#779 As You Like It

Oil the surfaceee.

Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle, sizzle.

The iron plate roars with heat.

Underneath, flames rage, heating the surface even further with the oil.

The heat feels oppressive, almost tangible from this distance.

The air above the superheated iron plate sways, creating a mirage.

Touching it would definitely result in a burn. 

Yet, I slosh even more oil on it.

“Gwohohoho...! Hotter, hotter...! Fire up, fire up!”

Watching me intensify the heat, our main subjects:

Kraken.

Giant Crab Desmask.

And the Horned Boar-slash-Square Boar.

Huddle closer, trembling in fear.

“Wh-What... What’s happening...?!”

“Continuously heating an incombustible metal...! Has the Saint gone mad, desumasu...?!”

“Minerals don’t burn, but they can get really hot... Oh, I see, oink!!!”

I wonder if anyone’s caught onto my intentions at this point.

“It’s a high-heat iron plate deathmatch, oink!!!!”

“A HIGH-HEAT IRON PLATE DEATMATCH?!”

That guess is way off the mark.

“The Saint will make us battle on this sizzling hot iron plate, snort! The loser falls and becomes a delicious dinner, making it an efficient way to duel, oink!!!”

That’s even worse than a yaki-dogeza, where you kneel in apology atop a hot iron plate.

Still, I don’t want to simply roast them whole. Some preparation would be nice.

“This is just a preparation for a delicious dish. The superheated iron plate is a tool for cooking.”

“That hellish thing is...a tool?!”

Well, it does seem like something you might find in hell.

But that’s not it.

I plan to cook ingredients on this iron plate, producing a hot, delicious meal.

And here are the ingredients!!!

“OHH?”

In a bowl-shaped container, there’s a mix of flour, eggs, shredded cabbage, and other ingredients.

I stir it all together vigorously!!!

Stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir...!!!

Once everything’s mixed to an indistinguishable state, it’s ready to be poured onto the hot iron plate with a SPLAAAT!!!

The iron plate goes SIZZLEEEEE!!!

Now, we wait.

When one side seems sufficiently cooked, I bring out the spatula!

“A spatula...?!”

“It sounds so ominous, desumasu...!”

No, it’s just a simple cooking tool.

It has no connection to a goddess who destroys all her spouse’s mistresses that you might have in mind.

Anyway, using the harmless spatula, I slide it under the semi-cooked mixture and...

Flip it over!!!

Flip, flip, flip...

Splat!

“OHHH?!”

Did you see that? My reversal skills are unmatched!

Using this technique, I’ve reset countless issues almost wrapped up back to square one!!!

Once both sides are well-cooked and have a nice sear, you probably know what’s coming next, right?!

Transferring the cooked dish onto a plate, I drench it in sauce and mayo, then sprinkle it with seaweed and bonito flakes. Can you guess what it is?!

It’s okonomiyaki!!!!!

“OKONOMIYAKI?!”

“Come, give it a try!!!”

I split the dish into portions for our three guests.

They each take a bite...!

“Mm?! What is this?!”

“The soft texture complements the rich flavor of the sauce! The mixture of wheat and various ingredients creates a complex taste and texture, desumasu!”

You guys sure can describe food well.

But maybe give it a bit more thought?

“Ah...! Is this...?!”

You noticed already, huh?

“Is that... pork inside, snort?!”

Absolutely right!

Boneless pork rib is essential for okonomiyaki!

The meat from the wild boar I caught earlier is nicely mixed into the batter!!!

“Fwooooooh! It sure is the meat of my kind! The tender fat makes me want to eat more, oink!”

It’s quite the sight seeing a boar enthusiastically munching on its own kind.

Is this still morally acceptable?

“Hey! What’s the meaning of this?!”

“You’ve only cooked the boar’s meat! You’re on the mountain creatures’ side, after all, desumasu!!!”

Well, I am a terrestrial creature, so...

But don’t worry.

You all should keep eating the okonimayaki and feel its texture.

“Hmm?!”

“What’s this...?!”

They’ve caught on.

The unique texture of seafood, that is!!!

Yes, the other essentials for okonomiyaki!

Shrimp and squid!!!

The main reason I brought okonomiyaki into this discussion is because of these variations!!!

There are pork, shrimp, and squid variations!

And they can all be mixed to create the ultimate mixed okonomiyaki dish!!!

Ingredients from the sea and the land!

Blended together with flour, they harmonize in flavor!!!

So, what I’m trying to say is, okonomiyaki is a harmonious dish that bridges the gap between sea and land!!!

“Wh-What, snort...?!”

Did you get that, horned boar?

That’s right. Instead of fighting, you all should collaborate to create even better flavors, just like this okonomiyaki!!!

And that’s the thought I put into this dish!!!

“Hold on a minute...!” interjects Kraken. “Okonomiyaki uses shrimp and squid, right? I’m an octopus, so where do I fit in?”

... 

Well, you see...

According to ancient legends, the Kraken takes on various forms!

Like a giant octopus!

Or a giant squid!

Or even a giant ray!

There it is! Giant squid! It’s on the list, see?!

You’re an octopus, but also kind of like a squid, right, Kraken?! So you’re safe! Barely, but still!

“I... I’m a squid?”

Yes! You have the feel of both octopus and squid!

Such is the majesty of the elder spirit Kraken!

The king of the sea!

“I’m just a crab though, desumasu...?”

Crabs are like shrimp’s relatives!

There’s no flaw in this logic!

Alright! Let’s all come together and start an authentic okonomiyaki party!

“YAAAAAAAAAY!!!”

Good, I managed to distract them...!

Taking sides here wouldn’t be good, so it’s best to gloss things over.

Whether it’s pork, squid, or shrimp, they’re all delicious. Let’s all just get along, shall we?

Fighting is pointless. Embrace every ingredient.

The iron plate is as vast and deep as the sea!!!

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* ヘラ (Hera) means spatula or the goddess Hera, hence the pun