Lunar Phases Earworm 1

These are funny little snippets Engineer4Ever and I exchanged, one-off ideas for moments or events within Lunar Phases that won't ever actually occur in canon. One such topic is a non-linear venture across the greater Multiverse. Sometimes they're in other Anime worlds, sometimes they head to famous book-turned-movie franchises...

It's all for Shizz and Giggles, folks. Enjoy, as we start...In Medias Res!

—

Two figures slammed down into a small clearing in a wooded area.

"I hate whoever is doing this bullshit to us. So much. So, so much.” Thalia groaned as she sat up. She couldn’t even remember what she was doing before she woke up. Maybe interrogating a cop?

“Uh, Tree Girl? We have a problem.”

“Whiskers wha—?“ Thalia turned to look at her boyfriend, only to meet the glare of a familiar freckled face. A shorter, familiar freckled face complete with many of the scars and even the slight crook in her nose she got in a spar with the six-year-old Annabeth. Granted, the silver tiara was a new addition.

“Who are you?” The other Thalia—Younger? Hunter? …Lieutenant Thalia, yeah. That had a nice ring to it. — Lt. Thalia and her hunters pointed their arrows at them. “And how did you find our camp?”

“Why don’t you put those arrows down before you poke someone’s eye out, Runt?” Thalia glared back. Sass, she respected. Orders from a brat that ran away from her responsibilities and friends? Not so much. ...What? Thalia got introspective sometimes it happened when you were growing up in the middle of a war.

“I will riddle you with holes, you wannabe Barbie.”

"Excuse you?" Thalia scowled at her shorter self, put her hands on her hips and...she just understood why that particular insult was given. Cool.

Whiskers started chuckling. Then he barked out a few laughs, belly laughing as he held his head.

“Oh-oh my gods! You have the enchantment! Holy $#*% !” He wheezed. And yeah, thinking about it, that was hilarious. 

“Don’t tempt me to let some of the girls fall back on bad habits, dude!”

“Hey, shortstop, rule one? Don’t threaten my boyfriend.” Thalia warned as her eyes started to spark. A silence fell over the camp as Whiskers started to pull himself together from his lapse of lunacy.

“…Thalia, I think we should maybe go get Lady Artemis.” One of the Hunters, Penelope? Devon? ...Okay, Thalia didn’t really know any of them aside from Phoebe, Zoë and Bianca. Come to think of it, why wasn't Bianca the Lieutenant? What, did she and this Thalia come to blows for it? ...Or...Hm, Thalia didn't want to think about this anymore.

“Y-yeah.” The Lieutenant stammered. She shook it off and pointed at two of the girls. “Reyna, Danielle, you two keep eyes on them. Phoebe, with me.”

They watched her walk away, before Thalia looked at Whiskers. 

“So, what triggered the laughing fit?”

“I’m a little sleep deprived. Unlike someone else, I didn’t get to nap through The Baby Shark Torture Technique.”

“...That wasn’t a dream?” Thalia blinked. Whiskers shook his head.

“…Did he just say Baby Shark Torture Technique?” A Hunter , Danielle, ‘whispered’ oh so poorly.

“Don’t worry about it now, Danielle.” The other, Reyna, gave a stern rebuff and adjusted her hold on her bow that was still aimed at them. "Let's just keep our eyes on them and start to pack up before Apollo finds us–"

As if on cue, the sun exploded over the horizon and a familiar God of the Sun stood before them.

“Yes! Multiverse theory kicks all of the asses! So glad I upgraded my provider last spring.” Apollo grinned at them. “Sup, Thalia Grace! Is it cool if I hug you?”

“…I’m going to go with no. A vehement 'Hell No,' actually.” Thalia glared at the wannabe playboy. Yeah, sure he was hot, but she knew what Apollo was like a little better now.

“…” A growl started to rumble in the chest of her lover. Apollo glanced at him and then did a double take. He grinned and leaned back on a foot as he brushed his hair back.

"Hey there, sexy. You with her or are you up for some fun?"

And like that, Whiskers's growling stopped and he went pale. He staggered as if struck and Thalia had to catch him when his legs looked like they were going to give out. If she weren’t as disturbed as he was by the god's comment, she’d probably be dying of laughter.

“Are you okay, Whiskers?”

“Gonna hurl.” He whimpered. She helped him turn around to a bush and looked away as he got sick.

“…Rude! Could’ve just said not interested!” Apollo scoffed.

“You practically raised him, you ass.” Thalia deadpanned. “How would you feel if Zeus put the moves on you?”

“…huughugh...” Apollo clapped a hand over his mouth. “Oh my me… I know what it’s like to be disgusted at the thought of sex now. How do I forget it?”

“Apollo, how many times have I told you to leave my hunters…alone…” And there she was, Thalia’s boyfriend's mother. Of another dimension. Artemis stared at her and then looked at the younger Thalia. “It is not a mimic or illusion, she is you from another dimension.”

“…I’m gonna need details on that, Lady Artemis…” her Lieutenant muttered.

“First, we must deal with their interloping.” Artemis huffed and glared at Whiskers which, okay, um, no.

“Hey, back off!” Thalia warned and let sparks grow in her eyes.

“It’s fine, Tree Girl.” Whiskers wiped the back of his mouth and straightened up to meet Artemis’ gaze. He squared his shoulders and forced back any sign of ailment he might have had on display. “I can handle my mother's anger.”

A silence fell over the clearing. Hunters looked between Naruto and Artemis. Naturally, it would be the loudest person here who would break the silence.

“…I want to be in that world! Artemis had a kid! I’m an uncle!” Apollo cheered. He froze and then blanched, literally gaining a sickly pale hue to his skin and hair color. “Oh, gross, I just solicited my nephew for sex.”

“You are—You did WHAT?” Artemis hissed, luminous eyes locked on her twin. Naruto crossed his arms and shared a knowing look with Thalia as the Goddess of the Moon began to bicker with her twin.

This was bound to take a while.

--

“…And so now we’re being flung around the multiverse.” Thalia finished up their tale from where she sat, backed up into Whiskers’ chest while he held her in a gentle embrace on their side of the campfire. The Hunters looked disgusted at them for their closeness, sans a curious few, the and Lieutenant kept looking between them and her feet. Thalia ignored it, and leaned her head back to rest on Whiskers’ shoulder. “As soon as I meet the fucker that’s doing this to us, their ass is so getting blasted to oblivion.”

“Preach, Tree Girl.” Whiskers chuckled. He met Artemis’ gaze. “So, what do you have to say?”

“…You may rest here for the night, but you will leave in the morning.” Artemis instructed. Whiskers nodded and Thalia scoffed.

“Typical.”

“Is there a problem?” Artemis asked.

“Yeah, but you don’t see it with your tunnel vision.”

“…Tree Girl, why?” Whiskers sighed and rested his head against the back of hers.

“Because this one has no connection to you, or me, and I can tell her how i feel. If she’s any real sort of god, she won’t care of the opinion of one person.” Thalia stared the goddess down.

“…Oh, no…” Apollo whispered. He looked between Thalia and Artemis. Then he stared at his sister. “Don’t. Don’t do it. Do not engage.”

“Do you have something you wish to say?” Artemis asked, eyes narrowing.

“Dang it, Artemis!”

“A lot, actually.” Thalia leaned forward. “I think you acted too rashly when you made your oath. I think your decision was clouded by fear. Of being controlled. Of being used. Understandable, but fear all the same. I think you prey upon these same fears, maybe not intentionally, but you do. And I don’t think keeping your Hunters in hormonal limbo and teaching them to be toxic toward boys is healthy.”

“…Christ, Thalia, do you want us to die?” Whiskers muttered. It wasn’t the first time he heard all of that, they’ve had talks about subjects like that before. Okay, they toed the line of arguments, but it never went too far. Or if it did, it ended with a much more passionate 'make up' night.

“Why?” Thalia kept her gaze on the seemingly impassive Artemis. “It’s just my opinion.”

"And it is wrong.” Artemis narrowed her gaze.

“Maybe.” Thalia leaned back and snuggled into Whiskers' arms. “I just wanted to get that off of my chest.”

“…Balls of Celestial Bronze…” Apollo mumbled. He flinched when Artemis glared at him. “What, Lil Sis? She's got 'em!”

“Crass buffoon.” Artemis huffed before she glared back at Thalia. “Your words do me insult-“

“Bullllllll shit.” Thalia scoffed. “I was stating my opinion, I even told you beforehand that you might not like it. That's not an insult. An insult is calling you a shit mother, and given who my mother was, I would know.”

“...Father's beard...” Apollo gaped at her while many of the Hunters, including the Lieutenant, snapped glares at her. Whatever, she didn't care about their opinions.

“I hate you, Thalia. I hate you so much.” Whiskers sighed and hung his head. Thalia scoffed, leaned her head back and planted a kiss on his cheek.

“No you don’t, Whiskers.”

“Given that I am not a mother-“

“Hear that Hunters? Artemis is not your mother.” Thalia smirked. This was doing wonders for her pent up irritation aimed at the goddess.

“…That, is insult.”

“Yeah, probably.” Thalia shrugged. She felt the familiar tug of warm energy wrap around her before a log replaced the space she and Whiskers once occupied. Whiskers was already storming away from the camp, pulling her with him. “Whiskers, wha—?”

“The Hunt might have doubts now, but they’re still her handmaidens and extremely loyal bodyguards, Thalia!”  He snapped over his shoulder.

“…Oops?” Thalia winced when Whiskers barely spared her a harsh glare. She messed up. He was pissed and rightfully so.

“We’ll be fuckin' lucky they don’t see us as enemies. Fat chance of these Letoides helping us now.” Whiskers grumbled. Thalia frowned.

“We don’t need their he—“

“I want to go home, Thalia!” Whiskers snapped and rounded on her. “I’m just as sick of this as you are! This is the closest we’ve gotten, and now our shot at getting a hearing from Olympus is gone!”

“Then ask your other friends!”

“For the last time, Khonsu is stuck in the Du’at —“

“I meant the ones in Boston, Whiskers!”

“Oh, yeah, let’s just hitchhike to Boston, I’m sure we could get in the hotel without an invite.” Why was he being so contrarian? Thalia was offering good ideas! “Before we could do that I have to think of a way to keep them from cutting my fucking arm off!”

Right. The Runes. The Norse were particular about who knew how to use them and their head honcho was just as secretive and untrusting as Zeus was. Or so Whiskers said anyway.

A long silent walk followed after Whiskers had shot down going to Boston. Thalia asked about getting in contact with Khonsu and he just glared at her. It took about five minutes into their silence did the reason for that strike: He’d already told her, but she spoke up over him. Again.

Did I hit my head or something? Thalia frowned. She was usually more controlled, and Whiskers usually had a better grasp on his temper…Wait. Shit.

“Whiskers?”

“What.”

Oh, he’s super pissed. Thalia hadn’t seen him this mad since…well, not in a long time. She had to word this carefully.

“Genuinely concerned. When’s…when’s the last time you took your-?”

“Whenever the fuck it was we were last home.”

Yep. That could be weeks or months at this point. Fuck. Thalia really, really screwed up.

“…I’m sorry…” she muttered. Whiskers grunted, which could have been worse. He could have ignored her outright.

Another long silence passed and they trudged through the wood. Thalia almost fell over when Whiskers came to an abrupt stop. Before she could ask why, he’d pulled her into a tight hug.

“I’m sorry, too.” The words came out in a huff. His body trembled. Thalia hugged him back. She felt him press his face into her hair and heard the ‘scenting’ sniff (which, was a little weird, but she’d grown used to it at this point). When he stopped he spoke again. “Head splitting. Fox running damage control. Everything’s a fucking spiral. I just wanna go home.”

“Okay.” Thalia tightened her hug, pushed a few gentle sparks into his tense body to help it loosen up, and nuzzled against his head. “Okay. We’ll figure it out. I’m sorry, Naruto.”

Whiskers took one more deep scent ing sniff before he pulled away and kissed her lips. When that broke, she stared up at the fragile smile.

“Love you, Tree Girl.”

“Love you too, you sap.” She pulled him down to peck his cheek again before she pushed him back. “Let’s find somewhere to camp for the night.”

“…Camp?” Whiskers stared at her, a new light in his eyes. She stared back before it hit her.

“You don’t think-?”

“Not our dimension. Maybe I can get in?”

“If not, we could always find Annie! She could get in contact with Olympus-“

“Who could contact our Olympus-“

“And we could go home!” Thalia grinned. Whiskers grinned back at her and they embraced again with newfound enthusiasm. When this one broke, Whiskers cupped her face.

“You…are brilliant, Thalia Grace.”

“Yeah, I have my moments.”

“So humble, too.”

“Shut up.”

—

“…That’s a UPS truck.” Thalia noted as they came across a break in the foliage to modern civilization. Sure enough, a parked UPS carrier was sitting in the middle of the road just across the clearing.

“…Not UPS…” Whiskers frowned. His eyes narrowed. “Smells like…turtles?”

“…not of the teenage mutant variety, right?”

“Funny.” Whiskers snorted. He brushed his arm against hers before he strode forward with purpose. Thalia followed, if only to keep him from losing his temper. She still remembered the ‘break-in’ assault. An arm’s length away from the door, it slid open and a spry man wearing the signature brown uniform of the company grinned at them.

“Hello there, Thalia Grace! And you, young…uhh…”

“Nathan Blank.”

“…I can tell you’re lying, but it’s a technicality…” the worker tilted his head. “Legal name?”

“Yep.”

“Given name?”

“Naruto.”

“…What, like the manga?”

“The what?” Whiskers blinked.

“You don’t read it? Oh, it’s great. It’s stupid simple and fun. Huge cult following and even has a couple of movies.” The UPS worker said before he shook his head. “Sorry, Mercury was going on a tangent. Happens sometimes. Result of unifying the Camps.”

“…Wow, we’re in the future-Wait, Camps?” Thalia frowned.

“…Fuuuuuuuuck-No, I’ll just blame Mercury, and he can blame me. Problem solved.” The worker nodded. He grinned a familiar grin and Thalia tensed. “Pleased to meet you once more, Thalia. You grew up very pretty; Luke must not have existed in your world.”

“…Sure…” Ho-Lee shit. Does that mean what Thalia thinks it does? Wow, she dodged a SERIOUS bullet hitching up with Whiskers.

“Lord Hermes,” her boyfriend in question said, bowing his head. “I know it’s frowned upon, but…could you give us a ride to Camp Half-Blood?”

“Nah, orders from up top.” Well, damn. Looks like they’re hoofing it. “You’re going right to the mountain.”

Or not.

“How are you feeling?” Thalia asked, glancing at her boyfriend as they were escorted to the Olympian chambers. Hermes ditched as soon as his chariot touched down at the ‘designated delivery parking zone’. 

“Pretty much the same,” Whiskers huffed. He rubbed his head and closed his eyes. “Daughter of a bastard…”

“I mean, I’m right here. You could just address me—“

“You’re hilarious.” Whiskers deadpanned, which only made Thalia snigger harder.

“This way.” The minor god, Thalia never caught his name, that led them to the chambers gestured. She could swear she’d seen him before, though. Friendly enough, able to enjoy the quiet of the walk. 

Entering the council chambers was nostalgic. Bessie’s tank sat close to Zeus’ Throne, well within his eyesight. Paranoid old fart.

“Presenting to the Council of Olympus, one Thalia Grace…and Guest.” Their escort introduced. Whiskers arched a brow and the god winked at him. Thalia scowled at the bastard while Whiskers stared until the God shifted uncomfortably.

“That will be all, Zagerus.” Zeus waved him off. The god bowed and left without another word. No sooner had the door shut did Zeus glance at his wife. “He seemed a bit too informal there. Why did I let him work here, again?”

“Fairly certain that you thought him quite witty.” Hera mused.

“It also crinkled Hades’ robes.” Poseidon added.

“Ah, yes.” Zeus nodded. He looked down at them and focused on her. “Thalia Grace…Where did you come from?”

Well, with a blank slate like that...

“Tree Girl.” Whiskers warned lowly, reminding her why she was actually on her best behavior.

“Beg pardon, Mortal?”

“Nothing, Lord Zeus. Just a nickname.” Whiskers admitted. Zeus’ brow rose up and Thalia felt a familiar probing in her head.

“Hey.” Her gaze darted to the androgynous Aphrodite. Wow, she sure made Whiskers look really good as a girl. And Thalia just learned a few things about herself today, cool. Nevertheless, she pressed on with her warning. “I already have one of you bothering me when I least desire it. Stay out.”

“Oh, really?” And now she was more interested. Wonderful.

“Aphrodite, do not intrude on demigods’ minds. Remember what happened to Di Vinci.” Athena warned.

“Oh, he was such a bore.” Aphrodite sighed.

“If we could return to the topic at hand?” Hera intruded and yeesh, that was a hateful glare. Thalia should let Whiskers do the talking…but, right. The pseudo-werewolf curse was influencing him. Ugh, how was she supposed to explain their situation–? Oh, wait. That's an idea.

“Long story short: We’ve been cursed. I think?” Thalia shrugged. “I don't know how it happened, but my boyfriend and I-"

“Boyfriend?!” Oh, great, that's going to get annoying.

“Aphrodite, please control yourself.” Athena sighed while Artemis screwed her face in disgust. Well, screw her, too.

--

And that's the end of that bit of snippet.