How 2 No Kingdum Harts

A vegan, a voter, and a guy who's never played Kingdom Hearts walk into a bar. Don't worry, they'll tell you all about it. 

God, deliver me. Save me from other people's youtube videos. Life would be a walk in the park were it not for continuously stepping in the festering dog shit that is other people's youtube videos. The landscape is a minefield of poopy dog-slime. Ahyuck. 

Seriously, please, enough of this shit. Can there be just one week that goes by without there being some bandwagon topic that every channel is making the same video about. Hey did you hear about the scary Louie CK jokes? Did you hear about the mean Gillette commercial? Did you hear about the ugly teen who smiled at the retarded Indian? Did you hear about how the story of kingdom hearts is complicated?

These "Kingdom Hearts Story So Confusing" videos are the youtube equivalent of every 9 year old who thought he was the first one to ask "how come Pluto is a dog-dog that lives in a doghouse but Goofy is like a person-dog that lives in a house-house". I'm looking at you, Corey Mathews. 

No one is even talking about the game. Certainly no one whose played it. I haven't seen one single review, just an endless sea of people who haven't thought about the series in 17 years coming out of the woodwork to go "ha ha what? Kingdom Hearts? Doesn't that have like, a totally craaazy story? Wouldn't it be funny and cool if i, a guy who didn't know the story, tried to know the story? What a unique and amazing idea for a youtube video a hurr durr" (sounds of pants-shitting). 

Youtube is a one-world market of mediocrity. A celebration of repetition. One big advertisement for the endless regurgitation of redundant groupthink and the homogenization of all human knowledge. The same words coming out of different faces, the same sounds coming out of different mouths until that's all it is. Sounds. Noise. Entertainment itself has devolved into a dystopian recapitulation of meaningless noise to fill our screen-filled domestic prisons and distract from the vacant helplessness in our souls. All is lost. Humanity is doomed, and yes I am blaming it all on youtube videos about Kingdom Hearts. 

Somewhere Jeff Foxworthy is priming for a comeback. He's writing new jokes. New ever-relatable observations about the plight of the common man. But something's missing. The perfect closer that ties it all together. A joke so relatable it goes beyond his usual audience and unites all people's of earth, bringing about world peace and uproarious laughter in cultures as diverse as could be imagined. Struggling to find this perfect joke, pondering and pondering night after night until the distractions inevitably break through and he finds himself, like so many of us, hopelessly addicted to screens. On his phone, his laptop, his tv, his tablet... slowly he loses focus. Spending more time browsing youtube than putting pen to paper. All hope of ever finding his ultimate closing bit seems lost.... until he see's a certain video... and then another... and then another...

More and more, the benevolent and wise youtube algorithm recommends him the ambrosia to soothe his troubled mind, the cure for the writers block that plagues him. Skimming the thumbnails and taking note of their overwhelming quantity. Examining the details and recognizing the familiar perplexity on the faces of the common people, as they each struggle to comprehend the great riddle of our time. 

Slowly, the world-famous moustache of global icon and national treasure, Jeff Foxworthy, begins to curve upwards into a smile. With a satisfied sip of his evening cognac he knows he has found it. The perfect joke. The ultimate observation. The closing bit that will unite the world and complete the most legendary comedy comeback in history. 

Days later Foxworthy stands before a hysterical crowd, with all the confidence of a man who holds immortality in his pocket. He waits for a break in the laughter, a window of silence, so that not one word is lost or misheard. This is it. This is the moment. He raises the microphone to his bushy lips. Breathes deep his last breath as a mortal man, and ascends to Godhood with but a single question.

"Have YOOOoooOOOuUuuuu ever nOtiCED.... that the KINGDOM HEARTS series of VIDEO GAMES... is COMPLICATED.... and CONFUUUUSINNNGG??????"

Curtains close on the world that was, and the prophet who helped us turn the corner. Things will never be the same. Things will be better, now that someone has finally said it. May we never forget the words that were spoken here today, nor the brave man who deigned to share them with us. For rather than hoarding the gift of knowledge, this man chose to share his genius with the world, and we are all the better for it. Now we can all at long last join hands as one divine people, made in the image of the almighty and born of this green paradise, to come together and say...

"ha ha yeah, wow. It is pretty confusing. Cool."