regularfeatures

444: Top 10 Dental Medicine

Hello and welcome to the description of the podcast. If you'll take a look to your left, you'll see that Log's erected a top 10 of people in his pub - he says it's not a feature but it's got a backing track and everything. To your right, you'll notice that Joe has sold his feature slot to the highest bidder, and what a bloody bidder it is. Up the stairs, Matt's busy putting the final touches to his thoughts about dentists, so we'll head to him last. And then after that, you'll see that all th...

443: Ellen Dehjennereh

Patrons! Hey! God you're lovely. 

We've been sitting on the fence way too long. It's about time we took Ellen Degeneres down a peg or five. And as a feature appetiser: Steve got Mrs Doubtfired by an orthodonist. Joe is here too, to keep everyone in line.

442: Privacy Breach in the Space League

Houston, we have a problem. The problem is that three guys came in and made some yuk-yuks in mission control and now we got a whole 'sploded Cape Canaveral. What were the yuk-yuks? Well, a guy called Gav told us about how a popular podcasting service stole his data and tried to make a quick buck. Then another guy, Log, he brought a buddy in to talk about Big Boys and soccer and water polo and I think he was aroused. After that, some joker called Joe finished us all off with a tale of - and yo...

Help Me Flog A Horse Corpse

Hello there, it's Log here. While this is about Regular Features tangentially, and could be a feature, it's predominantly self-interested, so feel free to bin it and get back to your box of red Lindor balls.

I used to keep a website called Law of the Playground, a dictionary of childhood stupidity. It was moderately popular in July 2001, back when people were saying "want to feel old? Macaulay Culkin is now able to apply for an HGV licence!" 

LotP even got turned into a *shru...

441: Just The Word "Prince" By Itself All Solemn Like

We interrupt your regularly scheduled features to bring you this very special report about a prince, which you are also paying us for, thank you x

440: A Very Special Episode

Patrons. Let's slow things down for a second.

In this very special episode of Regular Features, we tackle the real issues facing our societies todays, what are named of: kayak mishaps, duck tits, Channel 4 anchors, a jungle disease (red flower), some guys who live in a bed even way after they're dead, and what to do about a Tim Allen.

Excuse me, but please save your laughs for another episode, because it's time we got serious, and that's not even a joke.

439: Sit and Suezzle

HEY. PATRENS!

Sure, you've all heard about how that big boat got wedged. Yawn! But have you also heard that Gav was mildly traumatised by an intractable camera man? No, because the "news" don't want you to know about it. In this week's tell all episode, Gav reveals how an impudent videographer shook him to his core, and Steve handles the boat business.

Alright let's go.

438: Basketball Tik Tok Conkers

Hello readers, it's me, the podcast, with another episode of myself. In this one, Steve gets rich off of blockchain dunks. Joe embarks on a lucrative Tik Tok career. And Log eats so many oak-temperature conkers that he gets a thank you letter from the Queen.

437: The Spooky April Edition

Patrons? Oh phew, we thought it might be one of those NON-patron readers. Yuck!

I once said boo to a goose and it laid an egg, and inside the egg was a piece of paper, and on the paper there was a joke. "Q: What do you get if you cross a camel with a goose? A: Goose bumps." Naturally I was furious for having had my time wasted on this nonsense goose whimsy, but by the time I looked up the goose had fled. The bad joke was a defence mechanism to prevent people getting near to me, I mean n...

436: Sleepless Farting Joyce Wife

Look patrons, it's late on a Sunday so let's cut to the chase.

In this one, Joe tells a blood-curdling foot story to curry favour with the producers of any horror podcast who'll have him. Log discovers a gassy missus in the mucky missives of James Joyce, who is also his dad now by the way. Steve is in attendance, as per the court order.

435: The Gorbo Vibe

What is the Gorbo Vibe? If you have to ask, it's not for you. And if you don't have to ask, well you come across as aloof and so it's also not for you, sorry. I don't make the rules.

In this ep (short for episode), Gavin starts running but runs straight into a problem with smartwatches. And Steve unlocks the power of Gorbo Powder using a big key he discovered behind his washing machine. Joe is here too, making sure nothing rude happens.

434: Now You Sia, Now You Don't

Patrons! I'm writing this in the bath, so I'll be brief. In this episode, Steve reports on how the newest Martian rover narrowly avoided wasp-induced catastrophe. Joe reveals he is Sia's honest-to-goodness cousin and demands access to his rightful family fortune. And Log has gone koo-koo bananas for the latest Yakuza game for the games computer.

Whoops I got some suds on the podcast.

433: Forgive My Zombie Cladding

A rolling stone gathers no moss, but you know what it does gather? A lot of freaking attention that's what. And the last thing we want is the police snooping around here.

In this episode, Log focuses his powerful forgiveness beams onto the back of your hand until you yelp in pain. Steve uncovers the oddly dimensioned zombies Capcom refuses to include in the new Resident Evil. And Gav discovers what exactly a cladding is and what it could possibly have to do with his unattended ...

432: Kitt and Kaboodle

Patrons! Tuck in your elbows, lock eyes with the person you love the most, and then hurl yourself out of the nearest window, because it's time for another episode of the Regular Features podcast.

In this one. Log gets a visit from his good friend Eartha Kitt. Steve takes you on a saucy Loyd Grossman adventure. Joe shares an old family recipe. And Gav emits an inaudible hum that will cook your unsuspecting sinuses in ten minutes FLAT.

431: Offal Stocks in my Memory Box

Rare meat raves. Pick and mix mince raffles. Room temperature offal sermons. Pig gristle quinceañeras. They all have one thing in common: they are ground zero for the aching bone rot known only as gout. Log's got it, and he's here to send us on a special quest to track down and gargle his favourite offcuts.

Then. THEN. Steve tries to understand the recent Gamestop stock news. And Joe uses state of the art CGI to digitally insert himself into a classic feature from the archives. Stay sa...

430: Generate My Space Teeth

Elegance. Charm. Big moustache. Poise. Intellect. Their very own pizza oven. Grace. Wit. These are the qualities we look for in an Italian chef, and we will settle for nothing less. What? Oh, we also did a podcast. Mamma mia.

Steve delivers what he promises to be his very last feature about teeth. Log codes an algorithm that can generate four petabytes of bee names per second. Gav stumbles across a curious accent in The Expanse. Joe circles around us like a sheepdog.

429: Lemon Cyberpunch

Patrons! How's your 2021 going? I hope it's okay.

Hey now, what's that sound, everybody look, it's a new episode of the podcast. What happens in this one? I'm so glad you asked. Steve composes his very own Cyberpunk 2077 mission. Joe escapes into the fantastic world of the Lemon Pibwobs. And Log hires a mediator to address recent bullying concerns on the podcast.

Now if you don't mind. I've got to go stand over there.

428: The One Where They Drink Disaronno

Strap in patrons, as we carousel into the new year with a mildly irresponsible and Disaronno-fuelled special episode of Regular Features. Can we perform our features before Old Lazy Booze kisses us goodnight? Let's find out.

FEATURES: Steve is interrupted by a very fussy guest. Gav tries to pawn a dirty goblin's ring. And Log has been to the opticians to get his eyes scooped out.

You made this happen. Let's go!

427: Geller's Frozen Omelette

Patrons, thank you for all your support in 2020, you lovely honeys.

In this episode. International mega-psychic and telepathic thorn in Nintendo's side, Uri Geller's back, and this time he's got an entire museum of curios for you to explore. Steve's also got something about frozen food, after he saw a bag of omelette in Iceland. Gav got bumped, HARD.

See you next year, baby!

426: Punching Secret Christmas Bees

Nadolig Llawen, Nollaig Shona Daoibh, Happy Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanza to all of our beloved multi-faith and faithless patrons. Thank you for all of your support this year. We hope you like what we've done with it.

In this rare FOUR BOY EPISODE, Joe is visited by a very shy old acquaintance with a guitar. Steve learns the horrible truth about what's up with all the bees lately. And Log successfully hosts an entire Punch and Judy show while also having an on-air mental breakdown.

425: Missing Fart

Patrons! In this ALMOST LIVE episode, Log invites you to explore the soundscape of a reader's body, Steve's been on the hunt for his local missing dogs, and Gavin libels Colonel Sanders, then goes after Aunt Bessie for good measure.

424: Spitballing Pizza Emporium

Giddy up, patrons. It's us again. 

In this one: Log is open for business, with an entire bazaar's worth of Regular Features purchasables just for the readers. Joe investigates the origin of that big old pepperoni pizza in the music video for Eamon's 2004 hit, Eff It (I Don't Want You Back). Steve stares on, a hunger in his eyes and a sorrow in his heart.

423: Industrial Parcel Theft

Good afternoon patrons. You alright? Alright. Well this is for YOU.

In this one: Gav takes matters into his own hands to catch a local parcel thief. Steve invites you into the vice-addled underworld of investment banking. And Log reports live from a tide of puppies.

NOTES: Steve incorrectly states that Lena Dunham wrote Industry. While Dunham directed the first episode, the show is in fact created by Mickey Down and Konrad Kay. How embarrassing for Steve.

422: The Law of Diaper Discovery

Hey patrons. We done another one. Ahhhhh!

Joe sets out to change a few laws with some harmless presidential bullying. Log writes his own episode of Star Trek in an attempt to derive something of worth from the wasted hours spent hate-watching the newest one. And Steve, god bless him, tries his best to simply stay out of their way. Let's go!

421: Urethra With Us Or Against Us

Good morning Patreon! In this episode... WOW! Joe screams and howls until flying kicks are reinstated in society. AMAZING. Steve brings you a hands-on preview of the new PlayStation. OH PLEASE. And Log embarks on an journey right up Joe's, well, umm, how else can we put this, penois.

Well, let's not waste any more time. The quicker we start the quicker we're done and we can all get back into bed.

420: Claim Your Free Yacht Bird

Patreons. Watch out! This episode entitles you to one free yacht, redeemable at your nearest marina. Log will tell you everything you need to know to get the most out of your new boat. Then Joe will unravel his own misapprehensions about what a bird is descended from. Then we'll break for lunch, have a think about what we've all done, and come back for more juice.

Love you!

419: Should've Gone To Dream Pterodactyl

Hey lovely lovely patrons, do you ever get that thing where you're just about to fall asleep and you suddenly feel yourself falling and you jerk yourself awake again? That's us, giving you a little goodnight kiss. Sorry, we just can't help ourselves!

In this episode, Log dreams up an entire Steve feature. Steve is sick and tired of Specsavers sending him letters about his untested eyeballs. And Gav is a reassuring presence keeping everything from falling to pieces.

Our evolution from dirty dollarpillar to beautiful poundfly is almost complete

Hey readers!

Just a heads up. You might have noticed that, because we got excited and switched our Patreon page's currency from USD to GBP halfway through October, Patreon might have charged you two amounts: half of your pledge in dollars, and the other half in pounds.

The total amount pledged should be the same, but if you're worried that it's not, just message us and we'll put things right.

And if you're in the UK and you're still supporting us in USD, please cons...

418: The Alienest Fiverr Timezone

Hey, Patreons! It's me, the Regular Features Podcast. Let me open up way wide for you. Excuse me. Wow, what have we got here?! Gav has rented a Morgan Freeman voice. Joe has got the Alienest alien show of London. And Steve refuses to put his clock back, like a real time criminal. Hope you like our voices because that's all this is, baby.

417: Haunted Space Treasure

Good morning, dear patrons. 

In this episode we're back to basics, stripped down, nude and unplugged. Log invites us to a haunted manor. Steve searches the cosmos for treasures untold, and Gav spends the night in a spooky, nay-spook-tastic, cottage. That's right, it's Regular Features doing what it does best: premature, mid-October ghost whimsy. Enjoy!