The Perfect Man [Part 1 - The Living Room]

Ochako giggled, whispering something to Tsuyu at her side, and Izuku couldn’t help but peer over at them curiously. They’d been huddled in a corner with a magazine in their laps for the better part of the last hour, slowly amassing a cluster of the class’s girls, and Izuku was growing more and more curious by the minute.

“Hey, Midoriya!” Mina piped up, when she saw him looking. “Do you have a minute?”

Ochako thumped her in the arm, hissing something he couldn’t make out, but Mina just ignored her.

“Ah, s-sure,” he nodded. “What can I help you with?”

“What’s your favourite food?”

“Mine?” he blinked at her. “I really like katsudon, why?”

“Just curious!” she grinned. “Is it the pork part you like?”

“Yeah, and the sauce. Any kind of meaty, saucy stuff is usually really good.”

“That’s a good choice!”

“Um, thank you?”

Tsuyu giggled, nudging Ochako lightly, and Izuku frowned at them – he’d never seen Ochako’s face quite so red before for no apparent reason. There was clearly some kind of weird joke going on that he was missing, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask. If they wanted him to know, they’d have told him, right?

“Eijirou likes anything with meat in it too,” Kyoka said quietly. “Isn’t that right, Mina?”

“Yup!” she laughed. “All part of that manly image, I guess.”

“Is eating meat manly?” Izuku asked, unable to resist.

“Yeah! I mean, I can’t imagine a guy taking me out on a date and ordering a salad, that just seems so weird, you know?”

“What’s wrong with salad?”

“As part of a dish, salad is great. But just a salad? That’s definitely a girly meal.”

Izuku frowned again, but he didn’t bother to argue. He didn’t know much about being girly, after all. It seemed weird in general to label foods as manly or girly, but hey, who was he to judge?

“Do you think any of the guys would order a salad?” Tsuyu asked. “In our class, I mean.”

“Not now that you’ve told me it’s girly!”

“You’re such a good friend,” Ochako laughed. “I bet Aoyama likes salad.”

“Aoyama likes anything with cheese in it. I guess that includes salad.”

Mina scribbled something on the piece of paper in her lap, and Izuku titled his head slightly. Was she keeping track of everyone’s favourite foods for some reason? Maybe for their birthdays? That was sweet of her, but surely she could just ask everyone outright!

“What are your thoughts on omurice?” Tsuyu continued. “That’s saucy too.”

“Doesn’t everyone like omurice?” Izuku asked warily. “Is that another girly food too?”

“Nope!” Mina laughed brightly. “Everyone likes omurice, like you said. Have you ever tried to make it?”

“Sure, it was one of the first things I learned to cook from my Mom.”

“You must be pretty good at it by now, then!”

“I guess so? It’s pretty simple, isn’t it?”

“Sure, but delicious! And kids love it, so it’s great for being a dad!”

“I think we’re a little young to think about being parents yet!”

“True! But do you think you’ll get married one day?”

“If you wanted to interview me, you should have just asked.”

Mina laughed at him, abandoning their corner to flop down on the couch beside him, handing him a colourful magazine.

“Fifteen Traits of the Perfect Man?” he read, eyebrows knitting together.

“We were talking about it a bunch, and we all agree that it’s super accurate! So we’ve been talking about who here fits the most of the fifteen things!”

“And what, you’re tallying them up?”

“Yeah!”

“But don’t you think some would matter more than others? If you just count them it doesn’t tell you much, right? You’d need, like, a checklist or something.”

“That’s genius!” Tooru exclaimed, fumbling for a notebook and a pen. “We can see who the most dateable guys in the class are!”

“Wait, that’s not what I said!” Izuku insisted, cheeks warming. “I didn’t mean for our class, I meant, like, for someone you’re gonna date!”

“Nah, this is way more fun,” Mina grinned. “Thanks for the idea, Midoriya!”

“I hate myself so much.”

Momo smiled at him sympathetically, but it was too late – the girls were already drawing up their little table, listing all their classmates down the left hand side to start checking things off.

“Smiles a lot,” Tooru began, writing it in the first column. “Who smiles a lot?”

“Kiri, Kami, Sero,” Mina listed off, counting on her fingers. “Midoriya, of course.”

“You don’t need to include me!” Izuku insisted, blushing.

“And Aoyama, I’d say,” Tooru added, writing them all down. “The others not so much, they’re more serious.”

“Kacchan smiles a lot,” Izuku argued, hating himself for not just staying out of it.

“What? Since when?” Mina laughed. “I never see Blasty smile, what planet are you on?”

“He does,” Izuku grumbled, shrugging. “Not, like, the way Kaminari does, but he does.”

“Alright, give a half point to his Kacchan,” Mina allowed. “I can’t handle that kicked puppy look.”

With a few little chuckles shared among the group, Tooru noted it down, the pen spinning in circles in thin air when she stopped to think.

“Has a lot of friends,” she read next. “Everyone in our class is friends with everyone else, right? How do we judge that?”

“I guess close friends?” Ochako suggested. “Like, Kouda gets along with all of us, but he only actually hangs out with like two people, you know?”

“Yeah, I think something like... if they wanted to go to the mall, how many people would end up going with them?” Tsuyu suggested. “Or if they said they were going to get food, how many people would say ‘oh I’ll come too’, you know?”

“I like that,” Ochako agreed. “I’d say Kirishima and Kaminari and Sero again, then. Half the class would be happy to join them.”

“For sure,” Mina agreed. “Todoroki too, he always seems to have a little cluster of bees buzzing around him.”

“Yeah! Todoroki is really popular!”

“Midoriya for sure,” Tooru continued, checking them all off. “Bakugou?”

“Surprisingly, yeah,” Mina hummed. “I mean, he has our whole squad, plus you Ochako, and Iida, and Todoroki, and their buddies from the other schools, and of course His Deku.”

“Kacchan has always been popular,” Izuku agreed. “Even when he’s grumpy, people still hang around him.”

“What about Iida?” Tooru asked, her pen sliding back up the page. “I think he has a few close friends, but we probably wouldn’t say a lot, right?”

“Yeah, I think he’s close to it, but not quite,” Ochako agreed. “He’s a huge sweetie, but most people don’t see that, behind all the rules and everything.”

“I guess that means we can tick off ‘is kind and gentle’ for him, though?”

“Definitely!”

Izuku couldn’t decide if he wanted to keep listening or to run away. He was morbidly curious to hear what all the girls thought about the boys of the class, and knew the others would want him to report back when they found out, but it was just so hard to listen to.

“I think everyone in our class is kind and gentle,” Momo said softly.

“Except Bakugou,” Kyoka snorted.

“And Mineta,” Tsuyu added, pulling a face.

Part of Izuku wanted to protest, wanted to tell them about how Katsuki had always rescued baby birds from the stray cats in the park when they were kids, but he knew they would never let Katsuki live it down. Katsuki would kill him for saying a word of it, so instead he kept his mouth shut, trying to focus on the article he’d been trying to read on his phone, before the girls had distracted him so much. He couldn’t help but think about the day a few weeks prior, though, when he’d found Katsuki sitting under a tree in the sun, a fluffy cat snoozing across his thighs.

He’d just have to silently correct them on his own mental checklist.

“Has a short hairstyle,” Mina read, leaning over to read the list. “I still think that one doesn’t count, it’s too much on personal preference!”

“Plus, what’s considered short?” Tsuyu wondered.

“Yeah! Like, look at Midoriya!” Tooru waved her pen in his direction. “It’s not long, I couldn’t walk over there and put it in a ponytail, but I wouldn’t call it short either.”

“Why do I keep becoming the example?” Izuku whined.

“Because you’re right there!” Ochako laughed. “And you score well on most of it, so it’s not like we’re insulting you!”

“I’d say Midoriya and Todoroki are a no,” Tooru decided. “Tokoyami, Mineta, and Kouda don’t count.”

“Iida and Ojiro are a yes for sure,” Ochako added. “If Todoroki is a no, so is Kaminari.”

“Agreed. Kirishima is a no too.”

“Sero?” Mina continued. “He’s borderline.”

“Sero is a good question,” Tooru mused. “Shoji and Sato are an easy yes though.”

“If Kirishima is a no, I think Sero has to be too.” Ochako suggested. “When it’s not spiked up it’s almost the same.”

“I’d say it’s a little longer, but you’re not wrong.”

“And what about-”

Ochako cut herself off in a hurry when the door opened, every pair of eyes darting up to watch as Katsuki kicked off his shoes at the door.

“That’s a yes,” Ochako laughed.

“You got a hair cut, Blasty!”

“No fuckin’ kidding,” Katsuki muttered, shoving his shoes aside to keep people from tripping on them. “Doesn’t just magically stay short, idiot.”

“It looks good!”

“Shut up.”

Despite his complaint, Katsuki’s cheeks turned faintly pink at the compliment. He’d always been shy about being praised, tended to get embarrassed and yell at people for it when others would thank them, and while Izuku would never say it out loud, he found it super endearing.

“Yes,” Tooru mumbled, ticking it off. “Okay, um... Asks if you’re okay when you’re feeling down?”

“The fuck kind of nonsense are you lot spouting?” Katsuki asked, grimacing.

“You don’t want to know,” Izuku mumbled.

Too late. 

Katsuki leaned over to look, spotting the list of names and the stupid article, and snorted at it derisively.

“You guys actually read that shit?” he asked, rolling his eyes. “Who cares what some random voters decided? You like whatever the fuck you like.”

“Well yeah,” Mina rolled her eyes. “But a lot of girls agree on these ones! That’s the whole point!”

“Gross.”

“Well we know one person who’s getting a no on the are-you-okay section,” Tooru laughed.

It took every ounce of his willpower for Izuku to stay silent, but thankfully Mina did it for him, shaking her head faintly as she glanced up, meeting Katsuki’s eyes for just the briefest moment.

“He does,” she said quietly. “All the time.”

“What? No way.”

Mina pulled her phone from her pocket, scrolling back to a message that could only have been a few days old with how quickly she found it, and Katsuki huffed as she showed Tooru the screen.

“Wow, I was not expecting that.”

“He’s good,” Ochako added softly, holding out her own phone for a second. “He always notices.”

Kyoka was next, and even Momo, Katsuki’s face growing redder as one by one they showed off their own little messages from him. Izuku knew they were probably a lot like the ones he’d received himself, something like what the fuck is going on with you or start talking, shithead but they all knew what those words really meant.

“Alright, Bakugou gets a tick,” Tooru agreed, marking it with overly-exaggerated motions. “Says a lot that I’ve never gotten one of those messages, but I digress...”

“I don’t have your phone number, you ghost fuck,” Katsuki growled. “Don’t gimme that sob story pity shit, it ain’t my fault you never gave me your number or your usernames.”

“You never asked!”

“Why the fuck would I ask for that? Not like I want it. These pieces of shit just bombarded me one day out of nowhere.”

“Believe it or not, Great Explosion Murder God Dynamite is a pretty unique username on literally every social media platform.”

“Shut up, Pink-Ass.”

“Never.”

“I’d say the only no-people for that are Kaminari and Todoroki,” Ochako suggested. “Just because they’re too oblivious to notice if you’re feeling down.”

“And Sero, for the same reason,” Mina agreed. “I think everyone else is good at asking, and at trying to cheer you up somehow!”

“What else is on this shitty list?” Katsuki asked, sitting down and snatching the magazine from them. “Drinks cola? What the fuck is that about?”

“It’s because it’s a foreign brand,” Kyoka explained, when he leaned over to shake it at her stubbornly. “We discussed this earlier. Foreign brands are cool, I guess.”

“Who gives a shit where drinks are made? That shit is terrible for your teeth. I lecture the nerd about this constantly, he’s gonna have dentures by the time he’s twenty.”

“So, that’s a tick for Midoriya?” Mina laughed. “I don’t know what anyone in the class drinks, that’s gonna be a tough one.”

“We might have to test it out!” Tooru suggested. “We can offer to go on a convenience store run, and ask everyone what drinks they want!”

“But half of them will pick something cheap or say no,” Momo pointed out. “Maybe next time we’re at the mall we can investigate?”

“Ooooh, class mall trip!” Mina agreed eagerly. “Okay so what if we each arrange to go to the mall with our friend groups tomorrow, and just happen to meet up and decide to get lunch together? Then we can see what everyone picks!”

“Um, hello?” Katsuki huffed. “Me and the nerd are right here, idiot.”

“Well duh,” Mina huffed right back. “But you just told us that Midoriya drinks cola, and we all know that you don’t because you’re an obsessive health nut, so you guys don’t count!”

“I’m gonna tell all those fuckers your dumb plan.”

“Oh yes, social butterfly Bakugou Katsuki is going to go talk to every classmate by tomorrow morning. Genius.”

“Shut up. Deku can do it.”

“Leave me out of this!” Izuku squeaked. “I didn’t sign up for this!”

“Let us have our fun,” Mina pouted, nudging Katsuki with her toes. “It’s just a few little experiments, what harm could it do?”

“Famous last words,” Izuku mumbled, more to himself than any of the others.

“Whatever. I ain’t coming.”

“I guess you just lose by default, then,” Kyoka shrugged. “Just give him a ‘no’ on everything, Hagakure.”

“Can do!”

“Hold the fuck up,” Katsuki barked. “I would destroy this competition, shitheads!”

“Great!” Tooru said brightly. “We’ll see you tomorrow at the mall, then!”

Katsuki growled, but he knew he’d hit an impasse. No matter what he said, he was just going to be digging himself into an even deeper hole.

“Speaking of competitions,” Ochako smiled sweetly, though her eyes betrayed a hint of scheming. “We’ve decided we all want omurice for dinner, who do you think makes the best omurice in the class?”

“Don’t try this on me, fucker, I know the game you’re playing.”

“Oh, it’s okay, I know it’ll be Todoroki or Sato, so you don’t have to compete!”

“The halfie moron? He can’t even turn on a stove. You want him to cook you an omelette in his hand or some shit?”

“That would be pretty cool!”

“Fuck off, his omelette would be shitty as hell.”

“I guess we’ll find out! It’ll be better than yours, at least, since you don’t want to play.”

“I know exactly what you’re doing, asshole.”

“But you’re gonna cave anyway,” Ochako pointed out, smirking. “Even when you know we’re stringing you along, you still can’t resist a challenge.”

“Fuck you.”

“Thanks in advance for the omelette, Bakugou!”

“You’re gonna pay for this.”

[Next Chapter]