im still here ,

hEY EVERYBODY, LONG TIME NO, ANYTHING,

so i guess i just wanna make like, a... hang on. let me get comfortable here

ok. thats better.

SO!!!! i've been, very bad, at patreon,, to say the least... and im gonna make just a Fully Honest post here, in hopes of at least beginning to crawl out of the anxiety hole ive put myself in!!! lets get started!!

"WHAT HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN DOING"

GOOD QUESTION!!! i've been veeeery bad at consistently doing p much any personal work this past year... it's been a year of many changes. i moved across the country. i began my transition. i finally got to work on untangling several Depression & Anxiety Mysteries. my living situation soured Somethin' Fierce and finances got, let's say, A Little Tight, and havent loosened since. i've been fortunate enough to have a steady source of contract work, but that also means ive felt hyper guilty working on anything personal since it doesn't necessarily contribute to lightening my financial load... so basically i've just been doing contract work until i burn out, quietly and slowly recovering from the burnout, and then diving back into contract work, repeat. ITS BEEN, NOT A GREAT WAY TO DO THINGS, especially considering i'm still really inexperienced in the grand scheme of things so there's a lot of frustration that comes from Learning On The Job?? but anyway ive just been doing, That Only, to make ends meet.

so thats the GENERAL state of, me. here's some more specific stuff about some Projects You Know And Are Wondering About

"ZONE SWEET ZONE"

boy, did i bite off more than i could chew with this project. i wanted to do it as a sort of combination learning project and community building thing, and i did learn a lot from what i did, but... i think in the end it was way too ambitious a project for a fledging unity user??? on top of that, the community building aspect backfired on me by raising people's hopes and expectations super high, and the resulting pressure made me fold. it's a project i really wanna come back to once i'm stronger and can give it the proper focus it'd need to blossom into a finished product, but... as it is, bein honest: i havent worked on it since early last year, and i think if i picked it up again i'd need to rebuild most of it to bring it up to speed with what i've learned since then. SO... LONG STORY SHORT... this one goes in the growing hiatus pile for now :')

"THE CONTRACT WORK" 

it's official undertale alarm clock! that got announced on twitter a while back but i don't remember if i said anything about it here. i can't really say or show anything about it. i don't know how many of my patrons are also undertale fans, but even if you're just a chess fan i hope you'll enjoy it... ive put a lot of myself into it!! i'm going to look into getting download codes or w/e for my patrons, so that's somethin you can look forward to Soonish™.

"I THINK THATS IT FOR EXCUSES"

sounds about right. i dont share all of this as an attempt to get off scot-free, or to drum up sympathy, because like... no matter how guilty i feel about it, it is Objectively Bad that i haven't explicitly followed up on so many of the things i set out to do here! but... i dunno. you've all been supporting me!!! i feel like you at least deserve to know what i've been up to, Why i've been so quiet here and elsewhere. if you're upset with me that's totally within your rights, obviously!! i feel like there's not really much i can do besides be honest about what Has happened to do better from now on.

i'm really, truly sorry for failing to meet the expectations i set up. i'm sorry i basically Hid In Silence for a thousand months because i was too anxious to confront it. i'm sorry that all my posts on here are just "hey sorry i haven't been doing anything!!!" also sorry if this seems like, super self deprecating. i'm just trying to... own up to stuff and be self-aware, i guess. it's probably a little overbearing but i gotta do it to help uncloud my brain!!!

"OK SO WHATS THE PLAN FROM HERE ON OUT, CHESS"

im glad you asked, me in quotes. y'all have been supporting me for this long for Basically Literally Nothing, so i feel like it's... probably a good idea to just show you the things i DO work on??? even if they don't become finished products... you'd all probably appreciate sketches and writing and models and ideas and prototypes, right??? Any Content Whatsoever??? bc those are things i can realistically share. i share bits n pieces on twitter but that stuff gets washed away in the sands of time, and not everyone keeps up with me there anyway. i guess i kinda lost track of what patreon is even for, at some point... i got into the mindset of, like, im expected to complete and ship a Product, like a crowdfund thing? which is Scary. but.. that's not really what this is. so... i'm gonna start posting that stuff here!! starting... today!!!!

"TODAY HUH"

that's right!!! i'm kinda rushing this post out bc i spent all weekend sleeping and cleaning and i reALLY wanna get this out before patreon starts billing people so folks can jump ship if they wanna direct their resources elsewhere BUT i'm gonna make another post today with some of that good "content". i have two personal projects i've been mulling over for a while now and i think it'd be fun to talk about em n share some bits n bobs.

here's a quick description of what those two things are:

『ufo catcher roguelike』 and 『2001 f2p mmorpg friendship simulator』.

catch you later today, where i'll get into those ideas a lil more in-depth!!!

if you've got any questions, feel free to ask here!!! if you've got any gripes, i'll hear em because i've earned em, but also I'm Very Anxious Of This So Be Nice To Me If You Can (But Also You Don't Have To). im basically doing the equivalent of saying "ok hit me with your best shot, i can take it" and then weakly guarding my face w both arms and shaking like a leaf.

sorry and thank you everyone,,, i'll do my best to make this the last One Of These