Spreading too little butter over cement

The last week has been a ride.

I have lost a week of full productivity, but the cause is worth it.  I've met with a really solid realtor, had measurements done of the place, and photos taken.  In the next couple days a sign will go up.

I admit, I wasn't ready for how fast it could go.  I definitely wasn't ready to look at a room that I've taken all pictures down from, and stripped of it's familial identity and feel so utterly crushed by it.  Bit by bit, I'm saying goodbye to this place.  The place I grew up in.  My father's first and last house.

It can't ever go back to how it has been.  My mind has been trying to cling to that.  To be that 15 year old listening to metal music and painting wargame miniatures while my mother made this amazing raisin dessert, and my father watched the evening news.  There's a cognitive dissonance that can happen, and there's a tiny fragment of your mind that can keep trying to grasp that and 'go back'.  If only I did 'x' it would be like the old days.

It can't.  And that's a good thing.  I've lived it, and experienced it.  It shaped me.  I'd like to think it helped me become a kind person.  But this house can never go back.  And neither can I.  It has felt a little more empty since my mother died nearly 30 years ago now, and it feels almost utterly derelict of souls now.

So, onward.  I'm terrified, and excited, and sleepy.  I don't know where I'll be in a month, in two months.  I don't know where I'll be in a year.  But it won't be here.  And that's okay.  The house is heading towards 80 years old.  It's tired, it's 'children' have all moved on.  I must too.

I will have my kitties with me, and I know it'll be super stressful on them, but it's unfortunately a part of life.  I will still have my found family.  Both online and in person.  And I'll have my head-family, who bounce through leaves and stay close when I'm feeling despondent.  A coping mechanism I will hold onto my whole life, happily.

I'm probably going to be a bit spotty in getting back to folks.  In showing the house, I'll need to clean the place up, and be out of here when the realtor and clients arrive, and I can't say how many people will want showings.  Work has been interrupted a lot lately.  More than I have anticipated, but I figured I'd have some days where I just didn't have time to get anything done than cleaning and preparing.

I am still working though.  It just has to be around the times that people show up, and around meetings I'll need to be at.  I apologize for the slower pace, but sadly it's not something I can help.  If anyone has sold a house, you know how crazy it can get.

I will also let everyone know when I'll be without internet.  That's inevitable in a move, though I have business internet so they tend to be pretty good at making sure I'll have priority in getting hooked back up elsewhere, barring any weird complications with the building I end up in.

So here I am, seeing all the faces and between all the spaces.  

Adventure!

-T.J.