Midnight Pals: Secret Identity

Chuck Tingle: good evening, my good chums
King: oh excellent! it's chuck tingle!
King: he's great, he's always so funny
Tingle: actually, chums, this is serious horror
King: what

King: what? you're not doing funny erotica anymore?
Tingle: i never did funny erotica, chum
King: i
King: what?
Tingle: that was serious erotica
King: i
King: what?
Barker: boy, was it!

Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, i call this the tale of camp Damascus
Stephen King: oh good i could use a good laugh!
Tingle: it's not a comedy, my good chum
Tingle: it's actually a harrowing tale of conversion camp torment torn straight from the headlines
King: i'm laughing already!
Poe: steve
King: no wait sorry
King: sorry that really came out wrong

Tingle: Rose is a typical teenage girl
Tingle: loving jesus
Tingle: obsessively cataloging obscure minutiae
Tingle: sounds always escaping her throat

Tingle: "luke, i'm being haunted by demons that dress like target employees" ejaculates rose
Tingle: "maybe you should pray on that" extrapolates rose's father luke
King: wait she calls her dad by his first name?
Tingle: why yes my good chum, just a normal teenage thing that teenagers do
Joe Hill: yeah steve get with the program

Tingle: rose sees these demons whose gums have receded to provide an unnatural length
King: an unnatural length?
Tingle: that's correct, my good chum
Tingle: an unnatural length
Barker: ok look
Barker: i'm just gonna ask the question everyone's thinking
Barker: are you chris pine?

Tingle: why would you think i was chris pine, my good chum?
Tingle: certainly i would consider that to be an absurd premise
Tingle: the very idea that i and Hollywood heartthrob chris pine would be the same person
Tingle: how mirthful!
Tingle: the very idea fills me with mirth!

Poe: clive, don't harass chuck
Barker: hey, i'm just asking questions
Poe: you're being very rude
Poe: besides everyone knows chuck is actually will wheaton

Koontz: guys if you want to know chuck tingle's real identity
Koontz: you should ask a detective
Poe:
Barker:
Barker: wow from the mouths of babes, huh?

Barker: so nobody knows his real identity but i'm pretty sure he's chris pine
Barker: what do you think?
Arthur Conan Doyle: can he touch cold iron without pain?
Barker:
Barker: edgar i'm gonna let you answer this one

Poe: uh well i haven't actually directly observed chuck handling any cold iron
Poe: but i'm pretty sure he could do it
Doyle: i'm not convinced
Doyle: i have reason to believe that this chuck tingle may actually be one of the fae folk
Poe:
Barker:
King:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
King: of course!
King: it all makes sense!

Doyle: now this chuck tingle
Doyle: would you describe him as puckish?
Doyle: possibly impish?
Poe: oh no not anymore
Barker: he's serious now
Doyle: damnit!
Doyle: there goes that theory