponsors.

If you hadn't sponsored my paintings, I wouldn't have been able to quit the company.

Since then, life began to stabilize, and I left the house like a thorn cushion and started living alone.

In 2021, I began to feel skeptical about my life.

I've been painting for nine years, but I felt that my confidence gradually diminished while looking at other artists similar to me.

Writers who are younger than me but draw great pictures.

Writers who started painting late, but quickly settled down by drawing attractive pictures.

I thought it was a situation that everyone experienced. 

I wanted to think positively to regain my confidence, but whenever I thought about other things, I remembered a past full of regrets and anxiety about an unknown future.

Thanks to your love, I got enough profit to live, but looking at other people ahead of me, I kept falling behind and saw the future of being alone someday.

My grandmother who supported me passed away.

My brother got a family and instead of cheering me on anymore, he was in a situation where he was helped by me.

My mother once supported me, but she started standing alone to prepare for divorce from my father.

When I was a student, I wanted to meet my friends and talk to them while drinking, but there were only three friends left in my hometown for 10 years, and it was hard to meet them for all sorts of reasons.

I thought I'd been helping people in need.

but, It was so sad that there was not a single person who met me when I was in trouble.

I can't say I'm young anymore, and it's been 10 years since I started social life.

now, this is my timeline.

 Wake up in the morning in an 18.5m² house where there is no one, turn on the computer, and after finishing work in the morning and evening, ask others if they can meet.

 And after dinner alone, I spend time working again or playing games and fall asleep.

 My motivation for life began to fade.

 It's not that I want to die.

 I keep looking for the reason why I live, but I've never been able to reach a positive conclusion.

 What is helpful to the world because I am alive?

 If I die, my mother and brother will be sad, but is it really sad because I'm gone or because I can't get any more money from me?

 If I die, how many of my past friends will come?

 Wouldn't the friends who came be grateful that they could only take a vacation to see me dead?

The people in Discord, who I feel and value only, will not change if I die.

So I wanted to date or meet new people.

There were many things I valued, but I wanted to interact with someone who valued me.

There were many things I valued, but I wanted to interact with someone who valued me.

 I wanted to do something I couldn't do when I was in my 20s.

 Others will wonder that I feel unhappy with myself.

 There is no lover.

 However, there will be more people without lovers than expected.

 The family also feels like there is no more. No, I think it would be better to have no family.

 Now that a couple's divorce is common, there will be many people like me.

 There are no friends who laugh and talk about trivial things like when they were teenagers.

 There may be some people who do not have time to make friends or have few or no friends in the past for unfortunate reasons.

 The reason why I think of myself negatively is already enough, but I think the problem is that I don't try.

 I can take care of myself to make a lover, at the same age as me, I make a new family by making a lover rather than parents and brothers, or by making a wife and children. 

 I've been spending 2021 continuing to worry about the above.

So I started trying.

There was already a "who" I wanted to meet.

 I started exercising, taking care of my skin, and losing weight to make myself not ashamed of my opponent. 

 In order to make friends, I tried to appeal to various communities, help others, and become close.

 This is why my uploads have started to slow down since the summer of 2021.

 The friends I meet sometimes said that I challenged, tried, and that's why I was able to meet with my sponsors and that I can live alone in a situation where the economy is deteriorating.

 However, if the present is what I have achieved by trying and challenging,

 It's too harsh in reality.

 If I've achieved nothing satisfactory until I wake up and sleep, is it too much for me to be greedy?

 If so, I thought trying harder was the answer.

 I've never felt a sense of accomplishment since I got accepted as an intern at a company eight years ago.

 I sleep 3 hours every 2 days and remember the sense of accomplishment I gained after trying for 2 years.

 But I already know from experience that it's not good to overwork my body like then.

 Therefore, I'm sorry to say this to sponsors, but I never overworked myself more than a certain amount.

 I slept at least four hours a day, and I didn't skip meals.

 I went to the hospital if I was sick even a little.

 So, I started to use the time I had more meaningfully.

 And the result I got was that I was a pathetic human being who knew plans and ways to improve the reality that I wasn't satisfied with myself, but couldn't implement it.

 Just before the start of 2022, I began to think like this.

 I was the one who consciously showed kindness to others, was hypocritical, didn't spend enough time on paintings, and was false to check profits this month.

 No matter how honest I am to others, there are very few people who can understand it, and the feelings I have toward a particular reason do not love, but the obsession with self-brainwashing, "I like this person."

 I think deceiving others is a bad thing, and I've treated others without lies, but deceiving myself has been a lifelong way of life.

 If you felt that the writings so far were a mess, that would be the answer.

 It's because I wrote down what I thought, why I thought, and what I thought about my past so far.

 And the same goes for the situation in my head.

January 3rd, 2022. As a result of consultation with the psychiatrist, the treatment is currently being conducted in the following ways.

Without any plans, I acted according to "I want to do this," not according to "I should do this."

I played games all day long while taking medicine steadily, suddenly took the train to a distant place, or lay in bed all day long.

For the first week, I felt anxious about the future that would happen when I didn't do what I had to do, but I was gradually able to relax and focus on what I wanted to do.

 Later, when I started playing with my pen away, such as traveling or playing games, I wanted to draw, and I started drawing once every few days.

 But, as January is coming to an end, I feel like I'm back for the first time.

 The anxiety about not doing what I had to do grew, so I suddenly wrote today.

 Treatment is still underway, and we will consult with the doctor again about how long it will take in the future.

 This is my life since I started learning painting. 

 I've lived my whole life with this thought.

 So far, I have belonged to several communities and have shared these concerns several times.

 In fact, I am well aware that all of these articles expect and write specific answers.

 And even if I hear the answer want, I know that me the one who doesn't change anything.

 However, whether it's offline or online now, you're the only one next to me.

 Once again, this post is not an apology.

 It's an article for myself that I want to talk about myself to others and feel at least a little more comfortable.

  Thank you for reading the long message.