Office Perks- Chapter 3

A slim, bored looking woman with hair such a severe shade of pale blonde it was neatly translucent stepped out of the elevator, head down as she typed on the phone she held with both hands. She didn’t look up as she navigated through the maze of assistant desks to one in front of an office diagonal from Tatianna's, pulling her chair out, sitting down, and scooching it into the divet of the desk without ever pausing her text. Tatianna watched her for a few moments but the girl stayed engrossed in the phone, typing and occasionally scrolling as she stared intently. 

Tatianna felt awkward and unsure what to do. Should she really ask this girl, who was clearly not only an assistant, but also not her assistant, for directions about starting her day? How would that look?

 Before she had anymore time to think about it the elevator dinged again, and she turned towards it’s sleek metal doors as a frazzled looking, almost disheveled man in his mid 30s basically stumbled out, a briefcase overflowing with papers and a backpack with multiple open compartments threatening to dump their contents hanging from each arm. He wore a mustard yellow button up that was both wrinkled and untucked paired with stiff dark wash jeans and adorned with a green corduroy vest. His glasses were thick, frameless, and smudged to what had to be near impermeability by a network of fingerprints. His brown hair was the hue of cherry wood and it seemed to nearly explode some his head in a variety of different textures, the front a minefield of stiff, fuzzy tufts with curls fighting their ways through the open spaces while the back was clipped short. His hair looked a bit like a roughly styled tumbleweed, thought Tatianna, taking him in. It reached just past his ears where it tufted out awkwardly in a way that couldn’t have been purposeful, adding to the overall impression that the man was in a rush. 

When he stepped out of the elevator however, it became clear that the sense of urgency was outward alone. The man yawned, standing in place for a full moment to let his head fall back and his eyes squeeze closed. He stretched, seemingly unconcerned about the tenuous situation of the overstuffed bags he held, then meandered towards Tatianna’s office. He nodded at the woman in the far corner who was still engrossed in her phone who nodded back somehow without looking up, then seemed to notice Tatianna for the first time through her office window. He straightened up and headed more purposefully to the desk outside her office, dropping his bags on his desk before turning and knocking on her door. 

She stared at him for a second too long before gesturing him inside, awash in the awkwardness of knocking on a door while staring the room’s only occupant in the eye. The man opened the door and stood at the threshold, allowing Tatianna to take him in fully. His outfit was even stranger up close, and the mismatched, disheveled man looked at her expectantly as if she had knocked on his door. 

“Yes?” She finally asked hesitantly 

“Yes.” The man repeated. “I mean, hi. You’re Cosinger?” 

“Yea," said Tatianna, speaking slowly to avoid any falter in her words. “Yes,” she repeated more firmly, "Tatianna Cosinger.” “I’m Brian,” said the man, taking a few steps closer to extend his hand over the desk. Tatianna offered her hand and he took it in a weak grip, shaking it loosely before stepping back. 

“I’m your assistant. I actually was supposed to be here earlier than you but I guess you've been here?” He says with a questioning intonation, his eyes falling to the small wastebasket crammed with the deflated greasy paper bag and two empty creamy caramel cloud latte cups. 

Tatianna reddened and looked down, embarrassed to have been caught in the act like that. 

“Yea,” she stuttered, trying to even her voice. “Yea I just wanted to try out the amenities and all the stuff, there’s so much stuff here and I love to try stuff and…” she pauses mid ramble, trying to steady herself. There is no reason to be nervous, she tells herself firmly. He probably wants to impress you as much as you want to impress him. 

She lifted her head to peek at him, and saw a slight wrinkle of concern in his forehead as he waited for her to go on. “I’m nervous,” she finally admits for the second time that morning. “I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve normally gotten an agenda by now and I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s almost 10:30 and nobodies even here, what could possibly get done today? I’m just lost,” she finishes. 

Brian smiled at her, a gently teasing smile. “You’re nervous cause you have no work to do? You’re in for it here,” “What do you mean?” Tatianna asked.

 “You don’t work here,” he replied. “I mean, nobody does,” he corrected when he saw the panic rise on her face. “None of the executives come in to work, basically ever. There’s nothing for them to do, they don’t have reports, they don’t have meetings, it’s all handled on the operations level. The executives basically just have vanity titles, they don’t actually do anything. And because they don’t, we don’t,” he said with a sweeping gesture to the smattering of assistants desks. 

“Sometimes we come in if we have nothing better to do but how can you assist somebody with no work? I mean, it seems like a huge waste to me to even have the lights on, but they exploit the loopholes and the whole building is a massive tax write off that basically only gets used during the holiday party.” He grins again. “It’s a great racket. The only reason I’m actually here today is because it’s your first day, I’m supposed to introduce myself and give you my number so you can never use it.”

Tatianna’s mind races as she tries to take in everything she just heard. The executives at Teleremidus Inc. don’t actually do anything? How is it possible that when she was working for crumbs and sleeping in a glorified warehouse she was doing more work than her bosses? With no agenda and no meetings she didn’t even have extra work to invent, what were her days going to look like. What was she going to do? 

“So,” she mustered, still trying to formulate the right question. “So now what? What do I do?” 

Brian opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by Tatianna’s sudden gasp.

The promotion. Her promotion. She’d worked so hard and given everything to rise in the company and she couldn’t stop now, but how could she possibly get promoted on the merit of her work if she had no work to show off?

“A promotion, how do people get promotions?” she rushed out. “Can you get a promotion? I mean how even would you? How do people get past VP? Because I want, I mean, I need…” she paused, collecting herself. “I came here to get promoted,” she said firmly. 

“Right…” said Brian an intermingling of confusion and concern at Tatianna outburst reoccupying his expression. Well you can be. Usually someone’s promoted every year, they announce it at the Christmas party.”

Her heart leapt. Maybe she’d be on the 10th floor sooner than 5 quarters, maybe she’d get there this year. A dream come true. 

“Someone just got promoted at the last one a few months ago,” continued Brian. “The party is always on December 20th, it’s open bar, they do a secret Santa, the whole nine yards. And the promotion,” he added quickly, seeing the question forming on Tatianna’s lips, “was given to a guy at the President level, he got bumped to the c-suite.”

“How?” blurted Tatianna. 

“I mean, he was here.”

“He was here? Here at the party?”

“No, here at the office. There’s no work to do, so the only factor that goes into considerations for promotions is the badge check in hours you log. Whoever’s logged the most at the end of year moves up.”

“That’s all?” protests Tatianna incredulously. I just have to physically be here? But…but that’s ridiculous. It’s too easy.”

Brian shrugged. “Nobody else tries,” he said. “These people are rich, they got these jobs through networking. All they care about is the executive title and the paycheck, I guess they have better things to be doing than working. He grinned drolly. “I heard the last guy to get promoted got the hours from staying overnight in the mental recharge suites while his kitchen was being renovated”

Tatianna sat back in shock. “So,” she said slowly. “If I come here everyday, I’m basically guaranteed a promotion by Christmas.” Brian shrugged again. “I mean I guess, but I really don’t see why you’d want to.” He frowned, then laughed. “You’re not gonna make me come in, are you? I barely make anything but this is the cushiest job I’ve ever had, I’d hate to start actually doing it.”

Tatianna sat back upright, too distracted to chuckle at his joke. “No no,” she said. “Of course not.” She looks up sharply. “It’s just my hours logged, right?” 

“Just your hours,” he confirms.

“Then no, there’s no reason for you to come in at all I guess.” 

“I mean, there’s really no reason for any of us to come in. I’m telling you Ms. Cosigner, you don’t want that promotion.”

Taitianna felt awkward being called Ms. Cosigner by a man older than she was, and much to her dismay she reddened again. “Tatianna is fine,” she corrected. “Why don’t I?”

“Why would you? What’s the difference? It just means you’d be sitting alone with no work to do on the 10th floor instead of the 9th, it barely comes with a pay bump! it’s a meaningless title, a glorified participation trophy basically. Weren’t you in operations before you got here? It should be a welcome break, right?”

“It’s not,” she intoned firmly, emotion tingeing the edge of her words. She was beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed at the influx of new information. “It’s not a welcome break. I’ve worked too hard to stop now, I'm getting that holiday promotion and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here by myself completely alone everyday.”

“Hey it’s ok,” said Brian, instantly noticing the quaver in her voice. “It’s ok, it’s totally ok. There’s a ton to do, you won’t be bored for a second. This place is like a 5 star resort mixed with a Michelin star restaurant, it’s the best possible place to have nothing to do.”

Tatianna nodded silently as she picked at the corners of her finger nails. 

“Look,” said Brian, “My fiancé knows I had to work for a few hours today so she’s not expecting me for a while. How about I give you a tour of the place, a real tour. The good tour, he emphasized when she looked up at him with an apprehensive smile. “The Briannn tour,” he drawled with exaggerated bravado. “Come on, it'll be fun,” he said, grinning as she scooted her chair back from her desk. “I know all the secret passageways.”