"This World & The Next" [Art]

[Contains Nudity]

[Tobacco References in Story]

"I never thought I could be divine...

"That might sound strange, but that thought comes less from a lack of desire, and more from a lack of self-esteem. When I began my academic journey years ago, I was quite different to who I am now. I was known as Winston, a name that I no longer use, but will forever respect as a stepping stone to who I was meant to be.

"I was born as another gender, you see, and over the years I had learned to play the part. I was a good little brother, and I certainly behaved myself as I grew into my teenage years. My parents...weren't really around much. I will forever be grateful to Cassandra for helping me grow into the empathetic, thoughtful person I am today. Goodness knows that, in many ways, I likely wouldn't even be here without her.

"As I grew into a teen, there was a sense of...wrongness. I didn't understand it as a sense of gender dysphoria at the time, more just a portion of myself that I just...couldn't understand yet. This hole, this unexplored portion of my heart ate at me for years, leading me to grow disconnected with my body as a whole. I just...was. I wasn't depressed, per se, but I sure wasn't happy. My parents, again, were little help in guiding me through these feelings, with their attitude turning sour when I didn't meet their expectations as a son.

"I just...didn't understand. I didn't understand myself, who I was meant to be, or what I needed to do to feel...whole again.

"That's when she visited me.

"It had been a rough emotional night. While I smoked during my teenage years, I had nearly quite by the time I began teaching, with difficult nights like these my only exception to indulgence. Striking a match on the railing of my balcony, I tried to understand why I felt so...wrong. I had been a professor for a while, my students seemed to love me, and I had a wonderful job! For all intents & purposes, I should feel happy...but there was something missing. What could it be? Why didn't I feel right in my own skin? Why do I feel so...stuck?

"I was so lost in thought, I didn't notice how my cigarette was billowing blue smoke, instead of the more customary ashy grey. As I filled my lungs, my mind began to soften, just a little. This hidden part of me felt like a callous, like the hard wood of a chest concealing some treasure within. In a moment of epiphany, in a moment of truth, this shell split just a little...and she emerged.

"She was beautiful. An amorphous form, pale blue and white, appeared before me in a flash of light. I nearly fell backwards in surprise, my paws clutching the railing as I attempted to hold myself steady. She floated there for a moment, coalescing into a roughly humanoid form - the stature and heavy curves imitating that of a polar bear - before she spoke.

"It...sounded like my voice. In fact, it was my voice, but it sounded as if it had been trained into a more feminine register. The voice felt like it was coming from within my mind and all around me at the same time, speaking a sentence I will never forget:

"'I love you, little bear...and I believe, in time, you will love yourself as much as I do.'

"The voice...it was so familiar, like I had heard it behind a door for my entire life before hearing it unobstructed. The comfort it brought melted through my body, a moment that had left me tense soon leading to a more relaxed state of excitement.

"We spoke together for a time. I had many questions as to who or what it was, but all it would tell me was that, in a way, it was me. I had felt so wrong, because I was never meant to be...this. I wasn't my body, I wasn't the expectations of my parents, I wasn't the societal role I had always been forced into...I could be something else. Right when that thought crossed my mind, she laughed - a bright, musical laugh - before asking,

"'If you could be anything...what would you be?'

"I thought back. Years of broken feelings & mismatched desires fell into place. I disliked my body because I felt trapped in it. I never felt engaged in my own life, because I had always been told what to be & what to do. This one moment, this one question, snapped these barriers in my mind.

"'I...I can choose...?' I had asked, tears welling in my eyes.

"'Of course, little bear...' she had replied. While she bore no defined face, I could hear the smile in her words, 'who will you be, my dear?'

"I thought for what felt both like aeons & mere seconds, only to come to the one answer that felt right. The kindness in her voice, the grace of her form, the intelligence she bore with her words...

"'You.' I had said, a breathy whisper, 'I want to be...you.'

"'Me?' She said, her smile sounding ever larger, 'But my dear...you already are~'

"She drifted ever closer to me, her words filling my mind as she approached,

"'Give unto yourself, little bear, the joy of self-creation. May you see yourself as a canvas, and trust your heart to wield the brush of discovery.

"'Give unto yourself the patience of self-determination, that you may be willing to make mistakes, learn, and grow in your journey.

"'And finally...' she paused, a face finally forming on her head, icey blue eyes - MY eyes - gazing into mine intently, 'give these gifts unto others, that they may know the joy of the self as you have. Teach them, that they deserve to be their true self.'

"In that moment, her paw pressed against my chest, and I fell into a deep, dreamless sleep...

•

"When I awoke in my bed, I immediately knew something was different. Not wrong, not bad, just...different. I was larger, both height- & weight-wise, and my formerly creamy fur was the palest shade of blue I had ever seen. My sleepy brain snapped wide awake at that realization, the memory of (what I had originally thought was) last night's dream pulling into focus. I looked down, and my eyes grew wide. I had always been a rather, ah, generously proportioned bear, but the curves I saw below me were beyond voluptuous. I stumbled up, head scraping the ceiling of my now small room, then fell flat on my ass, my paws desperately moving to cover myself.

"My mind raced, my body shivered, and I wasn't sure what to think about my new form... except, of course, that it felt amazing. I managed to make my way over to a mirror, where I met my eyes - my real eyes - for the first time. My icey blue gaze moved around my reflection, taking in the sight of my new fur, the blue-tinged curves that now weighed so heavily on my body. My paws - bearing blue claws! - stroked over these new additions, my fingertips tingling when they slid through such a fresh pelt.

"After a few moments of gazing into the mirror, I realized that I didn't dislike what I saw. Before, I detested mirrors for anything other than function. I wasn't happy with what I saw there, in my old life...but this...

"That thought fully solidified my identity, washed away the barrier that had kept me from being the REAL me. I knew who I was meant to be - and I felt as if I could actually explore what 'being me' meant. I wasn't trapped anymore... I was finally able to choose for myself.

"My first choice, of course, being my name.

"'Winston' didn't fit anymore, and thought I spent a moment shuffling through names I had seen in countless pieces of literature, I knew there was really only one name for me.

"Looking again into the mirror, I saw...me. A new start, a blank canvas, a whole heap of new possibilities.

"'It's nice to meet you, Bailey.' I said to myself, and smiled.

---

A little 'origin' style write up for Bailey, the character! While most of her life is fiction, there's a good bit of my actual story mixed in, and I'm sure I'll find more ways to flesh her out in the future. Feel free to leave any additional questions below, and I'll be more than happy to answer them <)

---

Thank you all again for your incredible support!