DANDELION - Work In Progress

Hello lovely people, 

So while I was exceedingly busy the last couple of weeks packaging orders, preparing for a market and various other mundane but necessary work tasks, I did manage to (force might be another good descriptive too, because I really had to work at convincing myself I had the time to do it) squeeze in some painting. 

I don't know how many of you remember this particular sketch : 

but it had been sitting on my easel for an eternity, and I could never get myself to get it past this rough sketch stage. 

Something I experienced a lot of this past year is feeling incredibly insecure and unsure about my skill and vision. Somehow, as my work has gotten more complex and complicated, I became a lot more prone to crippling overthinking.
I still have lots and lots of ideas, a plethora of half-started concepts I want to turn into paintings, and no lack of desire to sit down and create, but for some reason, when it comes to actually putting it all into action, I freeze like a deer in headlights. 

It has been almost crippling at times this year, to be honest. 

So I started a number of pieces, but only got as far as the sketching stage, and froze when it came to figuring out how to paint them. 

I have about 6 of those at this point, just staring at me from my walls and easels....

I am not exactly sure why I have been feeling this way, but I can also say that I think it is easing slowly.
This tendency to overthink is something that has become gradually worse with me becoming better technically, and also more proficient at analysing what I may be able to do better in a piece. Being able to better see how I could improve something has had the strange side-effect of making me afraid of attempting anything because I might risk not creating it to the highest standard I think it could be created.
I suppose in short, I have been letting my perfectionism cripple me lately. 

Not good. Fairly cliche too, haha!

Anyway. 

I think I am gradually managing to claw my way out of this weird pit I created for myself, so hopefully that will mean more art in the coming weeks.

And to start with, here is my first take on this oldish sketch of mine. 

And I'm saying first take because I have no idea if this is a final version or a version in between other versions. I really like this little painting, but I might want to try a different direction at some point, who knows. Nothing is set in stone, because nothing needs to be. 

One of the mistakes I made with this piece initially I think, was thinking too big for it. The first sketch in this post is quite big, it is nearly A2 in size.
I think there was a point towards the beginning of 2021, when I felt like physical size gave a piece more weight, more...intrinsic value? (in the case of my work of course. I think I was battling a lack of self-worth at that point, which translated into weird value judgments of myself I would never assign to anyone else...).

So my first step when I decided to revisit it, was to downscale it massively. This new sketch above is about 10x10 inches I believe.
And instead of using a standalone piece of quality paper, I decided to do this in my watercolour sketchbook.
I needed to de-dramatise the whole thing. Allow myself more mental space to mess up, have fun, loosen up, remember that everything is a process, and every piece of work is a step forward, even if it doesn't end up perfect. 

Getting started, putting paint to paper, was almost physically painful for a while. I was absolutely PETRIFIED. 

But fear is best faced, and progress is only ever made by doing, so I worked on pushing past the overthinking I could feel welling up inside of me. The only way to stop it in its tracks was to do, and maybe fail. Or maybe not.
So I just painted. And it was SO MUCH FUN. I enjoyed myself so much! I had somehow forgotten how much I absolutely love painting, and how, when I am in the process of doing so, I forget how afraid it makes me. 

This probably all sounds so silly and dramatic to some of you, and it sort of is, in many ways.  It's just painting after all. Nothing really important hangs in the balance of that one painting. 

But this being my job, it can sometimes feel like everything hangs in the balance of one piece. Being able to create new products so I can make some money for my rent, being able to create prints for Patreon so I don't have to delay sending rewards again, getting better so I can work towards having a good portfolio so I can start applying to bigger clients...etc...So much of my livelihood and my dreams sometimes feels like it relies on me creating good work, so when I fail at making something I love enough to have it out there representing me...it can feel like I am failing. Which I am not. That is literally just my brain being a bit of a coward frankly. Giving in to inaction because it is less risky in the moment. Reverting to the attractiveness of inertia because inertia doesn't disappoint. Inertia is unchanging and change is where risk lies. 

So yes, this is all a bit dramatic. But frankly, emotions can be drama-queens sometimes, and  those are the emotions I was living with the past year or so, and I really don't think I am alone in them. Especially if we are talking about other artists. We are very much stewing in our emotions on our own for long periods of time, and they are part of the process. The point of my posts is to share the process, so here we are. :)

Damn those are a little blurry, I am so sorry....

Anywho.
This is how far I'll go with this post.
I finished the piece recently so I'll share that in a full post in a day or two but I need to process, scan and edit it and all, which takes a little bit of time, and right now, I need to get ready to fly back to France for Christmas. 

I'm finally going home to see my family!
It is quite the ordeal, and nothing it guaranteed until I am actually on french soil, haha. but I am quite excited nonetheless. I haven't been home properly since Christmas 2019, so it will be delightful to see everyone after all this time.
I will still be working while there, so I'm hoping I'll be able to upload the full painting for you, as well as the Process Video, in the next week or so. 

I want to modify the expression of the character a little digitally, to see if I prefer it this melancholic, or a little happier...We'll see....

Anyhow.
This is me for now. 

I hope you enjoyed this little WIP post and my pouring my soul out to you, and that you are all very well indeed.
I appreciate you all so much.
Sending much love your way,
M <3