Update

So, some of you are tangentially aware of what's been up, or may have noticed the lack of regular content.

Long story short? I got doxxed.

I had hoped after all the blocks that the situation was over; turns out, a segment of fans I once deeply cherished (predominantly three Brazilian military dudes and one lady on the fringe that a few folks know) decided to track down my facebook, used photos privately given (nothing TOO scandalous, just my booty) and my goddamn number to make a sex forum listing, so that all day and night people would be calling me seeking a stupid, free use "bimbo".

This hurts as a woman: all my life I've been fed messages that says that participating in perfectly ethical, healthy sex makes me stupid, bovine, self-exploitive. It hurts as a performer, simply minding my own and doing something I've come to truly love. It hurts right in the kink center, where I think it's perfectly okay for consenting adults to indulge in behind-closed-doors fantasies without shame following them for what they "look like". Doesn't matter that I'm a double-degree holding academic, doesn't matter that I've travelled to almost two dozen countries, doesn't matter that I've been paid to run festivals or guest lecture on sexual liberation. Doesn't matter that I could sit and give a master class in Romantic Era music, or break down Shakespearean language. Doesn't matter. I'm a curvaceous blonde (word: I'm not, but redblonde doesn't enter these assholes' equations) with big, dumb tits (how do large tits equate to intelligence??? How does that biologically work???) who is stupid because I'm a living, breathing adult female with a libido, Like The Grand Majority of Every Other Human on the Planet.

And let me be really, really clear Why I was doxxed: because I refused to give a man the attention he wanted romantically. I felt unsafe and eased off- after a week or two of quiet he exploded in guilt trip, his buddy started up a cyberharassment terror campaign, and finally, my personal information- name, phone number, photos were advertised in a catfishing ad.

No, don't go looking- thanks to lawyer consultation, police report and Several RL loved ones reporting the doxxer/person falsely impersonating me, they FINALLY pulled the post off their forum. It wasn't busyness- they ignored it the first few days, then finally caved after a few good faith messages of "this is a doxxer, please take this down" to, finally, "look, if this doesn't come down, I'm going to have my lawyer send your forum a legal takedown notice and then the police will have a record of Your Site propagating penal code violations, not to mention the harm that I've personally incurred". They pulled it down. But not before just anyone could save my photos and call my personal cellphone all day and all night, for weeks. It took some very kind man just looking for sex, no harm there, who decided to tell me where I could find the source of my dox. (Human kindness ain't dead, who knew.)

And now, I'm cleaning up the mess made by the men who thought it was funny to expose me to career damage and physical danger, let alone psychological harm. I've lost sleep, I've lost working hours, I've incurred charges for lawyer fees (fair or them to charge, not fair that I needed to do it in the first place), and there's the time I've spent investigating the source of this attack and the paperwork I've needed to do with the police; time I could've spent writing smutty comics that I've been contracted to do, responding to wonderful potential clients hoping to hire me for their new projects, making content for my Patreon, finishing my current audio book, getting started on the other one, hell, doing yoga. Talking to friends. Making cool plans for my birthday month.

I'm hoping that once I get all this paperwork in, that the situation will be over. I understand that it may not be, and viligance around preventing further doxxing will become a painful part of a job I have loved So, So much.

I will get back on my feet. But please, bear with me as I have a lot of unfun things I have to manage, on a month I should be celebrating my own life on this goddamn planet.

A few Dos and Don'ts:

-Please don't make me go into it more. I've explained it, I have the screenshots, I'm tired as all hell. The situation would be grating on the toughest of souls, and I am that, but that doesn't mean that I don't hurt, that I don't cry. Strength comes from will, from motivation and ferocity, it doesn't come from emotionlessness.

If you find yourself in a situation where a woman is telling you she's been assaulted, doxxed, anything like that, don't play 20 questions with her. If you are a figure holding some kind of power- like a mod or some such- all you need to see is the screen shots. We are TIRED of ALL THE GYMNASTICS it takes to prove that we are targets of a crime. No one does that to stab victims, it shouldn't be done to us.

-Jesus Christ don't go Out Of Your Way to talk to the target about how you feel sympathy for their attackers. THIS wonderful message was sent to me today:

"I really think it's a shame that those guys went so far with this over something like this.  Like I get it, I won't deny I wasn't a bit hurt too when everything suddenly went silent.  But to go this far in.. I don't know, retribution or something.. is just unbelievable to me. Especially from (name) who I call a brother in arms from another country."

We don't need your belief for it to have happened. It's okay if you have empathy for another's feelings- DO NOT go talk to the target about how you understand them attacking our careers, our physical safety, our right to privacy, our character as human beings, our mental health and happiness. I've attached the response I gave, because if you're interested in the situation this far, I'm hoping Someone might learn something important about why it isn't okay to try to punish women for saying no. If you are empathizing with men who subject women to violence and harassment, then you are Absolutely part of the problem. It doesn't matter than I went quiet with him out of fear that shit might go sideways- not only was that fear Clearly justified, but there Is just Zero reason a woman is required to stay in a situation she IS unsafe. And I didn't even have a romantic involvement with this person- it was mega inappropriate to be expecting it from me in the first place.

-If you don't know the person terribly well, it's okay to ask what you can do to help. They might not have any goddamn clue during the situation itself, just staying on top of the current and not drowning. For me, I've incurred about 6, maybe 700 in damages, from lawyers fees, to security hardware, to lost work time, to mental health management . That's considered low end for a dox- I didn't have to have people forcibly removed from my property, or worse. My Ko-fi is alive and kicking, and is a great way to help me recoup that loss, if you're feeling Particularly awesome. I feel bad asking; it's a point of foolish pride that I feel that I can handle this entirely on my own. And I Will survive reguardless, but any help or kindness offered in that department will be Deeply and Sweetly appreciated.

https://ko-fi.com/bordeauxblack

But so will solidarity anger- some good old fashioned "fuck those dudes", and speaking out against doxxing and fear campaigns, when the women you know are subjected to them. Bad shit just keeps happening when these situations are protected and safe in the dark. Never feel powerless- your voice against injustice is both helpful and a comfort.

Tomorrow,  I'll be even more on my feet and will return with the Awesome content. Heck, I even plan on releasing some stuff today, because I refuse to let this shit define me, or stop me from something I love.

For now.

Just do us all a favour- remember that the reason creators get cagey and maybe even hostile-sounding is because we've been subjected to harassment over and over and over. Being a woman on the internet means our wounds are rarely allowed to close before new ones get torn open. I see it in Every big name I know- eventually, they distance themselves from fans because for the grand majority of AWESOME people, the few complete shitballs can wreak to much fucking havoc and damage that it no longer becomes worth it to expose ourselves. I had a fan once say "this is why we can't have nice things" and he couldn't have been more right.

Now, I have no intention of closing down shop at this time. Too much awesome to do. But this... this kind of thing makes that choice... harder.

One step at a time.