Butt On Haunted Hill

BUTT ON HAUNTED HILL

By Chuck Tingle

I slow the car to a crawl as a massive iron gate appears before me, ancient spikes jutting towards the sky in a violent row of spears. Stretching out on either side of this entrance is a long stone wall, this divider equally ravaged by time. The wall is covered in moss, large portions crumbling away after a long history of neglect.

Other than the road itself, this is the first sign of anything man made for miles, nothing but vast swaths of forest stretching out in every direction.

My car idles before the gate a moment, headlights shining through the bars as I search for any sign of life. I was given an address, but no further instructions about what to do once I got here.

A audible crackle suddenly erupts beside me, causing me to jump in my seat. I glance over to find a callbox that I hadn’t noticed until this very moment, the post that it’s set within completely overgrown with flora. The voice drifting out is barely audible amongst the static.

“Who is it?” the call box asks.

“I’m Lance Rimble,” I explain. “I’m here for a meeting. I got this letter.”

I hold up the envelope, not sure if they’re watching me with some hidden camera.

“What’s the password?” the voice asks.

“Pound town,” I reply.

There’s a brief moment of hesitation on the other end, nothing coming back to me but the faint hum of static, then suddenly a loud clang rings out and the gates begin to open. The iron bars move outward, howling a rusty howl as they grant me entry.

My vehicle rumbles and shakes as I continue up the long, winding drive. Decades ago this was likely a smooth ride, but in the years since, cracks in the pavement have started to form. Chunks of cement have fallen away and small ferns poke up through the empty spaces.

For the first time along this journey, I can actually sense the fear starting to creep in. I knew it was going to happen, well aware of the history surrounding this ancient place, but for some reason I thought I could push past all of that and keep things professional. I don’t believe in ghosts, after all.

Still, actually being here at the old Lorbin Manor has sent an unmistakable chill through my bones, as though my body can’t help but react to the various specters that call this place home.

“Rumored specters,” I murmur to myself, speaking the words aloud as though it might give them a little more potency. “Alleged specters.”

It’s not long before the forest falls away and a house comes into view, an enormous, three-story mansion that sits atop the hill and stares down at me with its wide, vacant windows. This place looks as though it was drummed up in the heart of every quintessential haunted house nightmare, with gothic towers popping up at random intervals and distinctly Victorian architecture.

At the front of this enormous manor is a roundabout, and it’s here that I find a handful of other vehicles parked. The cars don’t fit their surroundings, a variety of makes and models but none of them matching this dilapidated aesthetic. They are new, colorful and recently driven—guests in this strange place, just like I am.

I park and climb out, then make my way up the creaking front steps. I lift a hand to knock, but before I get the chance, the doors swing open and a. tall man appears before me. He’s dressed in a black suit and has deathly pale skin. His face is gaunt and hollow, and his eyes are sunken into his skeletal face.

“You must be Lance,” the man offers in greeting. “Come in. The others are waiting.”

Before I can answer, the man turns and makes his way back into the house. I’m forced to scurry along behind him, my eyes darting around as I struggle to make sense of my surroundings. The inside of this structure is just as eerie as the outside, cobwebs lining the ceiling and candelabras flickering in the dim light of the evening.

Eventually, we enter a large study, the walls line with bookshelves and three couches positioned at the center of the room. Upon these pieces of furniture waits a smattering of other visitors, each and every one of them looking just as confused as I am. These are people from all walks of life, likely pulled from their average existence by the same unexpected letter.

Our strange host motions for me to take a seat, and I follow his instructions, settling in on one of the couches.

He clears his throat and addresses the room. “Thank you for coming all of this way,” he begins. “I know some of you had a longer journey than others, but I think you’ll find your efforts to get here were worth it.”

“Get to the point,” someone calls out, clearly frustrated. “What the hell is this?”

Our host ignores this disturbance, continuing onward at his own restrained pace.

“My name is Freddy, and I am the executer of Mr. Gorb Lorbin’s estate,” he explains. “You are sitting in the famed manor of Mr. Gorb Lorbin, one of the ten richest people on the planet. You may have heard that he passed away recently.”

“What’s that got to do with us?” the same frustrated guest interjects. “I didn’t know him!”

Finally, Freddy breaks. The man’s expression transforms into a smile as he turns and acknowledges the guest directly. “That’s exactly the point,” Freddy says. “Gorb was a billionaire, but what he accumulated in money he lacked in friends and family. In fact, a large portion of Gorb’s wealth was spent trying to get people to like him… which never quite worked out.”

Freddy turns his attention back to the crowd, addressing the group again.

“It was decreed in Mr. Lorbin’s will that the remainder of his funds go to one of ten individuals selected completely at random.”

It suddenly dawns on me what Freddy is saying, my heart skipping a beat. “Wait,” I blurt. “Are you saying that we’re all going to be rich?”

The group immediately erupts with excited chatter, but the thrill is short lived.

“Unfortunately, no,” Freddy explains. “Of this handful, only a few will inherit the fortune. Potentially, none of you will. It all depends.”

“Depends on what?” I ask.

“The will states that whoever can spend the night in this manor for one evening, without—"

“Oh, I know what this is!” I interrupt. “We all have to stay in this house and anyone who isn’t frightened away before sunrise will split the fortune.”

Our host furrows his brow. “No, of course not. You must stay all night and not have sex with any of the ghosts.”

The room falls into an awkward silence. It drags on and on as we struggle to process these words.

“What?” someone finally asks.

“I can see you think this will be easy,” Freddy continues. “I can assure you it will not. In fact, I doubt any of you will remain once the sun returns. The ghosts in this mansion are incredibly seductive, nearly impossible to resist. There are dinosaur ghosts, bigfeet phantoms... even unicorn spirits.”

I can feel my breath catch as he says this, then I quickly push down the abrupt surge of arousal.

“Anyone who’d like to leave now is welcome to,” Freddy says. “Everyone else is in the running for what’s left of Gorb Lorbin’s billion-dollar fortune.”

“What do you mean what’s left?” I ask.

“Whatever he didn’t spend.”

“So… it could be nothing at all, and Mr. Lorbin is just fucking with us,” I press.

Freddy considers this. “If he was a total asshole, then yes, I suppose it could be nothing at all. The question is this: are billionaires assholes?”

I think my answer, but refrain from saying it out loud.

“Alright then,” Freddy says, clapping his hands together. “I’ll see whoever’s left in the morning! Gift bags have been left out on the table behind me—they contain condoms, lube, and a key to your room.”

I’ve just about drifted off to sleep when the first scream comes, spilling down the hallways and prompting me to shoot upright in bed. The sound is blood-curdling, echoing on and on throughout every passage of this old building.

It comes again, then again, and with every passing round my perception of this primal howling begins to change. It had felt ominous at first, the death rattle of some poor soul who was violently shuffling off the mortal coil, but I quickly realize this cry is the sign of a very different kind of death—a little death.

These are moans of ecstasy.

The bellowing eventually settles and a few minutes later I hear the soft clicking of footsteps as they make their way along the hallway and then down into the main foyer. I climb out of bed and creep to my bedroom window, staring out into the night.

From here I can see the roundabout where all the cars are parked, and moments later a solitary figure enters my field of vision. I watch as the silhouette hurries to their vehicle and then jumps into the driver’s seat. Their car starts up, headlights cutting through the darkness. They pull away from the house.

“One down,” I say to myself as the lights get smaller and smaller.

I turn and head back to bed, pulling up the covers and then stopping when yet another shriek rings out from the darkness. It’s quickly followed by heavy panting, the then rocking of a squeaky bed, and then a few guttural moans for good measure.

Some variation of this sonic cacophony happens again and again throughout the night, the next bunch of sounds somehow occurring every time I’m just about to drift off. I try my best to ignore them and get some shuteye, to let the arms of sleep scoop me up and carry me on to the next morning, but this relief never comes. Instead, I’m left tossing and turning in bed.

Eventually, my frustration gets the best of me. I slam my hands down into the blankets and sit upright, letting out a frustrated sigh, but this expulsion of air quickly transforms into a startled yelp. A surge of alarm pulses through me when I see that a glowing, semi-translucent unicorn is standing at the foot of my bed.

“Oh fuck!” I exclaim.

The unicorn jumps in shock, equally surprised by this sudden movement. “Holy shit!” he cries out, then starts to laugh as he settles a bit. “I didn’t think you’d sit up like that.”

“Who are you and what are you doing in my room?”

This line of questioning doesn’t sit right with my unexpected guest, whose expression sours a bit. “Well, my name is Bunbo, and this is technically my room.”

“It is?” I question. “I’m sorry, I must’ve grabbed the wrong key.”

Bunbo shakes his head. “No, I mean… when I was alive.” He stops and does a little twirl, showing off his semi-translucent nature. “I’m a ghost.”

Suddenly, it all falls into place—not just my new friend’s spectral nature, but the difficulty one might have lasting through the evening. Bunbo is utterly gorgeous, a handsome unicorn the likes of which I’ve never seen. His body is beautifully sculpted and his smile is dripping with boyish charm.

The second I catch myself thinking like this I push the feelings away, struggling to bury them and then gasping slightly when they pop back up like an emotional springboard. I can’t help the way my eyes wander across this beautiful unicorn, slowing to a crawl when I reach his perfect rump.

“I can see why it was so hard… I mean difficult,” I blurt.

“What?”

“Lasting the whole night in this place,” I murmur, almost to myself. My eyes widen a bit when I realize that I’ve said these words aloud.

“Thanks,” Bunbo replies with a smile. He pauses for a moment. “Are you… hitting on me?”

“No!” I snap, then course correct. “I mean, yeah. I mean…” I trail off.

“You’re pretty cute, too,” the ghostly unicorn says. He gradually saunters over, taking his time and allowing the tension between us to build.

“I… I can’t” I stammer. “I have to last the whole night without having sex.”

Bunbo stops. “That’s fine,” he says. “I can just go about my business.”

My eyes linger on his abs.

“Aw fuck it,” I finally sigh, giving in to temptation.

I climb out of bed and approach the handsome ghostly unicorn, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him in for a deep, passionate kiss. Any hesitation that’s left within me completely melts away as our lips meet, fully submitting to the moment.

The unicorn and me immediately get to work exploring one another’s bodies, our hands wandering these uncharted territories. I make my way across his glorious, muscular topography, starting with his broad shoulders and neck and then moving my attention to the unicorn ghost’s incredible chest.

Bunbo caresses me in turn, taking his time as he strips the clothing away from my body. He pulls my shirt up over my head and tosses it to the side, then confidently undoes my belt. A sharp, erotic chill runs the length of my spine as more and more skin is exposed to the cool night air, and it’s not long before I’ve found myself completely naked.

By now my attention his drifted all the way down to Bunbo’s waistline, taking my time as I trace my fingers back and forth along this border. I can see the ghostly unicorn’s cock swelling within his pants, aching to be released from its fabric prison, and just when it seems like he can’t stand the wait any longer I have mercy by unbuttoning his fly. I tug Bunbo’s pants down a bit and extract his rod, gasping at the incredible size of this ghostly, see-though cock.

I pump my hand up and down the unicorn’s length, taking note of the way that his hips push back against me. It’s not long before our bodies fall into sync with one another, a confident grind as the pleasure within him builds, but before we settle in I switch things up by dropping to my knees.

I playfully kiss the head of Bunbo’s shaft, then open wide to take him between my lips and immediately picking up where the strokes of my hand left off, pumping my face across his incredible length. Over time, my speed begins to escalate, and it’s not long before I’m slamming myself onto his cock with frantic enthusiasm, moving with such ferocity that I eventually have no choice but to pull back in a flurry of saliva.

It takes a moment for me to collect myself, but once I’ve centered up I quickly dive back in, shifting my technique. I swallow Bunbo’s mammoth cock, but this time I don’t bob my face across him. Instead, I push farther and farther down, slipping his giant member well past the expected limits of my gag reflex.

Bunbo’s rod drives all the way in, eventually coming to rest at my absolute depths. It’s here that I hold him, allowing the handsome unicorn ghost a moment to appreciate my skills in this stunning deep throat maneuver. Bunbo places his hands on the back of my head, taking control of the situation until I’m finally forced to pull back for air.

“Fuck me,” I snarl, belligerent with lust.

I climb back onto the bed and pop my butt out towards my unicorn lover, rocking my hips from side to side as I crawl away from him and then punctuating this journey by giving one ass cheek a mighty slap.

“What are you waiting for?” I press.

Bunbo strips off the rest of his clothing and climbs onto the bed behind me. He positions himself, aligning the head of his shaft with the tightly puckered entrance of my back door, then thrusts forward in one deep, powerful movement.

My fingers grip the blankets as I brace myself against his weight. Despite my urging, I wasn’t quite prepared for Bunbo’s incredible size, his gargantuan cock immediately maxing me out and stretching my asshole to the absolute limits.

“Oh fuck,” I groan, my eyes rolling back into my head as I struggle to accept him.

Fortunately, Bunbo is a patient and caring lover. He notices the way that my body reacts to his penetration and holds tight, unmoving and firmly planted within my absolute depths. He stays like this for as long as it takes, allowing the discomfort within me to slowly melt away.

I can feel my muscles relaxing, the potent ache replaced by a warmth at the pit of my stomach. This warmth begins to spill out down my arms and legs as Bunbo moves against me, gradually rocking his hips as the two of us fall into a rhythm with one another.

It’s not long before we’ve found a confident pulse, our bodies slamming against one another as grunts and groans spill out of our throats. These sounds eventually transform into words, a murmured phrase repeated over and over again.

“Just like that, just like that,” I whimper to myself, the volume growing with every passing round until I’m screaming out at the top of my lungs. “Just like that! Just like that!”

I realize now that my voice is just like all the others, unable to control my temptation and adding to the long history of people who’ve visited this notorious house just to end up with an ass full of ghostly dick. I should be disappointed, upset that I’ve given up my share of the wealth in exchange for a hardcore anal reaming, but I’m not.

Honestly, it’s been worth every second.

Bunbo is slamming away at me with everything he’s got now, his movements arriving at a fever pitch. His massive cock is angled just right, slamming deep and rubbing my prostate from within.

I reach down and wrap my hands around my hanging cock, beating myself off while my unicorn lover continues hammering my backside. I find a distinct polyrhythm, an entirely new type of pleasure spilling through me and mixing with the sensations that came before.

The warmth has filled me completely now, and this sizzling feeling has made its true nature known. This is the tension of an impending climax, the threat of orgasm looming large above as I ride the waves below. Somehow I’ve been able to maintain my balance thus far, but with every passing second it gets more difficult to maintain.

“Oh god, I’m gonna… I’m gonna…” I start, unable to control myself any longer. “I’m gonna cum!”

I throw my head back and let this final word transform into an unbridled howl, my voice carrying through the manor as a powerful orgasm rips across my frame. I’m cosmically lifted by the sensation, leaving my body for a moment as every one of my senses is overwhelmed with carnal bliss.

It feels like forever, and when I finally slam back down into my body I realize that hot white cum is erupting from the head of my shaft. It spills out onto the blankets below, a glorious expression of pearly spunk that continues in heave after heave until there’s absolutely nothing left.

Bunbo guides me through the entirety of my orgasm, pounding into my asshole with everything he’s got. The second I finish, however, he pushes deep and holds, unleashing a payload of his own. I can feel the handsome unicorn ghost’s cum spilling into my butt, filling me up until there’s no room left.

When Bunbo finally pulls out of me his massive load comes spilling after, running down the back of my legs in warm, milky streaks.

“That was incredible,” I sigh, falling back into the sea of blankets.

I take a moment to catch my breath, gazing at the ceiling above as Bunbo climbs down into position next to me. The handsome unicorn wraps his arms around me, pulling me close.

“It was,” Bunbo agrees. “I’m so glad you came here.”

We stay like this for a very long time, just enjoying one another’s presence and basking in the afterglow of our carnal encounter. Eventually, however, it’s time to go.

I climb out of bed and start gathering my clothes, silently pulling them back on and then getting to work as I pack up my suitcase.

“What are you doing?” Bunbo asks.

“Leaving,” I reply. “I failed the test.”

The unicorn laughs, then shakes his head, stopping me in my tracks. “You didn’t fail. You were supposed to last the night without fucking anyone, but it’s been morning for a while now.”

“Wait… what?” I blurt.

I glance over to the window to see that the sky has started to change. During all of that tossing and turning I’d completely lost track of the time, unaware that the evening had transitioned in to early morning. Beautiful swaths of purple and orange are already beginning to creep their way into the vastness above, filling my bedroom with a faint, soothing light.

“Are you saying I inherited the fortune?” I continue.

Bunbo nods. “You’re the only one left.”

My mouth drops open in an expression of exaggerated shock. I immediately run over and look outside, discovering that the roundabout is now completely empty save for one vehicle: my own.

“Oh my god!” I shout, excitement overwhelming me. “I did it.”

I race over and hug Bunbo.

“Go and get your prize,” the unicorn says. “I think Freddy is downstairs.”

I nod, taking just a moment longer with this handsome unicorn, then hurry away. I exit the bedroom and confidently make my way down the stairs. By now the sun has risen even more, casting the foyer in its golden glow, and beyond I can see a light in the study. Freddy is waiting.

When I emerge through the study doors he stands to greet me, a smile on his face.

“Lance, it appears you’re the only one left,” my host says, extending his hand for a firm shake. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you for this opportunity,” I reply.

Freddy strolls over to one of the bookshelves and retrieves a thin paper folder. He puts on his glasses as he walks back to me, then opens the folder and gazes down at a few papers tucked within.

“You are hereby entrusted with the entirety of Mr. Gorb Lorbin’s fortune, which amounts too…” he hesitates. “Three dollars and eighteen cents.”

I stare at him blankly. “What?”

Freddy nods. “While Gorb was a billionaire, he was also an asshole. They’re all assholes, in fact. The man made a point just a few hours before he died to get rid of everything he had. He gave it to various causes.”

I consider this. “Well, I didn’t need all of that money anyway,” I finally sigh. “At least it went to charity.”

Freddy shakes his head. “Oh no, I didn’t say a good cause. Mostly wars and stuff.”

“Well, fuck,” is all I can think to say.

“Oh!” Freddy suddenly interjects. “It probably won’t matter to you because this place is falling apart, but he also left you this manor.”

A sudden warmth immediately floods into my heart, these words lifting my spirit as a smile crosses my face.

“If you’d like, I can help you sell the place,” Freddy continues. “I know of a few-”

“That won’t be necessary,” I cut him off. “I love it here.”

Freddy looks surprised, but appreciates my response just the same. He closes the folder and hands it over to me, then offers a nod before strolling away. “Enjoy your new home,” he calls out over his shoulder.

I watch the man go, but my attention quickly drifts. Freddy seems completely unaware of the spectral unicorn standing against the doorway, casually leaning and watching as this scene unfolds. It’s Bunbo, looking handsome as ever in the early morning glow.

He smiles as the two of us lock eyes, ready for whatever comes next. I feel nothing but satisfied with this outcome, and richer than ever.