This week's episode comes directly from Joe's Stag Do. A stag do is where boys go to do podcasts, and we highly recommend it, especially to you, MISSUS. Gav quizzes Joe on the likes, dislikes, and historic whereabouts of his fiancée. Steve writes a poem to rival that one about your parents being bad for your bonce. Log commits horrors with language alone.
2023-05-26 15:31:48 +0000 UTC View Post
Sorry for the late Patreon post, this $4bn website wasn't accepting new episodes for about 48 hours there. As an apology, here is a magic trick.
Think of a breakfast meat. Now think of a member of the royal family. You were thinking of Black Pudding Camilla weren't you? No? Oh right, then you must have been thinking about the big man himself, ol' Charlie boy and his beautiful sausage fingers, each one inflated to 240PSI and fit to burst at the knuckles.
Log has done a feature all ...
2023-05-21 09:52:57 +0000 UTC View Post
Come, come inside my fortune telling tent young man, or is it young woman? My wizened old crone eyes can't see too well these days.
What... "crone"? No, no it's fine, I can say it because I am one, it's our word. No, yeah I know it's rooted in misogyny. We're reclaiming it, sort of like "queer". Oh god sorry I didn't realise you were queer. Oh god I've said it again. Right, turn over your cards. There. You'll meet a tall handsome stranger on a blimp, now get out of my tent.
...
2023-05-13 17:25:19 +0000 UTC View Post
Patrons, I am REALLY gassy right now.
In this one: Log does Mandalorian via Pussy Pals.
Steve does meat of the week.
Matt been stench in p*******.
God, I am so gassy.
2023-05-03 02:47:31 +0000 UTC View Post
PHello Patrons!
Here is an episode some of you have been waiting for and we hope it's worth the wait.
This is becoming a nice little tradition and we're excited to see where this greasy little adventure takes us next.
For now, please enjoy this latest instalment in the Kebabbies Saga and remember as the old saying goes - where there's spice, there's Skrebels! ...
2023-04-19 20:21:23 +0000 UTC View Post
HOLA PATARYONAS xxx
Hoik up your britches and join us in the Regular Features tide pool, but mind you don't step on a hermit crab or one of those cool wet slugs. They were here first and we are their guests in the tide pool. We must always remember that the wet slug is our hostess. Write it down. Write down in your copybook that the wet slug is your hostess before you get into the tide pool.
In this episode, Joe is visited by a Babadook who wants to set the record straight. And St...
2023-04-10 17:50:15 +0000 UTC View Post
Right on the heels of Episode 522 - it's Episode 5! 2! 3!
522 has ducked into a back alley in an attempt to escape the inevitable, but 523 has locked onto their scent. 522 looks around for anything they could use as a weapon, as the slobbering 523 approaches, dragging its lame, smoky leg across the hot cobbles.
523 has been injured in the chase, and 522, for the first time, notices a sense of profound sadness in its lumbering gait. 523 takes no pleasure from this process. It is si...
2023-04-04 07:52:05 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello patrons. No, it's not the Kebabbies episode just yet. That meaty boy is still percolating in our collective guts, and it will come blasting out at you when you and we least expect it.
In this one, Log has been spitting rhymes in Assassins's Creed Valhalla, Joe has been measured to within an inch of his life at the tailor, and Steve was moved to burps by Brendan Fraser's Oscars speech.
2023-03-25 16:55:44 +0000 UTC View Post
Where do YOU think celebreties go on holiday? I think Kylie goes to Filey, and Farrah Fawcett goes to Dorset. I'd be interested to know who YOU think goes to Skegness, in my new long form interview show, "Hello! Does anyone here rhyme with Skegness?".
Some high-ups in the industry told me "it didn't have legs", and maybe I should "consider other popular UK holiday destinations". To which I replied "no, just Skegness".
In this episode, Steve has utterly mangled a fingertip wi...
2023-03-02 10:48:57 +0000 UTC View Post
Honky tonk, patreons.
Do you think they added the "and decorator" bit to "painter and decorator" because people kept accidentally booking watercolourists to come in and do the spare room? Like these painters kept showing up with their easels, and the person's like, "you won't be needing that buddy-boy, here's some Farrow & Ball", and then we cut to the Tate Modern and there's a contractor rolling a second undercoat on to a Rothko while the guards try to rugby tackle him. Maybe that ...
2023-02-24 21:40:45 +0000 UTC View Post
Wham! Bam! Thank you, ma'am. Yes, thank you for participating in the annual whamming and bamming contest. Now who's next. Wham! Thank you sir, but I'm afraid you're disqualified. You forgot to bam. No you can't go again.
In this one, Log finds romance in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Joe investigates our disappearing kebab retweets. Steve eats a Dorito.
Thanks!
2023-02-13 11:54:46 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello patrons, this is your phone speaking. I just wanted to say that it's real nice and cosy inside your pocket. I bet you thought I'd say it stinks of coins and thighs, but that's just your inner critic trying to trip you up again. You're your own worst enemy, when you gotta be your own biggest cheerleader, cos there aint anyone else around here who's gonna do it, except for maybe your housekeys.
Hello this is your housekeys. Gimme a Y. Gimme a O. Gimme a U. That's spells YOU. As in Y...
2023-02-03 21:15:25 +0000 UTC View Post
Welcome to the far future, where Blobbies buy you on eBay. Frightened yet? Well listen to Regular Features and feel a lot nicer about yourself.
2023-01-26 15:43:04 +0000 UTC View Post
Prince Harry's tadger keeps transporting him into realms of reveries, and we simply can't get enough.
2023-01-19 10:30:18 +0000 UTC View Post
In the beginning God created Golden Syrup.
Then he created podcasts.
Feels like two weird ones to start with but he seems to know what he's doing so who the fuck are we to question him?
Please enjoy this podcast which only exists because of you x
2023-01-15 16:42:23 +0000 UTC View Post
It's the first podcast of 2023 and to celebrate we've brought back an ancient Regular Features tradition - The Ramblemas.
Please enjoy and keep supporting us this year or we'll be sad x
2023-01-05 10:53:14 +0000 UTC View Post
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire... writes the crime scene investigator in the "REASON FOR FIRE" section of his crime solving notepad, as he shakes his head and cries into an evidence bag in the charred ruins of a house. It was a crime scene investigation this entire time, that's the twist. Please be fire safe this Christmas! Turn off your Christmas lights and don't play with candles.
Okay! Let's have some Regular Features. In this one, Log has some advertisements for other podcasts o...
2022-12-17 17:52:07 +0000 UTC View Post
There's never been a better time to invest in worms. Worms are under you right now, working around the clock to make the rotten wet soil nice enough that daisies will deign to sprout out of it.
Worms are versatile! They can be used as novelty Banana Boats for beetles who are on holiday from next door - AND they make chic scarves for robins in winter. And when the weather warms up? Don't put your worm scarf in the wardrobe, Mrs Red-Breast! Rip it off, peck it to shreds, and eat a b...
2022-12-07 15:52:11 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello patrons. In this episode, Steve burns his candle at both ends. And Log invites you to embody him completely and understand once and for all the arduous process of producing a regular feature.
Joe is here, to bear witness to this foul act.
2022-11-30 18:01:42 +0000 UTC View Post
Here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door... but where's the people? Did you know that church attendance has been in decline for decades. Among people aged between 18 and 24, the incidence of religious affiliation is only 30.7%.
If it were to drop below 30%, a special alarm will go off inside the Pope's hat, and he'll take off his hat and there'll be a special golden telephone under there, ringing. He'll pick it up.
"Hello, Pope speaking."
He'll hold his han...
2022-11-18 00:16:34 +0000 UTC View Post
The crime? A mordor. The suspect?! YOU.
And you thought you'd get away with it you little freak. Well say hello to a little thing we like to call JUSTICE.
2022-11-06 01:56:31 +0000 UTC View Post
Please, for god's sake, put down the weapon... and pick up a BIG SMILE because it is time for Regular Features actually.
This week, Joe takes policing into his own hands, and Steve talks about a creature that doesn't even HAVE hands (but it does have a gun). Log turns up, but then leaves because a member of the glitterati had twizzled in to give us the inside scoop on Hollywood's biggest ever problem: James Corden.
2022-10-27 11:54:20 +0000 UTC View Post
Hey patrons, what else can I tell ya, it's episode 506 of the Reg'lar Features podcast. In this one, Steve's on about legs. Log's on about herons. And Joe's on about the various nicknames given by George W Bush to his closest Colin Powells.
Get it in ya!
2022-10-20 02:38:23 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello Patrons,
Here is an episode of The Regular Features podcast that wouldn't exist if you didn't stick your hands in your pocket and send us the grubby pennies you find inside. Pennies that have been positively drenched in your trowser grease and probably rubbed against an errant testie or two (or three?? Behave!).
I hope you're happy with yourselves cause we bloody are.
We love you xx
2022-10-09 07:02:23 +0000 UTC View Post
Hey patrons! You know how submarines are designed to go under the water and do torpedos and pinging and that? Well we've just come up with an idea for a new type of submarine that goes above the water. We can't give you any more details but let's just say it's called a SURmarine, it can carry 140 tactical nuclear warheads, and you CAN'T get it wet.
In this episode of Regular Features, we receive a letter from an underwater-faring surmarine. Log checks in with our old friend Wolf Blitzer...
2022-09-27 13:45:57 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello citizens,
It is I, RespectBot 5000 with a message from Jonathan D. Eference, my creator.
Please stay within your domiciles and respect Her Maj using the approved respectful medias that should now have been delivered to your peasant hands.
Wear your rememberance blankets with pride and cry into your sleeve as per the diagram in your grief binders.
God Save The Queen (King?? I dunno lol)
2022-09-19 18:01:05 +0000 UTC View Post
We're not sure how we were able to pull ourselves together to record this but somehow - like the heroes that we are - we've created this podcasting tribute to the late (see: GREAT) Queen Elizabeth.
Yeah, our love for the Queen might ruffle a few anti-mon (anti-monarchy) feathers but we had to see the woman off right. With a podcast.
Remember, whatever you think about the Queen is irrelevant but what's important to think about is that your money made this happen so real...
2022-09-11 19:33:29 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello Patreon readers. Remember when we gave out loads of bee names at Episode 500? Well this is a recording of us coming up with them at about 1am, out of our minds on hooch.
2022-09-08 10:18:30 +0000 UTC View Post
People say you can fly too close to the sun? Well we say you can't fly close enough. We say you can fly right up to it, so that your nude chest grazes along its surface as you circumnavigate its plasmic equator at one billion miles per hour, like you are Space Harrier himself, skirting along the edge of the troposphere, shooting energy bullets from your face, and
what
oh
okay.
In this one, Joe does a squish, and Log wants to give you a job at his pub. See you at one th...
2022-09-04 09:58:49 +0000 UTC View Post