Alice and Norman and Ruth updated

It's been a long time since. Putting it up made me nostalgic so I had an impulse to look things up.

Sig died five or six years after closing his shop. I knew that already. I'd heard it from Alice. I sent flowers. We weren't surprised, even when I knew him, Sig was overweight, did no exercise, terrible diet and lifestyle habits. I remember it upset me.

The last time I talked to Alice, they were planning on retiring and closing up. Juanita had gotten married and moved on. Nothing on Ruth, she'd just disappeared.

After that, we fell out of touch. I guess everyone moved on. Ruth was the only other person I cared about back then. I exchanged a few Christmas Cards with Alice and Norman but that's about it. Honestly, people drift away from each other, and that's natural.

But putting up the Chapter, re-reading and revisiting that part of my life got me thinking about them. So I decided to just go looking back, touch base, reconnect with that little chapter.

So anyway, here's what I found: It was all gone.

Google Earth, Google street view, nothing was the same as I remembered. The hotel, the restaurant, it wasn't there any more. Some apartment building had replaced the whole thing. The greasy spoon all the girls and boys my age had hung out with was gone. The gravel quarry wasn't there either - it looks like half of it got redeveloped. There's a street grid overlapping where it should be, and the rest seems to be a park.

The building that Sig's store was in, wasn't there. I remember exactly what it looked like. Run down place. Gone. So much new on that street I only sort of recognized one building. But the rest? Even the street numbers don't match up properly.

All the streets were still there of course. But you can tell the area had expanded, there was more urban density and redevelopment. Back then, we'd been on the outskirts, drive for a couple of minutes and you were going by farmers fields. Now its all subdivisions. Going around on street view, there were a few things I recognized - A MacDonald's a Burger King. The mall was still there, but now its dead, surrounded by chain link. Buildings, but the storefronts were different.

I hunted them down. I found Norman at a rest home. Alice had passed away about ten years ago. Stroke, she'd hung on for a year, and had even made some recovery, then zap. I had no idea, it hurt to hear. I apologized. Norman sounded so frail on the phone, but he was lucid. We spent an hour getting up to date. He's in his eighties.

I tried looking up a few of the people I'd known from back then on social media. Leo, no trace of him... until I found his obituary. I found a few, some had moved on, some hadn't. There were pictures on social media, I was amazed by how some had aged - I mean - yikes!

It's hard to describe my feelings as I was doing this. I think maybe I shouldn't have done it, gone looking. In my mind, they're all as I remember, everything is as I remember. I remember the hallways and pushing the cart down, and casual banter with Alice or Juanita as we processed a hotel room. The greasy cheeseburgers at Mike's. Even the gravel quarry has this luminous beauty in my memory, the starkness of the night and the way it threw shadows, the shimmer of the scum pond, as I'd wrestle a cock out of someone's pants in a rusty pickup truck, giving head with the smell of engine oil and sweaty privates. You'd think I could never find that romantic or wistful. But it's there as a vivid memory.

And now these places are gone. It feels like... I don't know. A phantom limb. Does that make sense?

Then there's Ruth.

That was the scariest thing. I found her. She'd changed her name, so I had to jump through a few hoops. Norman didn't have any idea. But I tried a few things, and then in one of the places I looked I turned up a photo, and once I knew who to look for it was easy. Contact information turned right up.

Remember when you're a little kid, and that warm friendly glow of a stovetop looks so inviting, but at the same time, you're afraid to touch it?

Like that.

So what if I called? The number would probably be discontinued. Probably nothing there. But what if I did call and it was her. Maybe she'd be out and I could just leave a message. Its all texts nowadays, strange number, you just let it go to voicemail. But if it was her, what would I say? What did we have to say to each other? How could I justify even calling?

Nostalgia? What the fuck, eh?

In the end, I tried the number.

She picked up. Oh my god! My heart was racing. "What?" she sounded so bitchy and angry. I flashed back on her old free-floating anger. I was going to say wrong number and hang up. I really flustered, usually I'm together, but this time, it was tongue tied. She just pushed, until I told her my name, and asked if she remembered me. Stupid thing to say. I was sure she remembered me. I just didn't know if it was a good memory.

Then ten seconds of dead silence.

Suddenly, this huge intake of breath, like she'd forgotten for a moment. And a squeal like a little girl, just total excitement.

"EVE-EL!!! You Who-er! You Liz-bo Who-er!"

It turned out she was thrilled to hear from me. We were on the phone for two fucking hours. When we finally hung up I was physically and emotionally wrung out.

So here's the story - Ruth lasted a few months. Without me, it was fucking unbearable. The pressure cooker of her life went into overdrive. I was gone from Phoenix by the time she finally broke.

So she went to Seattle. That had been my dream. She thought I might be there, but mainly, it was a dream place. She just needed to get out, some place to go, some place with that glow of desire and dreams.

I wasn't there, I was in Minneapolis.

Alice and Norman knew, but it seems that maybe they didn't really approve of whatever it was the two of us had going on. They never passed her my messages or me hers or any information on where I was.

I wish I didn't know that. But Alice is dead, and Norman's in a home. I didn't feel like calling him up to ask about that. What would he say? It would just be awkward. There wouldn't be any point.

I guess I've changed a lot. There was time in my life when that discovery would have left me furious.

Anyway: Ruth went to Seattle. Seattle was good for her, the best thing that could have happened to her. She came out within a month. She did all sorts of things, became a community activist - somehow I inspired her in that, according to her, I was the one that took no shit from no one, always stood up, never backed down (I'm thinking what the hell?). At one point she was in a punk rock Lesbian band. She got to be friends with Courtney love. Ran a bookstore. Did a bunch of things. Got pregnant and had a daughter. She lived an amazing life. I was impressed. I felt boring next to her.

She did look for me a few times, but back then I changed names like some people changed hats. It wasn't constant, but just now and then, when the impulse seized her. She found me at U of Hamilton, after I'd graduated and moved on. The trail was cold, but it made her happy to know I'd made out okay. And I showed up on the radar after my accident, but her life was pretty crazy then - middle of a very messy break up.

Oh yeah, daughter. She texted me a picture. A redhead. Looks way too much like me at that age. Just, almost creepy.

Seattle isn't far from Vancouver, so she's coming to visit.

She arrives tomorrow, with her daughter.

I really don't know how I feel about that.

Yes, we had this torrid intense little affair thirty years ago. But for me, that's all it was. The so many people passed through my life, before and after. So many passed between my legs. After her, I went through so many things, I had relationships, children, reconciled with my family, watched people die, built a career and a life. She was a chapter, a part of a chapter.

But for her? I changed her entire life, I derailed everything. I'm this... star in her heaven. I don't know what to say to that. I want to apologize, but she seems happy.

On the phone we were great. Two hours just went like that, zip.

But now she's coming here.

I'm a bit freaked out.

I've been changing the names, obviously. But I don't want her finding and reading this. Or the chapter I uploaded last week. I might take them down, just to be safe. I definitely don't want her reading what I wrote. I don't know that she's understand. I might need to talk to her about it.

Maybe take all the Memoir pieces down.

Maybe.

Funny, this is really the first time I've thought about anyone that is in the Memoirs reading what I've written. I guess I figured changing the names would cover me. And if someone like Peter or Keith or anyone who recognized them ever found it and read it? Well fuck them, deal with what you did to me, assholes.

Oh fuck, my face picture is all over the place on this Patreon stuff. I should take it down!

I am freaking out.