Mercury Is In Retrograde And She Eats My Ass - (Classic Tingler Revisited)

trotting along this timeline has its ups and downs. we have fun days in the dang sun and sad days crawlin through the mud, thats just the way this timeline rolls along and were all stuck on this wild ride. 

there are some bad times that are just PLAIN OLD BAD, times when getting upset makes sense and is valid and normal and true. it is OKAY to have these moments and it is OKAY to rage against them.

but there are also bad times that just kinda get us down in a subtle way. CREEPIN AROUND being annoying and stickin like gum to the bottom of our shoe. but here is the big twist, as man name of chuck i can honestly say i ENJOY these days and here is why.

proving love in the sunshine is easy. when i roll about of bed with a spring in my step and good vibes in my heart there is no question im gonna make choices that PROVE LOVE IS REAL and create a better timeline. but when i wake up with those rainclouds floatin over me, what i see is something different: AN OPPORTUNITY.

it is tough to prove love in the darkness. it is tough to prove love when you are sad and bad luck rears its ugly head. this is where i think 'okay bud now i have a chance to REALLY make a difference in these timelines'. we got some HIGH STAKES TODAY LETS TROT

of course, this is not the way of all buckaroos, just the way of old chuck, but the following tingler makes me think on it. hope you enjoy this way of proving love on a bad day with classic story MERCURY IS IN RETROGRADE AND SHE EATS MY ASS.

Kendra’s been having a terrible day, and it only seems to be getting worse. Between the jammed drawer that kept her from eating breakfast, or the flat tire on her car, Kendra’s beginning to worry that her big presentation as work is headed for a similar dose of bad luck.

Fortunately, on the way to the office Kendra stumbles upon the planet Mercury herself, and quickly discovers that these unfortunate circumstances may be linked to the fact that Mercury is in retrograde.

Now it looks like the only way to move this beautiful heavenly body is through a session of hardcore lesbian ass eating!

This erotic tale is 4,100 words of sizzling human on lesbian planet action and hardcore sentient Mercury love.

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MERCURY IS IN RETROGRADE AND SHE EATS MY ASS

By Chuck Tingle

I’ve made myself breakfast plenty of times, and it’s really never all that complicated. While some people might opt for a traditional meal of eggs or bacon or pancakes or hash browns, I rarely have the time for this kind of thing. I like to sleep in and then grab a simple bowl of cereal before heading off to work, and on most days this routine comes and goes without any hiccups.

Today, however, is beginning a little different.

I pull the drawer where my bowls are kept open, the sliding unit stopping with an abrupt clatter. The door is only a few inches open now, and I can peer inside to see that something is very wrong. The contents have been rearranged in some haphazard way, tumbling over and aligning themselves just right so that the drawer is blocked from within.

I let out a long sigh and pull again, this time slightly harder than before. The drawer opens to exactly the same spot, then stops with another loud clatter.

“Fuck,” I say aloud.

I could probably find some utensil to reach within the tiny crack and push these renegade bowls out of the way, allowing the drawer to open, but that would take a little more time than I’m willing to spend. Instead, I alter course, standing up and opening the cupboard above to pull out a large mug.

It’s not quite as easy to eat out of, but it’ll get the job done.

The box of cereal is already out on the counter, and a pour myself a gracious helping before closing the cardboard box back up and placing it in the cupboard. I then stroll over to the fridge and pull it open, reaching in and grabbing a carton of milk.

The second I lift it up I recognize something is very wrong.

“God dammit,” I blurt, opening the carton up and peering inside to see there’s absolutely none of cold liquid left.

I turn around and toss the milk carton into my recycling bin before shutting the fridge and returning to my mug of cereal. I simply gaze down at it, astonished that my morning is already going so wrong.

I’m on the verge of being late for work, I realize, and without any other options I grab my dry mug of cereal and head out the door. I rush down the front steps and make my way out to the driveway where my car is parked.

I don’t even make it into the driver’s seat before noticing there’s a problem, however. The second I see the car I stop in my tracks, observing the outrageously flat rear left tire. I narrow my eyes and take a few steps closer, my mind struggling to relay these images back into my brain. It’s growing more and more difficult to accept that today, of all days, could’ve gone so horribly wrong.
 This would’ve been an awful series of events on any random morning, but today they’re particularly devastating. This afternoon is one of the biggest presentations of my life, with corporate flying in take part in the meeting. My future at this company all rests on everything going smoothly, and right now things couldn’t get any rockier.

After a brief inspection I find that a massive nail has been plunged into the rubber of my tire, likely picked up on my drive home last night and then allowed to leak out all of the air while I slept. It’s just dumb luck, I guess.

I’m gonna be late now, but fortunately the big meeting isn’t until this afternoon. This tardiness is not gonna look great, and I’ll likely be reprimanded by my boss, but the whole day hasn’t collapsed into a hopeless disaster just yet.

Realizing there’s not nearly enough time to change my tire, I quickly open my phone and search for a lift using one of my ride sharing apps. For some reason phone service is slow today, but I eventually get through and order myself a pick-up.

Moments later, however, I notice that my phone has almost no battery left.

“What the hell?” I stammer, gazing down at the device with disgusted confusion. I could’ve sworn I plugged my phone in last night before going to bed, but now that I think about it, this charger has been giving me problems lately.

Just as a receive an alert that my ride has arrived, my phone dies.

I run out to the street and climb into the back of my driver’s car.

“Hey!” I blurt.

“Headed to the Tingle Building downtown?” the driver asks, double checking his information.

“Yeah,” I reply with a nod. “Let’s go!”

The driver glances down at the mug for of dry cereal gripped tightly in my hand, but says nothing. He returns his attention to the task at hand and pulls back out onto the street, heading toward my work.

I glance down at my phone nervously, hoping for an update on the time and then finding myself instantly reminded that the device has lost its power. I feel helpless, but do my best to relax, sitting back into my car seat and nibbling from the mug of dry cereal flakes.

“Construction up ahead,” my driver informs me. “Gonna take a little longer to go around.”

“Really?” I groan, sitting up and glancing out the window to see that he’s right. The whole avenue’s been closed off, with traffic redirecting around to the side streets. “Isn’t there another way around?”

“Don’t think so,” the driver replies.

I let out a desperate sigh as we turn right and begin our long trek around this unexpected obstacle. I’ve still somehow managed to maintain my cool, but it’s growing harder and harder by the second.

I suppose it could be worse, though. We could’ve been stopped completely, and despite all this traffic we are still well on our way toward the office downtown. As long as I make it there by this afternoon, I’ll be fine.

The second this thought leaves my mind, however, I hear a loud screech. The next thing I know the car is spinning around in a full circular movement, a loud crunch ringing out in my ears. The force of this unexpected shift pulls me hard against the limits of my seatbelt before I finally come to a rest in my seat, trying to make sense of what just happened. All around the car, dust is rising up, momentarily obscuring my vision until it has a chance to clear the air and reveal we’ve been hit by another car.

Before I realize what’s happening, my driver has climbed out of his vehicle with a fire in his eyes. “Hey! What the hell do you think you’re doing!” he’s screaming out at the T-rex driver who hit us. The dinosaur in the other vehicle is yelling as well, shaking his fist at my driver.

I hop out of the car, feeling a little woozy but otherwise fine. “Do you need my help?” I ask my driver. “What can I do?”

The driver ignores me, still screaming with unbridled passion at the T-rex who hit us.

“Do you need me to help with the police report?” I question. “Because I really, really need to get to work.”

Finally the driver turns back to me. “Go! Just go!” he yells.

I back away and finally turn to leave, taking off in the general direction of my downtown office.

I keep shaking my head as I walk, going over the route in my head as I struggle to determine if it’s even worth continuing on this journey. It feels as though the farther I continue in this direction, the more things in my life begin to go wrong. I’m not a particularly mystical person, but this is beginning to feel like more than just a coincidence.

Of course, I have no answers beyond that. Just because it seems like something spooky is in the air doesn’t mean that supernatural powers exist. Maybe today is just not working out in my favor thanks to a completely random set of bad luck.

Or not.

I start to feel a bit hungry as I trek, then immediately realize I’ve left my mug of cereal back in the car.

I stop walking, feeling as though the weight of the world is simply too much to deal with any longer. Even if I was to break into a sprint, I couldn’t make it to my meeting in time, and I don’t even have a phone to call and alert my boss that I’ll be showing up late.

I give up.

I lift my gaze and suddenly notice the sign of a nearby business. There’s something about it that catches my eye, calling out to me like an oasis in the middle of this harsh bad luck desert.

“Mystical Magic,” I read aloud.

As I said before, I don’t really believe in that kind of stuff, but with nothing left to do I find myself wandering over to the store and heading inside.

I push through a curtain of beads and immediately find my senses overwhelmed with a pleasant waft of incense and herbs. Soft, calming music drifts through the shop, twinkling across my ears in waves of warm harp and droning synthesizer. There are long tables full of mysterious objects, and a variety of banners and posters hanging from the ceiling.

“Can I help you?” comes a voice from the front counter.

I turn to see a beautiful bigfoot standing before me, smiling warmly as she nods in my direction.

“I doubt it,” I reply with a laugh. “It’s been a rough day.”

“I know,” she replies.

I narrow my eyes a bit, confused. “You know?Is something mystical going on that I don’t know about?”

The bigfoot smiles knowingly. “Of course, mercury is in retrograde.”

I can’t help but laugh as I hear this. The phrase isn’t entirely new to me, as I’ve heard it tossed around a few times by my friends who are into this kind of thing, but the idea that some distant planet could have anything to do with my string of bad luck is utterly ridiculous.

It takes me a moment before I realize that the shop keeper isn’t joking.

“Wait, really?” I blurt. “Mercury is billions of lightyears away, isn’t it? How could that have anything to do with my car getting a flat tire.”

“It’s a very mysterious force,” the bigfoot replies.

“Explain it to me,” I counter.

The shop keeper stops, frozen by my question as she wracks her brain for answers. “I… don’t know,” the bigfoot finally stammers.

“Ah ha!” I cry out. “So it’s not real!”

The bigfoot shakes their head. “I’m not saying that. Listen, I don’t pretend to have all the answers here, I’m just trying to help. If you really want to know what’s going on then I’d suggest talking to Mercury herself.”

“The planet that’s floating a whole solar system away?” I scoff.

The bigfoot shakes her head. “No, Mercury’s out back on her break. She works here.”

I stare at the sasquatch blankly. “What?”

“Go talk to her,” the shop keeper repeats.

My curiosity piqued, I turn and head back deeper into the store, past the assortment of tarot cards and candles before finally arriving at a back door that leads to the alleyway behind. I push through and slam hard into someone with a loud thump and clatter.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry,” I blurt.

I see now the planet Mercury is, in fact, hanging out behind the Mystical Magic store, and I’ve just so happened to cause her to spill her cold glass of chocolate milk everywhere.

Mercury sighs loudly. “It’s fine, it’s fine. I’m in retrograde.”

“That’s actually what I came back here to ask you about,” I offer. “I’m Kendra.”

“Mercury,” the enormous heavenly body replies. “What’s going on?”

“I’ve been having a really bad day. It seems like everything that can go wrong, does.” I explain.

“Probably my bad,” Mercury interjects.

“So that’s a real thing?” I question. “I don’t understand. How could that possibly make any sense.”

“I mean, it doesn’t make any sense,” the planet continues, “but this is a book, so does that really matter?”

“A book?” I reply, confused.

“We’re characters in a Chuck Tingle book,” Mercury continues.

It’s not really the explanation I was looking for, but there’s something about this planet that makes it difficult to doubt her. She is, after all, the very person this notorious phrase is all about. If anyone knows what’s going on here, she does.

Of course, that’s not the only observation I make while standing here looking at the giant planet. Mercury is breathtakingly attractive, something that I’d noticed from the outset but am only now allowing to sink in. It’s difficult for me to keep my mind focused as I look at her, finding that my thoughts will begin to wander away into rather mischievous places.

“Are you okay?” Mercury questions, noticing now that I’m staring at her.

I avert my eyes, struggling to act natural. “Yeah,” I blurt. “Just thinking.”

Mercury grins. “You know, I’m not exactly sure how these forces work,” she explains, “but there are a few theories. It’s said that Mercury leaves retrograde when she experiences something especially fulfilling. It could be anything, some good news, the end of a creative endeavor… and orgasm.”

“Now that really doesn’t make any sense,” I counter, unable to stop myself.

“Well, this is a Chuck Tingle book,” the planet reminds me. “What did you expect?”

The two of us fall into silence now, gazing into one another’s eyes with a powerful lustful intensity. There’s a tension that hangs in the air between us, either one not quite sure how to make the first move. This anxious feeling builds and builds until, finally, it simply can’t be contained any longer.

The next thing I know, Mercury and I rush together in a passionate embrace, our arms wrapped tightly around one another as we kiss deeply on the lips. I completely lose myself in the moment, working my hands across the planet’s gigantic round form as I learn her glorious topography. I start by kissing along her shoulders and neck, then allow my attention to sink lower and lower across her enormous breasts. I caress and play with them a bit, then continue on as Mercury trembles and quakes with anticipation.

Soon enough, my hand is hovering above the beautiful planet’s waist, allowing the tension to build between us once again. I can tell that she’s aching for more, but I still hold myself back, tracing along the bones of her hips with my finger but refusing to go any farther.

“Please,” the sentient planet groans, her body pushing against mine. “I need your touch.”
 Finally, I have mercy, dropping my hand down slightly and allowing my finger to slip across Mercury’s aching clit. A slight gasp escapes her lips as I begin to work her, rubbing this digit gently across her most sensitive areas and taking note of the way that her body moves against me. It’s not long before the two of us fall into a pleasant rhythm together, her hips grinding back against my hand.

Eventually, Mercury reaches down and begins to deliver me the same treatment, rubbing away at my pussy while we hold tight. We’re whimpering into each other’s ears now as the soft sounds of lust permeate the air. I can feel the pleasure bubbling up from deep within me, spilling out through my veins as it floods my body.

The two of us could easily stay like this as the sensations build and get each other off, but I’m looking for more, craving a longer encounter with my beautiful planetary companion.

With this in mind, I suddenly find myself slipping lower and lower down Mercury’s form. I drop to my knees and push her back a bit until she’s bracing herself against the nearby wall of the alleyway. I gaze up at her playfully, then wink before getting back to work.

I’m rubbing the sentient fate-providing planet’s clit now with quick movements, pushing her farther and farther along as she moans loudly above me. I get closer and closer and then finally begin to lick her with my tongue, starting things back at the beginning now. I’m dragging myself across Mercury’s pussy as I happily eat her out.

“Oh fuck, just like that,” the giant planet sighs encouragingly. She reaches down and runs her hand through my hair, then takes control and pulls me even closer to her body. This is the sign that she’s ready for more, and I listen intently. I begin to lick her faster and faster, pushing with even more force against her clit as she begins to tremble and quake.

Eventually, I slip two fingers deep within, the living planet gasping aloud as this entirely new sensation enters the fray. I begin to move my two pressure points in unison, my mouth and my hands working to create a pulse that’s so much more than the sum of its parts.

“Oh my god, I’m gonna cum. Oh my god, I’m gonna cum,” Mercury stammers, repeating the words over and over again in a blissed out mantra, her giant eyes closed as she lets the sensations overwhelm her. With every round of this phrase she elevates her voice just a little more, until finally she’s screaming out at the top of her lungs and filling this alleyway with the sounds of our vigorous lovemaking. “Oh my god, I’m gonna cum!”

I don’t let up for a second, determined to carry her the entire length of this orgasmic journey. Soon enough, the beautiful living planet is throwing her head back and letting a long, unbridled shriek erupt from her lips, completely consumed by sensation as her body shakes wildly. She’s utterly beside herself, every muscle within her body expanding and contracting in blissful unison.

It seems like the orgasm is going to last forever, but eventually it comes to its gradual end. Mercury must be exhausted, and at this point I wouldn’t blame her for wanting to calm things down. She seems to have other ideas, however.

Instead of the climax burning her out, Mercury is shining even brighter than ever, her eyes overflowing with an expression of uninhibited lust.

“Now it’s your turn,” the planet blurts. “Turn around.”

I do as I’m told, letting the gorgeous planet begin to maneuver my body into position. She starts simple enough, kissing and caressing me as she drops down behind, but soon enough she’s pushing me forward so that I’m in the doggystyle position.

Now that I know what’s happening, I pop my ass out towards her, arching my back as I playfully wiggle my rump from side to side. I reach around and hold myself open for Mercury, giving her a good look, then slap my rump.

“Get to it!” I command.

The sentient planet doesn’t need to be told twice, immediately diving in and beginning to lick my pussy from behind.

For living so far from Earth, Mercury sure knows her way around the human body. She’s licking me just right, her tongue moving both rapidly and gently across my clit as the sensations begin to flood through me. I close my eyes tight, allowing all of my nerves to focus on accepting these incredible feelings as they flow through my body.

“Oh fuck! You’re eating me so good!” I scream.

“I’m just getting started,” Mercury continues.

“That’s what I like to hear,” I snarl in return. “Give me everything you’ve got.”

“How about a tongue in that ass?” the living planet continues.

“Fuck yes,” I scream, despite the fact that I’ve never tried this particular move before.

Without hesitation, Mercury positions herself ever so slightly upward, her tongue now poised directly over my butthole. She starts in a similar manner, tickling me and playing with the rim, but before long the gorgeous planet is plunging her tongue deep into me with reckless abandon, completely losing control and eating my ass with ravenous enthusiasm.

“I love it!” I squeal wildly.

As Mercury continues to eat me out she slips her fingers within my pussy, getting back to work and causing the blossoming tension of an impending orgasm to bloom even larger within the pit of my stomach. It feels strange, but not unwelcome to be stimulated in this way, almost too much but still hitting the spot just right.

Like I said, Mercury knows what she’s doing.

I begin to shake hard as the sentient planet pushes me closer and closer to the edge of orgasm. I can feel my body pulling tight as it attempts to run away from these sensations, but I do everything I can to relax. The point of no return enters my consciousness in waves, looming larger and larger but finally pulling back at the last second before they’re allowed to crest.

“I’m so fucking close,” I groan.

Suddenly, as though egged on by my cries, a powerful orgasm erupts through my frame, completely sweeping me away in a sea of blissed out sensation. I throw my head back and scream, not a care in the world who hears me.

Meanwhile, Mercury belligerently eats my butthole, carrying me through this entire experience with expert precision.

When I finally finish I collapse to the ground in a fucked silly haze. Mercury pulls her face away from my butt, then lies down next to me and holds me close.

“That was amazing,” I gush.

“I hope it helps,” Mercury offers in return. “Sorry about all that bad luck.”

I suddenly remember how all of this got started in the first place; my bad breakfast, the flat tire, the car crash, and the presentation at work that I’m gonna miss. Those misfortunes had completely overwhelmed my thoughts just moments earlier and yet, while this sentient planet and I were making love, I’d completely forgotten about them.

What started as a utilitarian performance has evolved into something so much more.

I pull Mercury closer to me, feeling the warmth of her spherical body against mine.

“I don’t really care about any of that stuff anymore,” I admit.

Mercury draws back a bit so she can get a look at my expression, clearly confused by my admission. “Wait, really?”

I nod. “Really. Maybe your position in the sky causes bad luck, maybe it doesn’t. Honestly, it doesn’t really matter because right now I know that I want to be with you. I’m willing to ride it out and see what happens whether you’re in retrograde or not.”

The sentient planet looks deeply touched by this, and as I observe her face a single tear wells up in the corner of her eye and rolls across her cheek.

“Most people don’t take me as I am,” Mercury admits. “They only want me when I’m in a position that suits them.”

“I want you in any position you’ve got,” I continue.

The two of us lay here for a while longer and then finally climb to our feet, dusting ourselves off as we come back down from our erotic high.

“I wish I could hang out a little longer,” I offer, “but I’ve got to get to work. Although, I’m probably gonna be fired by the time I get there. I’m super late.”

“Need a lift?” Mercury questions. “I’m enormous, much bigger than Earth. If you hop on I can rotate just the tiniest bit so you can climb off at your office.”

“You can do that?” I start, blown away.

The sentient planet nods.

I give Mercury the address of my job and then hop onto her surface for a split second, moments later I’m getting off on the curb out front of my office building. There’s still time to make my presentation.

“Oh my god, thank you so much,” I gush.

Mercury smiles. “I guess it’s lucky we met.”