Jessie Beale

I'm still learning to // Love

Added 2022-12-06 02:36:57 +0000 UTC

I don't know when, but somewhere along the timeline of my life, I no longer allowed myself to receive love. Perhaps it was a defense mechanism, or maybe it was just too dangerous. Whatever the reason, I closed the door and bolted it shut.

Love soon became an urban myth, something I only saw in movies. I read books and recited poetry trying to feel something again but the idea of love remained a fantasy.

Relationships became transactional, a partner to stand by my side, company on a rainy day. I longed to feel more but I just didn't know how. One day it dawned on me, I was looking at love the wrong way. I was searching for a foreign feeling that I'd never known.

I was once asked what being in love meant to me. I said, a feeling of safety. To know I am okay, that I can let my guard down without judgment, fear, or embarrassment. To gain a deeper understanding of myself. To feel wild and free yet completely at home.

They said to me, this isn't love.

I said no, it's trust. And through trust, I'm learning to love.