Hey PATRONS! In this episode of the Regular Features podcast, Steve scoots. Joe roots (for ferns). And Matt kazoots. You gotta love 'em!
We have a new live show! Won't you come please?
2018-02-22 23:58:19 +0000 UTC View Post
Live at the Canal Cafe Theatre, Log is a whale scientist, Steve is spooking you into terrible trouble, Joe is ALSO spooking you but in a different way and honestly I like it, and Matt is losing the plot at an alarming pace. IN PANGAEA.
2018-02-08 19:39:29 +0000 UTC View Post
Gav mocks funeral hashtags! Steve makes us all little! Joe busts the truth wide open! Matt replied to all of these ideas with courtesy and humour! GET IT IN YA
Please come and watch us live at the Canal Cafe Theatre on February 5th as well: canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507
2018-02-01 10:57:23 +0000 UTC View Post
Well now I see it written down I'm actually in two minds about that title. Ah, bollocks to it. If anyone else from the podcast team wants to change it, they've got the login details.
LOTS OF FUN THIS WEEK GUYS, MY FEATURE COLLAPSED UNDER THE WEIGHT OF ITS OWN GARBAGE
Love, Log
PS I love you most of all, the others just say it cynically
2018-01-25 15:18:40 +0000 UTC View Post
Hey now, what's that sound - everybody look what's going down... It's this episode of Regular Features, "down"-loading onto your favourite devices! NOTE: While Regular Features is an audio file, the downloading process shouldn't be audible. If you can hear this episode downloading, your wi-fi might be in pain. Please check to see if you are living in a dystopian near-future in which the screaming souls of the dead are used to carry data. Anyway: Joe does a letter from a friend, Gav gets into hot...
2018-01-18 17:52:17 +0000 UTC View Post
You guys are the BEST!
Thanks so much for continuing to support us, it means so much that you lot keep us going with your kindness (kindness = money)
Because you support us you're the first to know about this week's episode which is now live and you can also buy tickets to February AND March's live shows before anybody else. GO GO GO!
2018-01-11 16:24:22 +0000 UTC View Post
Oh look at that pie on the windowsill! Why not take a bite? Mother will never know. Surprise, baby, you just ate FEATURES. Now you've got an acute case of the GIGGLES, idiot.
2018-01-04 14:36:53 +0000 UTC View Post
Steve sings a Christmas classic, Gav gives a windy tour of his hometown, Matt celebrates the legacy of Gaz Coombes, Log is having a bloody awful week, and Joe wants to get you in the NEW YEARS MOODS.
2017-12-28 21:37:44 +0000 UTC View Post
Here's a little Christmas treat just for you patrons, you get the podcast a whole day early this week. Why? Because Gav might forget to do this tomorrow but right now he's feeling pretty dang on the ball.
Love you all,
Team Features xxxx
2017-12-20 18:54:51 +0000 UTC View Post
Steve revisits The House of Kramble, Log takes a journalistic deep-dive into the shadowy world of Bingo, Matt sings a lovely Christmas song, and Santana returns with the spirit of festive cheer, which he illegally stole from a nursing home in Stoke.
2017-12-14 11:38:21 +0000 UTC View Post
2 boys, 5 features, no borders, one love, 99 luftballons.
CHRISTMAS LIVE SHOW! 11th DECEMBER! BUY! canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507
2017-12-08 13:44:48 +0000 UTC View Post
Hey Patreon-grumblecakes, why you lookin' so down? Perhaps you'd like to drape this hot towel of a podcast over your face and allow our comedy steam to open your patron pores? Yeah, you'd like that wouldn't you. You'd like the evaporating fun to cool your listener skin, and create a pleasant sensation known only as THE NICE TIMES. Steve is back from Galapagos, Log is Royal Marriage Mad, and Gavin spoke to a woman who was very complimentary about our trade.
Would you please come to our CHRISTMA...
2017-11-30 23:00:01 +0000 UTC View Post
Travel back to 2002 for a song lyric examination, then back to 2017 for some bang up-to-date film reviews, and then to the FUTURE OF MUSHROOMS.
Whew, you must be exhausted! Why not kick back and relax by paying us money to watch us do a CHRISTMAS LIVE SHOW on the 11th December: canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507
2017-11-23 16:14:07 +0000 UTC View Post
Steve cruelly turned down a job as Gav and Joe's Associate Hot Ass Provider - but we've headhunted a new candidate with the hottest ass in Nottingham. Will he make the grade???
Our next live show is a Christmas Special, and it is extra special because we forgot to book the theatre, so it's on the SECOND Monday of the month - December 11th. Please come: canalcafetheatre.com/
2017-11-16 13:14:13 +0000 UTC View Post
We're sorry it's late, it's just that we're absolute idiots.
SPOOKS! CUBAN DANCE RHYTHMS! SHOE FETISHISM! SWAN MURDER! REGULAR FEATURES? REGULAR FEATURES.
Heyup! Log here. I never do the Patreon posts. What are you supposed to say here? The grey text in the empty box said "why do you create", and that seems like a pretty basic question to answer every week. Perhaps I'm filling in the wrong box. Let me know if I've effed it up, so
2017-11-02 20:03:18 +0000 UTC View Post
What's going down patreonies? That's what I'm calling you now. The big patreonies, the p-brigade, p-dog. Hi.
In this one: a prodigal Joe gives everyone a strange Japanese potion, which sends the podcast freewheeling into a debilitating, but entirely legal, erotic reverie. There's a feature about Gremlins and another about Nixon doing a crime with a space shuttle, but both are overshadowed by a pervading and all-consuming sense of engorgement. We're so sorry.
A live show you say? November...
2017-10-26 08:35:47 +0000 UTC View Post
Steve holds fort as Gav rides around Italy on a mean old hog and Log dispenses Nottingham-wisdom, an oxymoron if ever there was one, am I right *opens Google Maps*... SHEFFIELD?
Come to our next live show! www.canalcafetheatre.com
2017-10-20 10:11:09 +0000 UTC View Post
Is this the end of Quantick Meridian?! Where are the Chilean miners now?! Does Gav finally get the twatting he deserves?! Find out the answers to these questions and more in this week's episode.
Come watch us do this nonsense live on November:
canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507
Look, I know we charged you yesterday, but we're IDIOTS, right? Soz.
Anyway, Gav, Joe, Log and Steve performed exactly 11 features on Monday. Sound impossible? Shut up, you don't know ANYTHING.
2017-10-06 09:26:27 +0000 UTC View Post
It has come to our attention that we forgot to post last week's episode here. We apologise for not asking for your money. HERE IT IS WE LOVE YOU
2017-10-05 10:51:17 +0000 UTC View Post
Hey Patrons! We like YOU the best so please come see us LIVE on the 2nd of October:
canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507
2017-09-21 17:09:02 +0000 UTC View Post
Joe takes us on a journey of TFL joy, Technology Journalist Steven Hogarty explains the hot new features on the iPhone X, and Kenrod Basillica interviews the latest musicians on the musician scene.
2017-09-14 20:14:37 +0000 UTC View Post
- Steve: Read parental pornography
- Joe: Lied about Bake Off
- Matt: Plagiarised Sliders
- Log: Attacked an allergic man with Nutella
The charges were all dropped. Nice picture by @GaryDooton. GO AWAY.
2017-09-07 15:31:35 +0000 UTC View Post
On this week's episode, Gav reveals some American football naughtiness while Steve n Log get all hot n bothered by the continuing adventures of Quantick Meridian.
If you fancy coming to see our live show on September 4th:
https://canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507
2017-08-31 12:59:17 +0000 UTC View Post
Log n Steve bring the funnies while Joe n Gav kidnap their colleague Alanah who celebrated her birthday with the boys in an abattoir.
You can follow Alanah here: twitter.com/Charalanahzard
Get yourself a ticket to the next live show on September 4th:
canalcafetheatr...
Howdy there Patrons. Guess what time it is. Time to listen to the podcast we made for you. Thanks for your help!
In this one: Log embarks on a multi-part science-fiction feature-epic, the future of which lies in your hands. Steve imagines a world in which Godzilla's big ol' dong has a happy holiday, and Matt wonders what it might be like if will.i.am were a penguin. Can you even imagine? No need! We imagined for you.
Please come to our next live show! 2017-08-17 23:46:17 +0000 UTC View Post
LIVE SHOW: Joe does a Doctor Who thing because he has ulterior motives, Steve reads Wikipedia, Matt is furious about a man who had a gun, Log brings Nick Clegg back into relevance, and Gav continues to use the podcast as a means of advertising his frequently hairless arsehole.
2017-08-10 12:21:07 +0000 UTC View PostSweet sweet friends, I come with sad news. Joe deleted the real podcast this week.
So Gav only went and recorded a whole new one where he goes full Judge John Deed on Skrebels' lilywhite ass.
Meanwhile, Log bought a dog with his mum.
Watch us live at your earliest convenience. We're playing at the Canal Cafe Theatre on Monday 7th August. Tickets here: canalcafetheatre.com/...
2017-08-03 13:45:57 +0000 UTC View PostMatt goes to France, gets sexy with cavemen, and eats pubes, I think. Gav enthralls canaries and writes totally original music. Log represents billions of men by hating this one woman.
Imagine seeing all of that shite, but in real life??? YOU CAN! BUY NOW! canalcafetheatre.com/event?EventId=33507
2017-07-27 11:31:19 +0000 UTC View Post