Here is the Episode 500 LIVE show!
This show features some bits that may be better experienced with your eyes so either get yourself a DeLorean and head back to the night of the show OR watch it on YouTube here.
Joe's Feature has a lovely little slideshow so when you get to his bit, you can play along here.
AND finally, 2022-08-22 09:03:25 +0000 UTC View Post
On the eve of the episode 500 live show, all five Feature boys got together, drank far too much, and recorded a question-and-answer session. We don't regret it one bit ACTUALLY.
2022-08-13 14:40:58 +0000 UTC View Post
Hey. Listen. Everybody likes to say things are "out the wazoo", but nobody ever asks "how's the wazoo?" Nobody ever inspects the wazoo to make sure its hard-working wazoo chute isn't red raw with all the stuff whizzing out of it. Nobody applies the special clinical wazoo balms the wazoo doctor prescribed, but the poor wazoo didn't have the hands to rub into its own wazoo. But does the wazoo ever complain? No. Says more about you than it does the wazoo if you're askin' for my two pence, which ...
2022-08-05 01:33:52 +0000 UTC View Post
Because of the planned rail strikes on Saturday August 13th, we've had some cowards return their tickets to us. Are they also picketline-crossing scabs? That's not for us to say. What IS for us to say though is that there are now a few extra tickets on sale.
Hit the link above and use the password: JuicySusanWantsIn to grab the final tickets now.
HURRY! They won't last long.
Please obviously 2022-08-04 19:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post
Guess what patrons... we're pivoting to HONEY SALES now. That's right, Regular Features has produced a small batch of 100% organic honey with the help of a hive of professional bees in North London.
Visit our shop at regularfeatures.com/shop to grab your jar of our special sticky reserve today, before they're all gone!
To celebrate our new ven...
2022-08-01 11:09:10 +0000 UTC View Post
You have some nerve showing your face around here after what you did. But since you're here, you might as well stay and listen. In this episode, Joe demystifies the British parliamentary process. Log helps out a mum in need. Steve got too hot in a heatwave.
2022-07-26 16:06:17 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello there, you nasty little Pom Bears!
This episode was beset, nay, bedevilled with technical difficulties! Gav's software kept packing in, despite his assurances that he had a proper M1 Processor in his computer and *everything*. Log's internet went down at a time when he was particularly vulnerable, and thought Gav was too disgusted to reply to him. And because the weather is currently "hot", we both had our windows open a crack which made some of my edits pretty noticeable, f...
2022-07-17 15:45:41 +0000 UTC View Post
This might sound like a special in which we include deleted scenes from past episodes of Regular Features, but it ISN'T.
What it actually contains is Log and Joe joining forces for a never-before-seen twoboy episode in which they theme multiple micro-features along the theme of deleted scenes. We've got the Green Mile, we've got Se7en, we've got Big Yellow Taxi, we've got My Baby All-Gone, and we've got even more tenuous connections than that.
And if you DARE suggest that this is ...
2022-07-07 13:54:08 +0000 UTC View Post
Dear patrons,
Some days you're the horse. Other days you're the horse's secret collection of amethysts he keeps under a big pile of hay in his stable.
In this episode, Log tries to fill a printer-shaped hole in his soul with a laserjet. Matt springs a painterly pop-quiz on us. And Steve finds a way to reconcile with his dad. Let's go!
2022-06-29 11:30:59 +0000 UTC View Post
Chalk and cheese. You'd think they'd be disgusting together, but I'm eating some right now and it's absolutely delicious exchept forr hoaw it claggxx up mah mouuut. Aneewoy I shupposh iss tym to chell yoo abow thisz weekss epishold of Rehgyolnah Peeches.
Shteef hash sheen duh Dishnee Pixaaaaaah moofie Laghtyeeah and ish dinsgustin!! Jhoh izz on tze hunnt fo a Wikinpeeedinah paych and.... *spits* Log has visited a number of National Trust heriyage sites. Time for another bite I think! 2022-06-20 20:38:04 +0000 UTC View Post
PATRON! Listen up.
Four score and Michael Barrymore.
Sorry, that's all I've got. Thanks for reading this bit. In this episode, Gav looms over us like a ghost, Steve's got laser eye surgery, and Log's a mean little goblin with a mission to pang the queen, That's right, PANG!
We love you.
2022-06-11 20:30:03 +0000 UTC View Post
A PATREON?! How did you get in here?
This is a supposed to be a private crematorium. You shouldn't be riding your penny farthing around the crematorium honking on that antique horn of yours. Watch out for that pile of unburnt cadavers! Oh no, you've knocked them all over and their toe tags got all mixed up – now we won't know which grieving widows get which urns. Look, we promise we won't tell on you for goofing around the crematorium if you don't tell the widows we're doling ou...
2022-06-04 00:15:53 +0000 UTC View Post
This week's episode of Regular Features is presented, as always, in high-quality .wav format. You make a .wav by walking up the holy mountain and holding your Zune to the sky. A single raindrop will fall into the 3.5mm headphone jack, and a .wav will be shat out. It's beautiful.
This week's .wav is filled with a spicy, sexy episode of Star Trek, a look into the newest FIFA game on PS2, and a discussion of why you'd ever want to be in a bath full of Beelzebub's juice - wine.
2022-05-27 16:53:28 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello Beautiful Patrons!
Here is another podcast for you that literally would not exist without your support.
It's a nice one that's got it all: Gav's questionable behaviour, Log being a big ol' gossip Queen and everyone's favourite non-bird returning guest star.
Please enjoy and thank you again for your lovely support.
Team Featch x
2022-05-23 08:27:56 +0000 UTC View Post
This is episode 488, which in bingo calling is "two fat ladies, married for forty years and still profoundly in love, standing at an easel where the first fat lady is painting a simple watercolour of their pet cat (name of Biscuits) as the second fat lady watches her from behind. The first fat lady turns to her wife and says, 'my dear wife, these past few months I cannot help but feel we are growing apart, is something the matter?'
To which her adoring wife smiles and eventually replies...
2022-05-11 19:43:42 +0000 UTC View Post
Look at you, you tiny little patron! Oh my gosh, let me give your hair a ruffle, oh you're ever so cu- YOU JUST BIT ME. Why did you bite me? I just came along to tell you what's in this week's episode of Regular Features and now I shall have to get a shot for some kind of muddy disease. Serves me right for trying to be nice. Well here's the low-down I SUPPOSE:
Matt has had a crazy weekend fistbumping rappers and trying not to be bullied by children. Steve has his hands on a precious aud...
2022-04-29 20:25:04 +0000 UTC View Post
Well patrons, there's nothing else for it, we'll simply have to do another episode of the Regular Features podcast IF IT SO SUITS THEIR HIGHNESS.
In this one, Log fails to groom a suitable heir to his publican throne, and Joe mourns the loss of the thing where the continuity guy talks about Hollyoaks over Danny Elfman music. Steve is here, as useless as ever, staring slackjawed into the sun like a statue.
Love you! x
2022-04-23 20:20:51 +0000 UTC View Post
Hiya patron! You've been very good today so here's a podcast we made just for you, as a reward. Also, hey, that thing you're feeling stressed about doesn't matter, you're doing great buddy. Keep it up!
In this episode, Steve is drafted in as the lord of the dance, Log unearths some horny personal ads from 1992, and Joe is put off his entree by a doddery old racist on the next table.
TELL YOUR BOSS.
2022-04-16 12:49:26 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello! Or, as my mother says, "if you're coming in, come in. You're letting all the heat out".
Has anyone else noticed that the Regular Features boys initials are all clothes sizes? Steve => Small, Matt => Medium, Log => Large, Gav has to be fancy schmancy with a Parisian Grand, and Joe is the best and most exciting size allowable in 28 states, Juicy. With that level of range, there's bound to be a Regular Features boy who's right for you!
So what have we got for yo...
2022-04-03 13:08:45 +0000 UTC View Post
Hey there patrons,
This is your link to purchase tickets to the Episode 500 live show!
The password you need is: JuicySusanWantsIn
We're working on a way to be able to livestream the event to all patrons for free so those who'll miss it will still be able to watch at home.
Tickets are extremely limited but we wanted to give you Patrons first chance at getting them because you are the wind beeneath our (bee)wings.
Thanks as alway...
2022-03-29 17:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello you wonderful patrons,
Here's another episode of our podcast that would not exist without your support.
This one has some chat about heaven, heroes and malt loaf - it's pretty good, actually.
There's also some info about The Regular Features Episode 500 live show which you won't want to miss.
Thanks again for everything that you do for us and for being YOU.
Team Featch x
2022-03-28 12:13:03 +0000 UTC View Post
Have you ever wanted to know how Regular Features' greatest stories came to be? Have you ever wondered how Grapesalicious gained her penchant for a piece of pink peppercorn? Or how Buck Pawchucker became mayor? What about how Gav surivived?
Well, we answer NONE of these questions in this otherwise origin story-packed ordeal from Steve, Log, and Joe. Strap them lugholes into a helment - you're about to go back in time using only your freakin' ears.
2022-03-17 14:15:31 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello Patrons!
Here is your weekly dose of Vitamin F(eature)! Take two of these and call me in the morning while you're making my fuckin eggs, whydontcha?
I don't know what any of that means but I do know that your continued support of this silly podcast is actually heartwrenchingly beautiful. You're all amazing and we feel lucky to have such lovely readers.
Love you xxx
2022-03-13 10:21:03 +0000 UTC View Post
[This is a repost to fix Patreon's weird uploading error, sorry – you won't be charged more than once for this episode]
Gavin and Joe infiltrated a world of alakazams by putting on cloaks and big hats and saying that they knew what a spell was, and now they present to you, the Regular Features reader, a special report on the Blackpool Magic Convention 2022.
If, while you read this episode, your whole body falls off, don't be afraid - it's just magic. 2022-03-08 10:13:28 +0000 UTC View Post
Ohhhh big stretch. Regular Features is all snoozy and cosy in bed! It is so warm and nice under the Regular Features duvet, we could just stay here forever. Do you want to climb in with us? There's a space here just for you! Don't worry about that thing you've got to do, just wiggle your way in between us and have a big yawn and a nice rest. That's right. We'll blow you sweet little kisses while you drift off. There we are.
In this episode, Steve's got all sleepy. Joe can levitate now. ...
2022-02-27 21:39:01 +0000 UTC View Post
WAHP WAHP PATRONS. This is an emergency broadcast from the Regular Feautures emergency storm bunker. Hello. How are you? Oh that's nice. We're fine thanks, but unfortunately... it is a major emergency!!
Storm Eunice has really churned our butter this week, if you'll pardon the phrase, forcing us to seek shelter in our specialised, reinforced podcasting hutch three hundred feet below sea level. In the panic to get inside, three of the boys tragically got left behind and/or tragically kic...
2022-02-19 17:34:19 +0000 UTC View Post
Dear patrons, please accept this episode as a token of our friendship. If you collect ten tokens you unlock platinum level friendship which is the same as normal friendship except you are allowed to blow raspberries on our bellies while we giggle and cheep like baby birds. WHAT?!
In this episode, Joe considers the romance of a milky twilight, Steve samples Bognor's emergent culinary scene, and Log blows open the gnarly depravity of 1970s telephone perversion as it pertains to kissing of...
2022-02-14 23:26:11 +0000 UTC View Post
There's a legend around these parts, a legend about a kid who filled his belly button with bird seed and waited in the garden. "Any minute now", he thought, "a robin will land on my tummy and eat the seed out of my belly button!" And the little boy would chuckle and snort at the idea of a tiny red-breasted bird hopping along his gut!
But the robin never came, because the boy kept rolling around, chuckling and snorting, and shouting and farting. Seeing his plight, his adoring mother came...
2022-02-07 09:00:39 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello there, you beatiful patreontic bastard!
Here's the latest episode which you have ensured exists through your monetary contributions to the podcast. If it wasn't for your kind generosity we could've never have dreamt a sentence like "BABY WAS DUMP" could even exist.
In a way, you're actually responsible for everything that we say on the podcast which you should be both equally proud and afraid of.
We genuinely love you all,
Team Featch x
2022-01-30 12:50:20 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello patrons, it's me, the grape stomping lady who fell out of a bucket of grapes in a viral video from 2007.
In this episode of Regular Features, Winnie the Pooh falls into Log's public domain, and a falling log wins Joe's public acclaim (which is to say he saw a poop in a TV show and wondered what if all TV shows got a poop in their finale). I hope you enjoy the episode, Steve is in it too and he does a fart!!
Love,
Grape Stomping Lady from 2007