muted WIP + hating everything you create

it was hard to decide on a preview panel to show for this episode since i felt like everything would just be a spoiler already lol but this'll do.

i'm finally at the colouring stage T_ T) it took me all of last week to finish the lineart for 7 pages, which is unusual for me. normally it can be done in 2-3 days if i focus properly. but eh, didn't happen this time LOL

artists are always told to never talk bad about themselves or their art publicly because if they say "boy this piece sucks" then their audience is more inclined to agree when otherwise they might have actually really liked it instead. which makes sense somehow`?? over the years i've followed some artists who kept captioning every piece they posted with something along the lines of "lol i know this is ugly and i can't do anything good ever" every.damn.time and at the same time they kept complaining that they're never getting a lot of notes or feedback on their art. they all quit and disappeared in the end.

in my opinion the way you present your work influences people's reactions and/or interest a lot. i suppose almost every artist can relate to the constant self-loathing and low self-esteem and feelings of being an impostor that come with everything they create and it's incredibly difficult to not send every other artwork off with a comment about how much they hate it, because "if i say it first then i'm taking this power away from everyone else, right"? i used to be guilty of that myself until i realised that's counterproductive to my endeavours. i might not always be very happy with what i create but i try to refrain from dissing it publicly, instead sometimes i'll just post it and PRAY that nobody who looks at it will notice all the bad things i'm seeing and won't expose me as a fraud or as the terrible artist and person that i think i am. it helps. at least so far i haven't been exposed LOL

i try to keep my captions neutral, tho in rare cases i can't help myself but to be a little snarky and/or sarcastic. doing this instead of putting all the focus on WHY I HATE MYSELF AND MY ART also created a shift in my own thinking (most of the time). i can look at my art from a more neutral POV, i can acknowledge the mistakes i see without hating what i look at with all my heart (most of the time), i can decide more easily if it can pass as something my audience would like looking at or not. and i feel less bad about myself and my supposed failures (most of the time).

however, and now i'm getting to what i actually want to talk about, THESE SEVEN PAGES HAVE BEEN A NIGHTMARE because everything i said in this post so far went RIGHT out the window and i spent an entire week convincing myself that every single panel looks terrible, that i can't draw AT ALL, that i'm wasting my and everyone else's time and that everyone is going to see this next update and will immediately unsub/delete their pledge/unfollow me everywhere and realise that i'm the WORST and not worth anyone's attention and support. 

but today i woke up and opened the files and looked at them again and. they look okay. they're not perfect, nothing is, and i see mistakes but i can once again acknowledge them and just ponder for a moment if i should fix them or save the time because it won't ruin the overall reading experience.

i'm not exaggerating when i say that i questioned all of my life decisions last week, i felt like i should do everyone a favour and quit and disappear forever just like those people i talked about earlier. and even while thinking that for 7 days i always knew in the back of my mind that that's not an option and i would never do that because all of this is exactly what i want to do for as long as i live and i also know that these phases of self-loathing and hopelessness will always pass. it's just part of the game. still, i always come out of those holes very surprised to have done a complete 180 and feel like i can actually do it again OTL

i'm not sure what the purpose of this post is, really. i guess it's a reminder for myself? and for others who can maybe relate to this? that it's not always okay but that it will be okay again. life throws you stones, sometimes they miss, sometimes they hit hard and then you gotta spend some time feeling sorry for yourself or feeling like a bag of crap and sometimes you just gotta lie there and sigh and let it happen for a while. but it's also important to force yourself to work through it even with the bad thoughts, if you're serious about it, nobody else can do that first step for you. and hopefully, the more these ups and downs happen, the more we can all be prepared for them and keep in mind that they won't last forever. i like to always point out me being a capricorn in these moments, with strong horns that will always be too stubborn to let myself waste away for too long, instead i'll gladly bash my head right through the wall next to the door that just won't seem to open.

that said, i'm not trying to talk down on myself or the next update at all, on the contrary. now that i'm looking at it from another point of view, i think it's gonna be good when it's finished and i'm excited to share it with you all! but i will definitely be looking back on these pages in the future, remembering how i've felt drawing them and be like "ugh that was bullshit man". which is okay, too. i don't have to have good memories for everything, hopefully one of the next updates will be able to provide me with better ones x)

idk where i'm going with this, but i felt it was time again to ramble a little, since i haven't had anything to post in a hot minute 👀 i hope you're all doing well, i'll check back in in the next few days with the next MUTED update!

I NEED BREAKFAST NOW, it's 4pm and i haven't eaten yet 😱🍌🍌🍌