How Parents React to Their Adult Children Going No Contact
Added 2024-09-30 21:07:35 +0000 UTC
Comments
Toxic Families post #7. . While waiting for someone, anyone to notice and maybe respond to my comments, I do my due diligence and research this subject of toxic families and “no contact”. . What I landed on at this time was conversion therapy. Amir has been through it but hasn’t revealed that much. I looked into it and what I saw described were people that were sadistic, perverted and greedy. . One head of a well known conversion group was in fact gay himself. Because of this, he knew his “market” and how to exploit them. These aren’t genuine caring Christians out to heal; these are scam artists who troll for vulnerable people. You have to be careful with churches. Most of them are very sick. . They start with an introductory fee and upsell upsell upsell. The ones who started out early raked in the most bucks while the public was still ignorant. Fearful families are an excellent niche market. None had any valid education and NONE HAD ANY UNDERSTANDING OF WHO GOD IS!! They revealed no Biblical knowledge but actually ignored the obvious in order to rip people off. They had to be violating their own consciences. . If you think about it, we are a niche market. It’s up to Amir to provide content in order to keep the money flowing. We assess how long to be subscribers by how attentive he is to us. I notice that he doesn’t really tap into the talent and contributions here and he should repair that. . Back to aversion/conversion “therapy”. None of the examples I found were even logical. Every strategy that was used by the leaders of these classes were obviously destructive. Then everybody I found that called themselves conversion therapy survivors only had the darkest and most perverted view of Christian sexuality. . It was bizarre to think anyone could put any faith in the tactics of those I researched. Just Google YouTube and conversion therapy and you can see what I mean. . Let’s say you were addicted to sex, thought it was unhealthy and wanted to get free. If you went to that style of class, you would fail and believe that you were born promiscuous and had no choice in the matter. . The sex drive is incredibly strong and stressful. It’s chemical as well as socially dynamic. In order for me to control myself until I met the woman I married, I chose celibacy. I didn’t need a seminar to figure that out. If you’re fat, eat right and exercise. . The conversion classes brought out every deviant desire imaginable pretending it wasn’t part of their marketing strategy. It was to keep their victims dependent. The leadership of the churches had to know what was going on. . My opinion? Sexual contact is a choice. Some inclinations come easier than others but I guarantee anybody could have sex with anybody or anything if the conditions are right. There is no one born one way or the other; unless some people were born public toe suckers... or any of a myriad of fetishes. Think about pornography and how after a while what was viewed at first isn’t kinky enough. It has to get more graphic to be satisfying. Eventually it becomes shameful even to the participant, much less society.. These are the things that start out as choices and end up as addictions. Picture your whole life timeline like that. . No one starts off gay or heterosexual or bi or pan or pedophile or anything. We become what we choose. Well, unless you believe in a God that built you to desire Him and be pure. In that case you would feel a sense of dissatisfaction until you found the right combination. But the good news is that then you wouldn’t be impacted by anyone else’s opinions. If it’s a faithful marriage, it’s a faithful marriage. If it’s gay or straight, or promiscuity, so be it. Your conscience would be clear. I just can’t relate to being my own god. I need an authority smarter than me. . If think you are born certain ways, you might as well say people are born murderers, gluttonous, violent, greedy, materialistic, envious, prideful, lazy, narcissistic etc... which they are, but each of us have to defeat these birth defects with our free will. We aren’t animals, we don’t operate on instinct. We are part of the moral government of God. This simply means that we are free to be our own god unless we submit to what we would understand as a higher power. . Now, Amir has made the recommendation of Joe Dispenza as an expert. Basically it’s a repackaging of an old ideology. It’s secular humanism and existentialism looking for a new market. He teaches how you can become your own god. That would be a good topic for Amir to explore.. I think he's scary. Don't buy his books, look him up on YouTube. . And all these thoughts are without quoting the Bible. Think on them on your own and comment if you wish. I'm trying to be relatable. I try to check this string of comments every day. I’d say free of charge but you’re paying Amir.
Tracy
2024-11-21 05:46:38 +0000 UTCAnother facet of this issue is, “I didn’t ask to be born. You are obligated to feed and clothe me.” “I didn’t ask to be born” sounds like a junior high kid arguing with his parents because he doesn’t want to do chores. . I don’t understand this. Is it expressing that one wishes to never have been born? No one has chosen to be born and creating children is a powerful drive. . Again, (from comment below), unless the parents are addicts, alcoholics, domestic abusers, violent, criminal, mentally ill or sociopaths, then there is something there to reason with. Restraining orders can be effective and it would prove who is in the wrong. . If they are not these things, I seriously doubt that they parented only to clothe and feed their offspring. In our case, my wife and I taught our kids to read before they went to school. We took them to theme parks, taught them games and strategy, how to play tennis, be creative, problem solve, be independent, etc... with the hope that we would be close our whole lives. . To the best of my understanding, it was the influence of the BLM movement and the LGBTQIA+ community that took my younger son off of this trajectory. Both ideologies are based in exclusion and secrecy. . In order to live, it was a crap shoot. No one gets to decide who is going to be brought forth at birth. Parents don’t choose who they get just like children don’t choose to be born. Parents didn’t choose to be born. . If there is an infinite, eternal and uncreated creator; then it would be helpful to be able to trust Him. He would have to be benevolent, omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent, blameless and pure. If this is true, then we can trust that life’s hardships are for our betterment. If God is evil, then game over. Same if there is no God. . All hardships have the potential of helping us including who our families are. . My life is hard. I’m on the ninth, actually tenth year of my wife’s dementia. I’ve changed thousands of her diapers with no help or respite of any kind. No vacations and no days off. My family (and hers) have never asked me what she’s going through; or what I’m going through for that matter. They’ve never asked if they can help other than give me advice. The advice wasn’t based on any understanding of the situation and they don’t ask questions. . One of my wife’s last understandings was that our families have chosen to abandon us. . But I love life and feel privileged to experience it. There is no pain I can imagine that would make it to where I wouldn’t want to ever have lived. . If I didn’t have a terrible family, I wouldn’t be who I am. If I didn’t have abusive brothers, I wouldn’t understand evil the way I do. . And when I can defeat evildoers, and make them go to their hidey holes, I’m even more grateful for life. To me, hell would be never having been born. That’s why hell, to the best of my understanding, is being without the presence of God. Everyone can choose to be in the presence of God, whether they know what His name is or not. It’s just easier and more fulfilling if you know His name. . If people go no contact because of religious conflict, well then that would be sad. I think unless for reasons stated, “no contact” is rooted in lack of experience or mental illness.
Tracy
2024-11-20 03:34:22 +0000 UTCI changed my mind. . I watched that video of the mother who flew to see her daughter and left the note on her porch again. I’m sorry but I need to know what the mother did in order to have any sympathy for a daughter who is too fragile to see her mother and tell her face to face to stay away. . The only things we know for sure is that the mother was willing to spend the time and money to connect, and the daughter lacked the courage to tell the mother anything face to face. . I guess this explains the need for safe spaces in universities when objectionable people come to their campuses. They don’t have the strength and stamina to be in the presence of alternative beliefs. Unless the mother brandished a knife, then I say I want to see a doctor’s note that outlines some extreme potential for psychological breakdown should they come within feet of each other. . Please somebody tell me what a boundary violation looks like. If they are being assaulted, call the police; file a complaint. Get a restraining order. Then if the boundary is violated, there is recourse, and the family knows you mean business. . Should the mother have known that the things she did were so heartless, so horrifying that her daughter would not be moved an inch by her efforts? I’d have to know how evil the mother’s actions were. My advice? Daughter, grow a backbone. . The mother spent hundreds, if not thousands of dollars with no assurance that her daughter would speak to her. The daughter hadn't updated the mother as to the status of the no contact for years, and the mother still cared for the daughter. Shouldn't there be some limits to the cruelty of no contact? Even the incarcerated have cruel and unusual punishment restrictions. Is it fun to cut people out of one's life? I assert that no contact is cruel, unless what is being left out of the discussion is significant and I have no way of knowing what those issues are. I didn't have fun doing it and we returned as soon as we could. . Of the two people, the mother seems more sincere in her desire to make things right, and the daughter is the one making zero effort. But again, maybe the mother did some boundary violating thing that I can’t imagine what it could be, because no one will talk about them. If the daughter is in the wrong, I can see why she wouldn’t want contact. She feels guilty. This way she doesn't have to do "the work". . The least the daughter could do would be to make a list of questions and issues for the mother to answer and address. Then there is no mystery. My go to requirement with my family is put it in writing. This way there is no misunderstanding. Putting conflicts in writing strikes fear in my family’s hearts. . I have the texts at the moment when my son went no contact. It’s in writing. 35 years and in a few texts all of my love and work is down the drain. My son tried to say that I was impacting his brain and emotions. I told him I would back off because I couldn't take responsibility for damaging him psychologically. Then he wrote back to say it wasn't like that which led me to believe the appeals to feelings and emotions are manipulation tactics. He didn't want to be seen as weak, he just didn't enjoy the challenge of having to defend his decisions. He doesn't want to answer questions, but he doesn't want to be in the wrong. I wouldn't mind being in the wrong; in fact, it would be a relief. . In another video a parent was mocked for asking how to apologize for not doing anything wrong. I want to know what I did wrong! Do I deserve to be mocked? . I know that some families have addicts, alcoholics, molesters, criminals, violent actors... Is that what we’re talking about? I missed it. It looked like the issues were moral disagreements. It’s too vague. . After my family caused real physical trauma to my wife and she recovered, we returned to my family. Then we turned the tables and now my brothers are the snowflakes. They are the no contact quivering bowls of Jello. When we were no contact, we had the doctor's note. He thought she had a brain tumor. . The daughter is either weak, a control freak or not imaginative enough to prepare a statement and keep copying and pasting it to her mother until the mother answers.
Tracy
2024-11-19 03:00:15 +0000 UTCThis is my fourth post on this video. I'll take a break and wait. Maybe if a friend of his sees this they can let him know. I’ve been encouraged to comment but I don’t know if they are being read. At $17 a month I would think Amir would check back on the comments. I have even PM'd him with no response. . Or this can become my own private corner of this site. So anyway, the more I watch the videos, the more my opinions change. I’ve seen disrespect for boomers here. Boomers can be competent and have empathy and compassion. . 1) There is no way you can comment definitively on people’s videos without back and forth conversation. . 2) Without knowing the facts, sides are being taken. On this site, there is the temptation to side with the person going no contact. . 3) Are gay people less likely to be secretive, manipulative or to gaslight parents than the other way around? . 4) Is it not possible that parents are concerned about their children’s welfare and morals? . 5.)When boomers were younger, the gay community simply asked to be able to visit their loved ones in the hospital. Now they demand acceptance of their lifestyle and want to sexualize children and put them on medication for life. Things have snowballed. . 6) I have not read anywhere the other concerns that parents could have. For instance, could parents be concerned that their children are promoting and enabling things like: bisexuality, promiscuity, drag queens and grooming, incest, furries, orgies, transsexuals, forcing pronouns, sexualizing children, pornography in elementary schools, men competing against women, men exposing themselves in locker rooms, pride parade debauchery, sadomasochism, kinks/fetishes, prostitution, pedophilia, porn, consenting adults passing on diseases, child drag queens, gender confusion, puberty blockers and surgeries for more more, websites for one night stands, open marriages and the impact on their children, drug use, PTSD/bipolar/depression/mental illnesses, profanity, tattoos/piercings/hair coloring, cults, music, obsessives, Tarot/divination, ... and, how do I ask my son about, anal sex without being graphic? . 7) The same parents are concerned about the same behaviors when it comes to heterosexuality. . 8) While there is such a thing as consent, what about REGRET? Do girls enjoy being called skanks and sluts after multiple partners? Do young men kill themselves after regret sink’s in? . 9) I do not know what boundaries are, much less how somebody violates them. There have been no examples. Where does one draw the line? . 10) If a boundary is that you can’t use graphic language when talking about LGBQTIA+ issues, that is an impossible boundary. 11) The parent in that phony dialogue video was mentally ill. If his arguments were accurately portrayed, then the son was taunting and torturing a mentally ill parent. 12) If parents are given the boundary that they can’t discuss the things that they are concerned about, then all they are left with is worry, rejection and abandonment. . 13) Parents don’t automatically think they are bad. You’d have to prove it to them. How do you prove it to them by doing a bad thing like going no contact? The no contact person is the one taunting. They are the torturers. The parent is off the hook. They have no options. . 14) You show someone dignity by answering their questions and addressing their issues.
Tracy
2024-11-16 03:17:29 +0000 UTCI have two comments below on this video about toxic families and I am extremely interested in this subject since my son has cut me out of his life and won't be specific as to why. . The video of the man having an argument with himself comes across as a straw man argument. Notice he is on both sides. . I’d like to rewrite that last featured video on the toxic family post.... . - . Adult son: You just want to control me! . Parent: Nope. . Adult son: You think you’re perfect and don’t make mistakes! . Parent: Nope. . Adult son: You think because you brought me into this world, fed and clothed me that I owe you for the rest of your life! . Parent: Nope. . Adult son: You’re just ashamed of me and think I’m making you look bad! . Parent: Nope. . Adult son: You're a religious zealot and you've been brainwashed by your cult leader! . Parent: Nope. . Adult son: You never loved me and have always resented me! . Parent: Nope. . Adult son: You’re a selfish, egotistical narcissist bordering on the sociopathic who gets off on gaslighting me! . Parent: Nope. . Adult son: Well those are the only possibilities. What other reasons could there be? . Parent: I love you and I’m concerned that some of the decisions you are making aren’t healthy, so I’m trying to give you different viewpoints. In doing so, I hope you will be better informed for your life choices. If you were running into traffic, I’d be racing toward you to bring you to safety. I will accept you no matter what, but it hurts me that you won’t answer my questions or address our issues.
Tracy
2024-11-16 02:54:47 +0000 UTCI’m just a boomer but I was hoping that these comment sections would be where discussion took place. I posted below. I have seen a little attitude here concerning boomers. What can I say? A lot of us are pretty clueless. I keep hearing that certain subjects deserve “conversation”. I’m not on Facebook or Instagram and I thought the sharing of perspectives would be among those with special interests on blogs or sites like this. I’ve researched LGBTQIA intellectuals and therapists and what they say has left my hair standing on end. My son has gone no contact with me and I don’t have a clue as to how to move on, or gain insight. He has become an ally for LGBTQIA but hasn’t given me a pathway as to how to act without giving up my rights to an opinion based on my observations. He's 35, so it's not like I've ever been unreasonable. Amir has done well here and I’ve watched most of the videos and feel like I’ve learned a lot, but I also feel like I’ve caught up with many of his concepts and now I need some customized help. I’ve tried to find a group or “community” that is open to answering questions without them becoming defensive but I haven’t been able to. I don’t know what a racist or a homophobe is and I challenge anyone to show me where these concepts have been explained, but I assume those are what my son thinks I am. As gently as I can, I’d like to express my thoughts on “no contact”. Some of my family members were abusive toward my wife. They spread lying gossip, poisoned our family relationships and even screamed at her. I proved they were lies and their anger toward us grew. It got so ridiculous that my sister in law accused my wife of trying to get her daughters (our nieces) involved in gangs. (It’s a hilarious anecdote that if anyone were interested, I could tell you about it.) Meanwhile, my wife was experiencing paralysis on one side of her face. The doctor thought it was a brain tumor and prepared us for it. Turns out, the stress of interacting with my family triggered migraines that caused the paralysis. We went no contact until we understood what was happening and could be sure it wouldn’t continue. After she was aware of the reason it was happening, she was able to dial down their influence and impact on her life. They became diminished in her sight and heart. That’s on them. Then I had the motivation and moral authority to confront them with objective truth and now they are the ones who are “no contact” with us. Believe me when I say that they fear me. I even offered to meet with them with their pastor. Spoiler alert: They wouldn’t do it. My family refuses to answer questions. They refuse to address issues. They don’t contact me. Except one thought she’d be cute and send me a birthday card out of “love”. I responded and I haven’t heard back. I simply exposed the truth and challenged her motivation for sending me a birthday card out of “love”. I pointed out that she ignored all my questions and wouldn’t take responsibility for harming my wife. That was almost a month ago. She hasn’t responded but I wouldn’t mind if she did. It would mean that she was either ready to make things right, answer questions and restore the relationship, or I could unload on her again. It’s surprisingly therapeutic. I decided that they wouldn’t control me, I’d control them. If you go no contact, you risk them seeing you as weak or afraid. Or even worse, they feel like they are in the right. So I am of the opinion that unless for reasons of health, the person who goes no contact is the one in the wrong. Family is worth fighting for. I don’t understand the argument of not asking to be born. I don’t have enough information. If PTSD is a reason, I have noticed this: Everybody I know that claims PTSD also make terrible life decisions. They make choices that would exacerbate the symptoms rather than abate them. It’s kind of like depression and addiction. Qualifier: No two affectations are the same, but you’d be surprised to learn how much of mental health is a choice. My wife has dementia, and if you’ve met one person with dementia, you’ve met one person with dementia. But even with her, she is in good spirits because she lived a caring and decent life. Check out how many out of control dementia patients were abusive throughout their earlier lives. Again, symptoms that occur from brain damage aren't totally predictable. I have empathy. The brain is tricky. I need back and forth. If I have blind spots and need my opinions altered, I need input. Thanks for reading. If I knew how to attach pictures here, I’d post an image I took of a cat with heterochromia as a reward. Tracy
Tracy
2024-11-11 02:59:27 +0000 UTCI’m a Boomer, born in ‘57. Since I was twenty years old I had made the determination not to harm others as I had done before. I wanted to live my life beyond reproach. Married in 1981 and have been faithful. We participated in our kid’s lives in every positive way we knew how. Taught them how to think for themselves, taught them lateral thinking, game strategies, chess, tennis, took them to rivers and the coast, bought season passes to Fiesta Texas... and tried to be decent moral examples. I joke that I took so many pictures in order to prove to them as adults that they had a decent childhood. In 2016, my wife fell ill with Frontotemporal Dementia. I have been isolated in a small town for 8 years. I do nothing but think, read, write and watch TV. You don't know alone. No respite, no in home nurse and rare conversation. Before that, I worked mostly alone as a wallpaper hanger. I think I have a unique perspective and insights. Our sons became independent, which is what we wanted. We never disparaged any race or marginalized group. I grew up when the main complaint of gay people was that they couldn’t visit their loved ones in the hospital. I felt that was wrong. Fast forward now, and my younger son expects me to be able to accept a great chasm of change. He has become an ally to an alien lifestyle to me. I watched the culture of gay turn into LGBTQIA+ drag queens sexualizing children + promiscuity complete with websites + therapists that encourage one night stands as long as they aren’t racist + schools providing pornographic materials + parades that desensitize children to adult behaviors + enforcing pronouns + more that is covered on this site. I walked on eggshells for years and just a few months ago he agreed to answer questions for me. Somehow we got tripped up on BLM and from my perspective, he obfuscated and wasn’t honest with me. I have the texts, it wasn’t me. I’ve read them over and over. I’ve never spanked or yelled at him in my life. Once, when he was as young, I yelled at him and he looked at me confused and I said, “Wouldn’t that be funny if I was like that?” It was funny, you had to be there. But I lost my temper with a text recently and was angry and crude. Only time in 35 years. He will back me up that prior to a few months ago, we had no significant altercations and I was respectful of his life choices. But I felt baited. I felt like he wanted to go no contact with me but needed an excuse to feel justified. I can’t read his heart so I don’t know. But now he is ghosting me without declaring it. I feel like answering questions is not in the wheelhouse of the LGB agenda. Y'all need to have some kind of advocate/arbitration ability. Do I have blind spots? I can only read this at night because my wife breaks things and I have to hide my computer. Tracy
Tracy
2024-10-11 02:10:54 +0000 UTCThis is probably my favorite video of yours so far. I've been in no contact with my parents for over a decade and have looked at tons of videos/research from both perspectives. One thing that is consistent in these posts from NC Parents is an overwhelming aversion to accountability. However, if one ever asks an adult child why they went no contact, they always have a laundry list of messages, dates, experiences, words, and sometimes physical scars to demonstrate why. NC Parents tend to speak in vague generalities, never details ("I did the best I could," "Every family has issues,") while the adult children have years of receipts; it's an absolute myth that going no contact happens out of nowhere, but is rather a last resort. I may be biased, but I feel like pink hat lady absolutely hit the nail on the head. She absolutely cooked. It feels to me that these parents will do literally anything except stand in the truth and admit forthrightly, "I hurt my child. I did things that resulted in lifelong trauma. I was not a good parent. I failed my children. And because of that, they are justified in not wanting me in their lives."
Ryuchan22
2024-10-02 04:37:03 +0000 UTCI went no contact with my parents for a while and it gave us time to sort out our personal issues and grow up. We now have a strong and healthy relationship but it took about 15 years to get to that point. Sometimes space from whatever is toxic is exactly what is needed to be able to think things through and find common ground. Also, I stopped being afraid to tell them what my boundaries were. Thank you for covering both sides of this topic. I hope your parents come around. They're missing out on a great human ❤️
Melanie and Drew Phoenix
2024-10-01 23:14:40 +0000 UTCI'm a Gen X kid, my parents are boomers. I'm on the fence with going no-contact with them because of our political disagreements. But over time, I expressed my boundaries by not talking to them about politics. So far, they respected that. They also respected my other boundaries when I refuse to tell them exerything about my current relationship. They have helped me when I got away from a past abusive marriage, they were by my side through the divorce. I have both good and bad childhood memories throughout my life. I still love them, even when I get the feeling they're gossiping about me to other family members. Right now, I'm going limited contact with them, and we're getting along better.
Lena Williams
2024-09-30 23:52:37 +0000 UTCLike I said on your last video on this subject, I have mixed feelings. I'm NC with my abusive parents, and one of my kids is NC with me because she wants approval from my abusive ex. I agree with "Nancy". Give the kid space and hope for the best if you really don't deserve the NC. If you do deserve it, do the frickin work. And still do what Nancy suggested. Lol
Sarah Maja
2024-09-30 21:26:04 +0000 UTC
