Journal Entry #2: Cancelling Dating

Cancelling Dating

Dating is one of the worst ways in the world to find love in 2021. The process of dating is arbitrary and stupid and the rules make no sense.  The entirety of dating is based on hoping that the other person can “read non verbal cues” in an effort to help individuals live out their disney movie fantasies.  Also, I believe most people engage in “dating” out of a deep seated fear of being and ultimately dying alone.

I stopped dating about 2 years ago today or rather, I started being in a relationship with my ambitions. People who know my story of surprise divorce one month after moving to one of the most expensive cities in the United States of America, might say that I am just being jaded because I have “been hurt” by women, but coronavirus has taught me that I was honestly out there just being a delicious meal for women with daddy issues and superiority complexes.

I know for a fact that I have alway been afraid of being alone.   I was so afraid of being alone that I was willing to put up with the most ridiculous treatment because at least that was better than “being alone”, but after “being alone” for the entirety of the pandemic, I can confirm that holy shit someone is gonna have to be special as hell to invade my space.

During this pandemic I have gone an entire week without a shower or lifting any finger to do any work around my home.  I have watched The Harley Quinn movie like 3 times now and no one is in my ear telling me how weird it is to like harley quinn and that it is impossible that I will find my psychiatric counterpart who is crazy but also licensed and wants to help me take down the mental health industry like a modern day bonnie and clyde.

(Harley if you is out there, you have to have like at least half the followers I do and also be able to fight me in Mortal Kombat)

I have eaten the same foods over and over again, to my delight, and I have spent entire days just sitting listening to music and being what some might call lazy. I wash dishes when I want, I clean when I want,I do whatever the heck it is that I want to do.  I just couldn’t imagine being in a situation where I am so dependent on the relationship with another person, that I change the way I do things in order to make them happy.

Sure people might call this “compromise”, but like I don't want  to be with you if you don’t understand why Birds of Prey: and The Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn

is like one of the best movies about Harley Quinn to come out in ever.  Gah that is another thing, do you remember like going out on dates and pretending to be someone that you aren't?

As a therapist I hate dating for the simple reason that I have to decide whether or not to tell someone I am a therapist.  I am sure white people love that power they feel when they tell someone “I am a therapist” and people get all weird and googly eyed, but there is no faster way to turn a situation from “impending sexual tension” to “oh my god my trauma” than telling someone I am a therapist.

I could also lie about it, but then when I tell you later you feel betrayed. So I either tell you the truth and watch you get self conscious, or lie to you and start our relationship out on a false premise. I am going off on a tangent, my bad.

Bruh dating is so stupid.  Like the things you are supposed to “not talk about'' on dates are the most important things. Like when's the last time you had an STD test? Do you know what your traumas are? What are your political beliefs? Do you want kids?

That is what your conversations are like because you are interviewing someone to be in a relationship with you. Which is so stupid and ass backwards.  Your relationship shouldn't start out the same way most horrible jobs do.

And man, the amount of money I spent on presenting myself as a “man” on dates. I don't even like being a masculine man, I can be, I really can be but that character is so tired and played out.  Like who wants someone who’s entire identity is based on the size of their dick? Oh God and all of the horrible, horrible sex I had while dating.

Look ladies, I am a therapist. I have very good therapeutic relationships with the more than 60% of my caseload who are women. I know men are failing you. I know you go on dates sometimes just to have a quick dick appointment and go about your lives.  I know that you sometimes have decided before that date whether or not you would potentially be having sex with that man. (Taking all precautions as we discuss in my practice and being ready to cut a motherfucker if necessary) and even still you are left with boring...penis in vagina, man flopping on top of you as if he is attempting to flatten the surface beneath you-sex.

It does go both ways. I have faked an orgasm before. Just...just to go ahead and be done with that part of the night. Most of us have NO IDEA what good sex is. In fact, I think I have only had good sex once in my 31 years of existence. Which I am again about to go on a tangent because this idea about soulmates is pretty stupid as well.

Imagine believing that there is one person in the world who will love you no matter what you do, what you say, or how much you change.  That sounds like a recipe for the worst codependent relationship in the world.  Don’t love me for who I am, love me for who I have the potential to be. I guess. I don’t know but the whole premise is so stupid. I think that's all I want to say about that.

I was reading about serial killers the other day and the fact that I haven’t been murdered by one during my time “dating” is insane to me.  I absolutely should have been murdered by a serial killer. I mean I was just out there, going to secluded places, sometimes even their homes and just drinking the drinks and eating the food that they made.  So lost in my desire to “be with someone” that I wasn’t even checking for red flags or I thought those red flags were fireworks.

Anyway, dating is stupid. The best way to “find someone” is to stop damn looking. First off, make sure that you like yourself.  Who wants to date someone who doesn’t want to be with themselves? Secondly, go start doing some shit. Learn a skill. Learn a trade. Figure out how to do a thing. Finally, make a friend. Make a friend that you are not interested in sleeping with right away.

I don’t know...I’ll say more later...sometimes I just need to get things off my chest. Like how wonderful Harley Quinn is.