Ray's Place: Liquor, Lotion, and Love

Dear Ray, How can we face the inevitable decay of our bodies through the slow acidic river of time while still finding meaning? Can Marijuana help? Tom P.

Dear Tom P, 

Lotion, doggie! Guys, lotion is the main life hack of our time. Couple years ago I rubbed a blob of SPF 50 on my nose and my pinna and I guess they looked all fresh and healthy ’cause Brittni at the gym was all, “Ray you look ten years younger!” 

Oh, I should clarify for you non-cats that pinna is not slang for the gravity-jazzle (which is probably getting plenty of lotion already, right Tom P?). It’s the inner part of a cat’s ear. Burns hella easy if you ain’t classin’ the chassle (chassis + castle, kind of a new word I made up, since your body is both).

Class the chassle, not just the jazzle, Tom P,

-=RAYMONDE=-

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Ray, what is love? — Sarah.

Sarah, 

I been real into hardcore mind-dimension podcasts lately, like where they aren’t afraid to question anything. (I guess this kind of borders on philosophy.) This one dude said that love was nothing more than chemical processes trained by experience and instinct, and I was like oh hell yes of course. But then the next day I was like, “screw that man who nerds away the most powerful force in life—he is just a coward! He is a dude who listens to Janis Joplin by looking at inkjet printouts of the MP3 waves and making an equation about the high parts; this dude is a leaky glass jar of warm beans in a warm pond in direct sunlight.” It was a long thought, but I wrote it all down at the time, maybe kind of as a mantra against that man and his shiddle-britches attitude on Our Graceful Mystery. 

-=HAWKRAY=-

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Ray, how can I go about creating a signature cocktail that embodies me as a person? What physical and mental traits should I take into consideration and how can I match those up with liquids? —Mitch 

Mitch, 

I accidentally got this Carlos Castaneda audiobook a couple years ago when I was tryin’ to buy some fun little castanets on Amazon. You know him? All describin’ peyote experiences in mystical ways that make you realize drugs are the most important part of life. Anyhow, there’s this one part where the mentor makes the student find the one spot in this empty room where he feels truly balanced. It takes the student guy like all night, and he has a really lame time, but when he actually finds the spot the guy was talking about he gets so turnt that another dimension of himself opens. 

What I want you to do is place a shot of each of the main liquors on a counter, and then stand ten feet away from them. Look at each of them from left to right, then right to left, then in random order, spending about one second letting your eyes settle on each. Breathe evenly — that is really important. Now close your eyes and ask your shadow self — without thinking the words of the question, of course — where you should go. A warm orange glow will appear in the blackness of the back of your eyelids; walk toward that until it is directly in front of you. (You won’t bump into the counter, don’t worry. This is a magical process.) Open your eyes. That is your spirit-liquor. Adorn her with three parts mixer and a dash of bitters, then let her teach you what she thinks you should know. 

Incidentally, if you want to know which one is your enemy-liquor, it is Marshmallow Burnett’s Vodka ($8/liter). She will make a fool of you from the moment you let her into your home. 

-=Mr. Ray-Ray=-

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Confidential to Jilly93: Like with most guys, I thought I would like the banjo more than I did. Good luck.