Hello lovely patrons!
Here is another episode of Regular Features that literally only exists because of you. That sounds like a joke but it is true actually because without your kind and generous support we just wouldn't be able to do this podcast.
And you can take that to the bank!
Love you loads,
Reg Feats x
2022-01-16 12:28:44 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello patrons! It's me again, the podcast. Hi.
From our screaming throats to your hungry ears, it's another episode of Regular Features, the only podcast that's got us in it.
In this episode, Joe chronicles the greatest number you've never heard about unless you read the episode title. Steve unlocks an exciting new octave thanks to possible permanent scarring of the larynx. And Log rates and review every mince pie within a ten minute mince pie fuelled sprinting distance.
Let...
2022-01-08 16:38:33 +0000 UTC View Post
Betty White is dead. We don't talk about that in the podcast at all. I'm only putting this here cause it just happened and I was hoping that someone finds out she's dead by reading this.
Imagine that.
Imagine your grandkids asking you "Grandmas...dos yous remembers hows yous founds outs Betty Whites wass deads?" and you say "Yes, it was from a bit of patreon-exclusive text written by an odd Welshman" and they'll laugh as they take you back to your space nursing home in...
2021-12-31 20:16:22 +0000 UTC View Post
Happy Crambleneir patrons!
In sihd shhue cramblrmhotj, Joem cmrma a visit vfrom "Secret Santana". Gav hoesgojs anfs an incident with a DDP courier. Amd Steve, well, he gocrob a charades qjid quid quiz caled charades.
Thank you for all your support this year. We legit love you readers, and we wish you all the best for 2022. Let's do it. Let's crack it open.
LOVE, REGULAR FEATURES X
2021-12-24 23:27:45 +0000 UTC View Post
If I had one guess, I'd guess you're stuck in a pipe. Look at you, all stuck in that pipe. I bet you want some grease, don't you? You little pipe rat! Little pipe rat want some grease. Well NO, no grease.
Not until you've listened to Joe wonder about the etymology of Plemons. And certainly not until you've heard all of Matt's new names for Omicron. And maybe you get some grease after Zim returns to tell us about his latest big boy updates. You can have grease later. Stop wriggling...
2021-12-08 18:54:20 +0000 UTC View Post
A mere 5 weeks after the fact, it's finally here – a comprehensive run-down of everything that Gav and Joe got up to at our favouite awards ceremony, The Kebabbies. Marvel as we almost get turned away, gasp at Gav's reactions to those who don't share his political leanings, and turn off in horror as you realise the depths of Joe's betrayal. Steve and Log are here to guide your emotions throughout, except when we're all too pissed by the end.
Please invite us back, British Kebab Awards...
2021-12-02 09:55:54 +0000 UTC View Post
Heya patrons xx
We're sorry, but this is not the hotly anticipated kebab awards episode. That's happening next week now. There was a small legal issue we had to iron out involving, well, a kebab, naturally, plus so much libel it would make a judge's powder wig whizz out of the courtroom window and fly back to the special bird house where the wig lives with his wig wife (also a wig), and the wig wife says "bad day at work honey?" and the wig says (all dejected like) "you wouldn't believe...
2021-11-27 00:22:04 +0000 UTC View Post
Heeeeyyyy patrons. Teehee! How are you doing?
Make no bones about it, it's episode 466 of the Regular Features podcast. Hey, you in the back there with the bones, what are you making? A diorama of the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand? Oh okay. You're definitely not making bones about this episode are you? No? Oh yes, we see the little motorcade of femurs now, and it's very clever how you've used a scapula to portray Gavrilo Princip. Wow, and this is your hobby is it? It's fasci...
2021-11-14 16:47:15 +0000 UTC View Post
Three men enter the arena. Three men leave. It's fine in the arena. Nothing bad happens. One man has an ache in his shoulder, but he had that before he went into the arena. He thinks he may have slept on it. Good arena!
HEY. In this episode, Log hypnotises a nurse into doing a Fred Durst into her frilly blursts. Steve invites you to play for big Squid Game cash money. And Joe heads into the forest to dispense justice.
We absolutely love you, patrons.
2021-11-06 11:48:50 +0000 UTC View Post
Happy Sunday to you, patrons, our dear dear patrons. Oh god we love you.
In this episode, Log goes hands-on with Superman's newfound sexuality. Steve goes pants-off when his French horn lessons are interrupted by Scream himself. And Gav is open-mouthed as he brings us a thrilling update from the British Kebab Awards.
Do you mind taking your shoes off when you're listening to the podcast? We've just hoovered.
2021-10-24 18:44:23 +0000 UTC View Post
Giddy up, patrons, because it's another episode of this freakin' thing we do.
In this one, Steve's Discord account got hacked by spooks. Log is going to reclaim his rightful title of Lord-or-Lady of the Dance. And Joe debuts the latest instalment in the long running series of interactive sports experiences about squaaaangular momentum.
What are you still doing here? Start getting it in your ears!
2021-10-17 18:10:10 +0000 UTC View Post
As we have done every year for the last 9 years, Gav and Joe are sitting down for an extensive, exhaustive, extremely good talk through this year's British Kebab Awards. Who will win chef of the year? Why is there no garlic/chilli award? Will Alfred Molina endorse us? All of this and more in a very special episode of Regular Kebabs.
2021-10-07 11:47:57 +0000 UTC View Post
HELLO PATRONS xxxx
As people who absolutely freakin' love magpies always say: one for joy, two for joy, three for joy, four for joy, five for joy, six for joy, seven for joy, eight for joy. Nine? Ah what the heck, that's for joy that is. Ten is also for joy, why not. And eleven to boot! Twelve... hmm, best not get greedy. But for joy. Teehee. Twelve is for joy too, just don't tell anyone. :)
In this episode, Log petitions Nintendo to make him a rideable mount in the new Zelda. Ste...
2021-09-30 22:25:55 +0000 UTC View Post
Patrons!!? There's no time to waste. In this episode Joe concocts his very own VHS cassette horror anthology. Steve reports his very own fading feature memories. And Log purports his very own sock tipperies and trickories.
Is that even what purports means? There's literally no time to google "define purports". I'm sorry, we really have to get on with this. Hey google, define purports. Oh wow, yeah okay that's not even almost the correct usage of the word.
2021-09-21 22:51:12 +0000 UTC View Post
Howdy pardners. It's us again.
Now. What if you dragged a big wet carrier bag full of lukewarm biryani to a concert? What if you had a nice time at a spa? What if you watched yet another Marvel TV show in the hope that maybe this one, THIS one, might be good?
Only Regular Features can answer all three questions at once in a big sexy booming voice to make your guts quiver. Oh boy, let's go.
2021-09-13 21:19:23 +0000 UTC View Post
Get this reader on the table, we need to operate NOW! Nurse, pass me a syringe full of Matt forgetting if he's ever owned a watch. I'm going to make a two-inch incision and insert Joe griping about his comedy heroes being sad about death. WE'RE LOSING THEM. We're going to have to do it- Nurse, I understand your reservations but we have to no TIME. We're going to try an experimental technique which involves shoving Log talking about yoga directly into the reader's spinal chord. We lost them. T...
2021-09-02 08:45:09 +0000 UTC View Post
Hey patrons! Get a load of THIS one.
The three original feature boys return for a very special reunion episode, never to be repeated, just like that time The Beatles went up on the roof and refused to come down until Linda McCartney invented frozen vegan sausages.
Matt revisits his thoughts on Torchwood. Log treats us to a high-defintion re-release of some half-remembered Steve-on-Matt canoodling. And Steve ensures we'll never have sponsorship for at least another ten years, by re...
2021-08-29 22:36:20 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello, you beautiful patrons!
Thanks so much for all your massive support, your direct contributions mean that we can make podcasts like the above that will live on long after we and everyone we know are dead.
What a comforting though.
Team Featch x
2021-08-22 19:19:34 +0000 UTC View PostHello bees.
Welcome and thank you for joining our beautiful hive.
The best/only way to access the Beehive is to connect your Discord account to your Patreon profile page here. Once those are connected, you should see the Discord server when you open Discord.
If you have any problems, please drop us a message and we'll get it sorted for you.
Thanks again and B...
2021-08-15 16:30:31 +0000 UTC View Post
According to the big Regular Features egg-timer on the roof, it's been exactly ten years since we invented podcasting. To celebrate, we've given ourselves a facelift. The unparalleled Sonny Ross has created new podcast art. The Patreon has an exciting new tier. And as for us? Well, we're only speaking in Spanish from now on.
Por favor... www.patreon.co...
2021-08-15 10:52:24 +0000 UTC View Post
The snap of the magnet releasing its psychic grip, the brief peel of tacky rubber, the delighted squeak of the hinges, a rush of cold air, a waft of something green, the chemical tinge of a bad houmous, a row of eggs watches on. This is it baby, you've opened the fridge for a look.
In this episode, Log opens his fridge for a look. Steve visits the optician. Matt does business with a young boy. Thank you! Hey guess what we've got a surprise for you soon. Hee hee hee. Do you ever read thi...
2021-08-08 18:51:55 +0000 UTC View Post
Did you know Kenny Rogers came up with the line "you've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em" while he was doing his laundry, it's true ask anyone.
Anyway! In this episode, Log gets imprisoned in his home by an NHS, Steve challenges the boys to a spelling contest, and Joe tries to flog an office chair. Thanks!
2021-08-01 15:23:35 +0000 UTC View Post
Patrons, you must be at least THIRTY FIVE years old to read this:
Here at Regular Features, we like to push boundaries. That's why we're the first podcast to ever discuss BDSM without giggling or being sick into the microphone. In this episode, Log talks about hardcore leather strap velcro kink sex, then Joe, apparently unaware of the theme, discusses tuna.
Steve, god bless him, is just sort of... there? What a strange boy.
2021-07-23 22:52:15 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello there patrons, how ARE you?
Have you ever wondered how we learned how to do all of our incredible comedy accents? Well in this episode, we'll teach you how! Log is offering every reader a free taster of our five day accent school, which will turn YOU from a "croikey doikey wadda crocodile mister" into a "hey I slappa da calzone outta ya mouth if you don make-a de waltzer go faster, ayyyy wadda disappointing funfair".
Joe makes Gigi an offer she can't Hadid. Steve tips soil i...
2021-07-10 20:20:38 +0000 UTC View Post
Hmm, how can we put this delicately? Well... blimp.
2021-07-03 23:10:54 +0000 UTC View Post
Hey patrons!
In this hot little potato wedge of an episode, Joe remembers what it was like back before politics and games journalists ruined E3 and it was all about good, old fashioned eggs. Matt remembers what it was like when it when a hundred million Pikmin were crushed underneath a Ronaldo. And Steve, in an audacious act of sabotage, simply deletes his third of the podcast.
2021-06-27 20:17:00 +0000 UTC View Post
Want to feel old? Put your dad's big shoes on and walk around the house saying "where did I put my mortgage in this, the year 1978".
Then listen to Gav discuss the finer points of classic survival-comedy Castaway, which was released in 2000 and challenged a pre-9/11 America to wonder what it would be like if Tom Hanks had a big beard.
What else? Well here is what. Steve threw a block of tofu out of a window. And Log got arachno-curious vis-a-vis having sex with a spider. You can't...
2021-06-11 01:14:12 +0000 UTC View Post
Hey Patreons! I'm on a secret pirate island now, sorry!! Sorry everyone.
In this one, Steve gets his coronavirus vaccination. Joe, desperate to keep up with Steve's trailblazing lifestyle, gets HIS vaccination too. Then Log launches a Regular Features podcast network, just to keep you on your toes.
2021-06-07 01:17:35 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello Patrons! Heyyyyy. Hi. Okay.
In the name of podcast innovation, we've switched to releasing new episodes at random intervals so you NEVER know when you're gonna get slapped around the ears with our demanding, wet voices. (No not really — sorry, things have been hot and intense these past two weeks, please bear with us while we arrange our rude and disorderly ducks).
In this one, Joe Skrebels debases himself for a coin, and Steve has a visit from his ancient friend Paco Raba...
2021-05-29 10:52:24 +0000 UTC View Post
Picture yourself in a boat on a river, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies. Now imagine it's a speedboat, and you've broken every maritime law there is, and you're on the run from the boat police. Now stop, calm down. None of this is happening, and you're listening to Regular Features actually.
Log has written his own pub menu app, and Gav is gestating a viral tweet that's just aching to be twooted. Steve stands lookout, in case the pigs start sniffing around.
2021-05-16 21:22:27 +0000 UTC View Post