Midnight Pals: In the Barn

Harlan Ellison: listen up you chucklefucks
Ellison: it only happens once in a lifetime that an author emerges fully formed like athena from the forehead of zeus
Ellison: tonight you are going to hear from such an author
Ellison: a bold new truth teller who will put you all to shame
Ellison: a man named
Ellison: piers anthony

Ellison: that's right, piers anthony
Ellison: when you hear this story, it's gonna blow your tiny little peanut minds
King:
Poe:
Lovecraft:
Koontz:
Barker:
Barker: so
Poe: no no clive
Poe: just no

Piers Anthony: ok guys you're gonna really love this story
Anthony: just let me top off the tank first
Anthony: [huffing a pair of panties like dennis hopper huffing ether in Blue Velvet]

Anthony: ok so there's this earth where a disease has contaminated all the animals
Anthony: so people gotta turn to human lifestock
Agustina Bazterrica: yes yes
Anthony: for milk
Bazterrica:
Bazterrica: oh yeah i guess you could do that

Bazterrica: do they use human livestock for meat too
Anthony: what? why would you think about that
Bazterrica: it just seems the logical extension to the premise
Anthony:
Anthony: i guess

Anthony: now if there was human lifestock, it would be pretty messed up to have sex with them right
Bazterrica: yeah that would surely be a huge taboo
Anthony: messed up
Anthony: but also
Anthony: very very interesting

Anthony: so this guy is a milk inspector and his job is to inspect milk production in different dimensions
Anthony: you know, to make sure that nothing unethical is happening
Anthony: cuz we wouldn't want to do business with unethical people
Anthony: we have really high ethical standards here about that

Anthony: so he goes to the dimension where there's no animals
Anthony: BUT
Anthony: everyone's drinking milk
Anthony: they LOVE it
Anthony: it's like a huge thing
Anthony: and this guy is all "wow, how strange"
Anthony: "i wonder where all the milk is coming from"
Koontz: i know! i know the answer!
Anthony: no you don't dean, sit down

Anthony: so everyone loves milk
Anthony: and there's all these barns everywhere
Anthony: where they produce milk
Anthony: but what animal is making the milk? that's the question
Anthony: the answer is man
Anthony: the most dangerous milk of all

Anthony: so they got these human livestock women
Anthony: with big milky boobies
Anthony: and the milk inspector is all "gosh, if i go into the barn, i might see a naked girl"
Edward Lee: i like this guy
Lee: highly relatable character

Lee: bro
Lee: bro how big are the tits
Anthony: oh they're real big
Anthony: like
Anthony: like big ol' melons
Lee:
Anthony: something wrong?
Lee: no bro
Lee: i mean
Lee: i mean i guess that's pretty big

Anthony: it makes you think, tho
Anthony: is the way we treat animals any better than the way these farmers treat their big mommy milker hucows
Bazterrica: do they eat the livestock people
Anthony: yeah i'm not getting into that
Bazterrica: but
Anthony: big mommy milker hucows

Anthony: [pantomiming] big mommy milkers
Ellison: goddamn
Ellison: you assholes hear all that?
Ellison: like the goddamn shakespeare of our time