#135 God’s Tongue

Yo, God. 

Stop fooling around.

Just kidding, I can’t say that out loud to an actual god.

“I’m not fooling around. I wanteth to maketh this nincompoop realizeth how wonderful bamboo-shoot rice is.”

“Could you please not read my thoughts?!”

He’s a god, all right. I can’t let my guard down even when I’m thinking to myself.

“...Um, let me get this straight, you descended to earth because you want to eat bamboo-shoot rice?”

“Yond is correct.”

“Isn’t ‘nincompoop’ a bit of an understatement for that?”

I had a vague preconception that whenever a god descends on the land, something grander would happen.

Is that not how things work?

“Thus is a matter of most wondrous importance to a god’s prestige. The fate of the world lies in each and every moveth thee maketh from anon on.”

Please, you’re exaggerating.

“Won’t thou halt thy actions, lief brother? Thy exaggerated manner of speaking is making the children of men trembleth with feareth,” says Poseidon as he proudly holds up his trident.

“Mine own brother from the earth hast a lacking valor habit of getting worked up as of late. There art times when that gent wouldst gleek even amongst us.”

According to Posideon, The God of the Earth and The God of the Sea had this conversation:

＊　　　　＊　　　　＊

Hades (H): I hella recommendeth thee tryeth the bamboo-shoot rice.

Poseidon (P): Thee nincompoop, lolol. Yond is food from the earth, lololol.

H: That’s not the pointeth; you’ll knoweth once thee give it a tryeth.

P: I can tell even without trying it, lololol. Nay food from the earth can surpass food in the divine realm, lololol.

H: Don’t just decide yond on thy own; I’ll smack thee.

P: Oh? LMAO, wanna do it, punk? lololol

＊　　　　＊　　　　＊

“Henceforth, that gent hath decided to give this bamboo-shoot rice a tryeth to finally settleth things,” says Hades with a completely straight face.

I entertained him with a meal, which was indeed bamboo-shoot rice, during his previous visit.

Hades must have liked the taste so much that he designated it as “food of the gods.”

I can’t believe he took things seriously over a simple rejection from Poseidon.

...But one thing for sure is that Poseidon’s tone of voice is provoking, even without that short flashback.

“Thou who is’t cameth from another world, I hest thee, in recognition of thy excellence and generosity, to serve us bamboo-shoot rice again. Make this clodpole Poseidon consume his words.”

...is what seems to be The God of the Underworld’s request.

I finally got the gist of things, but why must I have to be like the protagonist of a gourmet manga? 

Then again, we owe Hades a lot for countless times he granted our requests after summoning him.

Thanks to the blessing he gave my farm, our crops are growing far better than last year. On top of that, I’m further indebted to him for his adorable earth spirits’ help.

“I can’t say no to a request from the god, Hades, but...”

There’s one problem.

I didn’t prepare anything to make bamboo-shoot rice today.

“I have to go to the mountain dungeon’s Spring Area to gather fresh bamboo shoots first...”

Unfortunately, we don’t have bamboo shoots on hand right now.

Going to the bamboo grove now and digging up some bamboo shoots to take home with me to prepare them after removing their astringent taste will take more than a day to finish all together.

“If you could have told us your request in advance, I could’ve prepared it for you...”

You’ve already given Sensei an oracle, so you can at least do that much, right?

“Oh...”

“Hah-hah-ha! Mine own brother from the earth hast this habit of making mistakes in his arrangements whenever that gent gets worked up. That gent even messed up oft during the Creation.”

Wait, what?

Isn’t that a little too much to be a klutz?!

“Whatever shouldst we doth? Haply we shouldst returneth in the meantime and asketh those folk to summon us once again after our otherworlder hast did finish his preparations.”

“Huh? After I wenteth out of mine own way to maketh timeth for this just so I can knock down yond bragging of thine? Thee not realizeth how busy I am?”

“Hush! I knoweth thou are not busy!”

Please don’t instigate things further, God of the Seas.

Oh well.

“Gobukichi!”

“Yessir!”

“You know what to bring.”

After instructing Gobukichi, he went to the mansion and brought back something with him.

They were leftovers from today’s lunch, so offering them to a god felt humiliating. But since it’s an emergency, I’m left with no other choice.

“What’s yond?”

“I’ll turn them into green-peas rice.”

I hope they’re not thinking that I’m recycling food.

Unexpected times call for unexpected measures.

I made rice balls out of the leftovers.

It tastes good even if it’s cold.

Such is the strength of rice mixed in with ingredients.

“Please have this for the time being,” I say as I offer them the food.

Regret is already welling in my heart.

They are leftovers.

And I’m giving them to gods, of all beings!

Maybe I was too hasty. I should’ve taken my time to prepare something more decent.

Please notice my struggle and stop what you’re going to do!

“Thanketh thee for the meal.”

My prayers weren’t heard!

That’s a god for you, all right. They didn’t read the atmosphere at all!

Posideon, God of the Sea, chewed the cooled rice ball of green peas, swallowed it, licked the grain of rice off his fingertips...and spoke.

“...I declare green peas rice as the food of the gods.”

“Again?!”

I’m glad that he liked it, but aren’t they using their ‘food of the gods’ card too much?!

“Valorous! This is valorous! The glutinous texture of the rice combined with the chewiness of the green legume art the highlights! Above all, the lingering saltiness of it is exceptional! As I bethought, saltiness is the supreme gust!”

The God of the Seas begins reviewing the food.

“Right? Right? It’s still inferior to bamboo shoot rice, though.”

Please don’t butt in with an appeal to your favorite dish at the critical moment, Hades. 

You’re also shoving several rice balls down your throat.

“...Brother, it seems I wilt admiteth yond I wast wrong. It’s as thee hath said. The food this otherworlder maketh rivals with yond of the gods.”

“Hah-hah-ha. Honesty is a policy, beest t as a human 'r a god.  However, brother, thee can praise t as the most wondrous, but don’t thee bethink thy conducteth is lacking in moderation?”

“Hm?”

Poseidon stops chewing upon hearing Hades’ remark.

“Thou hast designated this green-peas rice as the food of the gods, but scrutinize t and thee shall seeth yond the ingredients hath used in it, such as the grains and beans, art all food of the earth.”

“Ngh!” 

“The same goeth for bamboo-shoot rice.  The perspiration and intellect yond reflects in this dish aside, as longeth as they’re blessings of the earth, there’s nay problem with me branding it as the food of the gods, but what about thee?”

Poseidon, God of the seas.

“Are thou, who rules the flotes, not going beyond thy authority by giving praise to the bounty of the earth? I don’t bethink thou were a senseless god like Zeus, or art thee? Hmm?”

Hades makes his own comeback.

I can understand how he feels, seeing how he was stirred up a lot up till now.

But I honestly don’t want our farm to be the cause of some divine war.

“Ngh!!!”

There’s a saying that he who instigates more is more prone to being provoked.

Poseidon is no exception to this, as he turns beet-red and is trembling.

“O’ visitor from another world!”

Now he’s turning to me?

“Yes, Your Mightiness?”

“In recognition of thy wisdom and justice, I commandeth thee to offer me a dish with ingredients from the flote! Then, I shalt giveth thee mine own blessing!