EARLY ACCESS: Notes on Vanishing
Added 2025-04-24 01:50:09 +0000 UTCForcing myself to ask an unspeakable question: "Should trans people make ourselves disappear?"
Content warnings: discussion of transphobia & child grooming, footage of an intense police encounter I had.
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Still missing from the final version: credits, a bit of music, a couple minor visuals. If you'd rather wait, the final cut will be on Nebula & YouTube in about a week.
This video was an act of love, anger, and desperation. I put everything into it. I hope you enjoy <3
Comments
I take my routine medication on Thursday, and I often find myself jittery and weak the morning of, sometimes I even wait a day, just to see how far I can go -- exercising that old habit of pushing myself. I'm sure you're familiar, probably we all are. Maybe it's just like being a teenager, a horny lover, a dying sun. Anyway, I watched your video and relieved myself of so many tears and fears. Thank you for sharing. Trans Day of Not Getting Deported By Any Means Necessary, or at least making sure people know exactly who it is they're fighting for if push comes to shove. Flowers now -- Freedom, Love, Orgasms, Wins, Ecstasies, Raves, Seducing Billionairs? We gotta workshop what the letters mean. Possibly forever, maybe just for a long time.
kyrr kark
2025-07-19 22:02:54 +0000 UTCThe algorithm suggested this to me, I watched, and then immediately subscribed here. An incredible, powerful piece. Thank you for being rad.
Maxine
2025-05-12 02:26:28 +0000 UTCI waited until the completed Nebula cut. This is probably your best work yet. Technical bits like the CCTV footage and the field of view shrinking to a small, claustrophobic box during the protest were brilliant, but so was the overall narrative. The ending was perfect, and there were a few tears throughout. As a member of The Transexual Menace, it gave me a lot to think about. What we do is often self-labeled as visibility, but I think what we really do is simply make sure that our voices aren't drowned out by those who want to erase us. We are here. And we deserve to live.
Erika Valentine
2025-05-02 11:33:41 +0000 UTCIncredibly powerful, beautiful and heart wrenching. Thank you for creating and sharing this incredible piece
Lynn
2025-04-26 16:17:00 +0000 UTCWaiting for the nebula release because it lets me delay. I know this one's going to cause me to cry and I want my partner around for it.
Tracheotomy Junkie
2025-04-25 07:29:28 +0000 UTCGreat work as usual, thank you for your dedication to it. I don't know why but I started crying watching the protest footage... On another note, this kind of resonates with my own experience, even though I'm in a country that's safe and I've never had any trouble except online. A few months after I started transitionning (like early 2016), after I came out to my friends and family, I came out online. I also created an Instagram account, initially thinking I could use it to document my transition. Had the trans flag in my bio, hashtags transisbeautiful and all that. Appart from pictures of cool things I saw, I would also regularly post selfies. I would not get a lot of engagement except from friends and family, and the occasionnal creep who wanted me to post feet or would ask the usual weird stuff. But I was still quite content with my situation. At some point though, I had a realization that hit me like a train : "I'm gonna be on the job market soon enough". And the prospect of being seen by strangers suddenly felt horrible. So I immediatly deleted all my selfies and everything related to my transition or to LGBT+ stuff in general from my socials. That was in 2019 or 2020, and the only thing loosely related to pride that I posted since then was last year when I went to see Drag Race Live and took some pics of the show. It's not like I'm completely stealth though. My partner knows, my friends and family know, and in practice, most people I meet and spend a little bit of time with in my personnal life, I end up coming out to them in some way or another, sooner or later. But my boss doesn't know, my collegues don't know, my friend's friends don't know (unless I've been outed to them which I wouldn't necesseraly know) and strangers don't know. I only post pics of cool things I see now, but never of myself. I don't have a trans flag pin on my bag anymore. It's definitely been quieter, I dont get a lot of the unwanted attention that comes with being visibly trans. The harassement either IRL or online, the people telling me I will burn in hell, the chasers asking me to be their dommy mommy, the cis women projecting their insecurities on me ("You're a GUY ?? But you're more feminine than ME !!!"), the invasive questions... I haven't been getting any of that in years now. But I can't help but feel like I'm a bit of a coward to be honest. It's weird trying to reconcile the fact that I'm not fully visible with the fact that I needed other people's visibility to allow myself to come out and be in the place I am today. Maybe it's time I get back to my local LGBT+ center.
Lu
2025-04-24 09:26:39 +0000 UTCBlew me away as usual. You always give me chills, every time, and open my eyes to something that I really need to see. Thank you, thank you.
Marissa Daoust
2025-04-24 06:42:22 +0000 UTCWow Lily! Amazing, touching, terrifying video. Thank you, for your immense effort remains visible.
frogsmore
2025-04-24 05:51:38 +0000 UTCThat was amazing. I've been working on disappearing in place, though I've thought about moving abroad and have had several people strongly suggest I do so, a couple with specific and seemingly outlandish ideas. Thanks for making this video, I've been asking myself where we went wrong, though I came to the same conclusion you did - we were scapegoated by those in power and just didn't have the resources to win that fight.
Sylvia Quinn
2025-04-24 04:08:40 +0000 UTCit is incredible how naturally this video transitions from essay to documentation of a protest then back to essay as you setup a tripod and start monologuing in between incidents with police? it goes hard great work as usual
silentcrystaltears
2025-04-24 03:54:39 +0000 UTCi was thrilled to see this Patreon notification, and I paused what I was doing to give this my full attention. I feel pulled in many directions in this moment: wanting to disappear, but also to declare my presence in any and every possible way. This video gave me so much to think about when it comes to identity and safety and community, especially for those still grappling with their sense of self, and I will surely come back to upon final release, possibly before then as my thoughts come together. Personally energising, and, as always, artistically inspiring. I enjoyed the aspect ratio just as much as I thought I would—which is very much—and I was excited by how you played with the extra space throughout the video. Bookmarking 75 SHOTS as well!
Ainsley Ellis
2025-04-24 03:09:49 +0000 UTCOh no, is that the wrong way?? I pronounced jt both ways in different takes, just in case 😅
Lily Alexandre
2025-04-24 03:02:22 +0000 UTCAnother great video, really thought-provoking. I've never heard of those 75 SHOTS films, it's an interesting idea. One thing that stood out to me: did you pronounce "pithy" as "pi-thy"?
Reginald Excellent
2025-04-24 03:01:34 +0000 UTC
