regularfeatures

416: Pubwatch Wizard Squash

Hey patreons! Let us whet your ears with our special ear-whetting words. Are they whet yet? Then let's begin, baby.

In this episode, Steve is chased around his place of work by a mean wizard. Joe invites us on a squash flavoured adventure of pickleball proportions. And Log reports back from yet another informative and helpful pubwatch session that's not an absolute waste of his time.

Also, did you know that...

You can pledge in pounds now! Would you mind?

Pounds like what the queen has in her mouth!

Why does this matter? Well, if you've pledged in dollars and you live in the UK, you're currently spaffing away a small currency conversion fee to your bank every time you support us. Spaff, spaff, spaff, and Brian Barclaycard is laughing all the way to the bank, where he lives. Then we have to pay those fees again, when we withdraw the dollars all the way across an Atlantic Ocean. Sigh!

However, if you 2020-10-13 18:28:38 +0000 UTC View Post

415: Akon City Trump Rap

Hey patrons!

In this episode of the Regular Features podcast, Joe investigates Akon's ambitious city building side gig, Steve waxes poetic about Trump's havin' honked up a hot guff of rona, and Gav uncovers the hidden meaning behind the song titles of some of your most revered rap megastars. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own two eyes.

Actually love you x

414: Rainy Stink Eggs

Knock knock, open wide, see what's on the other side. Oh, it's Patrons! We love those guys.

In this episode, Steve ranks a box of eggs. Joe got a big damn stink following him around. Gav has become infatuated with the rain. You can't say fairer than that, can you? If you can, if you're able to say fairer than that, please write to us and let us know how you did it, because we're stumped.

Love ya x

413: Honey I Nutted The Cheerios

Hello there you sweet little things x

Grab the heaviest spoon in the kitchen and tuck into this week's big bowlful of ice cold Regular Features, fortified with so much vitamin BEE it will make your freakin' head spin off into a bin and the bin man come and he take it away. Wow!

In this episode, Gav challenges you to name the cereal in his mouth, Steve has been forging documents, and a-Log-forever-on-the-backfoot scrambles to implement yet more last-minute government-mandated pande...

412: Wet Eggs and Big Boys

Hey readers, it's us, Regular Features. How are you doing? We're fine thanks.

In this episode? Joe's got saturated eggs from Morrisons. Steve confers the insatiable libido of Mister Game & Watch. And friend of the podcast Zim has an update on the status of his biggest boys. 

411: The Xbox Replacement Room

Hello you lovely lot.

In this episode, Log lines up his successor, Steve is confounded by the sheer number and variety of new Xboxes, and Gav presses the big red abort button on a feature too hot for even his tastes. 

410: Dark Milk Teeth

Good evening you lovely lot. 

Open your hearts and close your eyes, fill your boots and empty your pockets, it's another episode of the Regular Features podcast. In this one, Joe's been eating in a dark room, Steve's been investigating his dentist's personal habits, and Log's courted sponsors of the dairy variety.

My pasta is boiling over so I must stop writing this description x

409: How To Clean Your Unicorn

Hey Google spiders, wrap your little legs around this bad boy. Steve lays out the steps required to properly disinfect a desk. HOW HIEGHT IS A TOM CRUISE. Gav's been off to see Tenet. BERNIE SANDERS NUDES PICS THAKNS. And Log has had a visit from a detective horse who investigates cryptic murders. VIDEO OF CAT.

Alright, we're done here. Wrap it up and let's go.

408: Mac DeMarcosoft Flight Simulator

Every time I upload these episodes it asks me to select a genre, and so I scroll down to the "comedy" tag and select it with all the unearned confidence of a Jimmy Carr type person, boldly declaring that what we do is so categorically hilarious that an entire Amazon Web Services database needs to know about it. I am disgusting. Hello.

In this episode, Gav is haunted by real sausages, real mash. Steve encounters a weirdo tutorial in Microsoft Flight Simulator. And Log is here too, an und...

407: The Brown Email Buffalo

Look, can we just get past the fact that Log recorded the first two-thirds of this podcast underwater? It's really distracting from the fact that Steve learned loads about a Georgian gardener so that he could be really Irish again. And what about poor Joe? Joe read out an entire email, start to finish! Can he get some applause? No, because Log went underwater, then met a famous person who made him talk about men drinking pant-water. Typical. 

406: Eating Out Kermit

Hello BEST readers. We hope you're hungry, because we've cooked up a three course feature meal just for you. 

For your starter, Joe is not best pleased with the new voice of Kermit the Frog. For your side salad, Steve's been tucking into a government-funded Wagamama. And for your main? Oh no, Gav tripped and dropped his big pot of stew down an open drain, and now all mice and rats are drinking it. Whoops. 

405: The Beefeater Teeth Awards

Look what the cat just dragged in: another episode of the Regular Features podcast. As if butter wouldn't melt. As if the cat that drags us around wouldn't use its hot cat breath to melt butter, given half the chance. Get a grip. Who do we think we are?

Well we're Steve, Log and Joe, amd we've come back with features about beefeaters, CAMRA awards and an angry man from corporate who didn't sign off on anyone's teeth. Least of all yours.

Thanks for being a patreoonie patoonie, you'...

404: Morricone's Boner Music

Welcome back to the Regular Features lab where we build clones of the boys for each consecutive week of podcasting. Please WATCH YOUR STEP we spilled some of the juice that makes Log and it will try and slide up your trousers. Anyway, this week our latest batch of semi-conscious homunculi farted out some podcast or other. The Joe one talked about sucking on a PlayStation controller, the Steve thing wrote some popular new fiction about wangs, and the mess we call Gav says a dead man did some s...

403: Werner Herzog's Coin Drafts

Hey patrons, it's another piping hot rod of Regular Features. You could set your watch to these recent few episodes, but it would be a very bad watch and you'd frequently show up to appointments days late, banging on the windows and demanding to be allowed inside for your mani-pedi or whatever it is that readers do these days.

In this one: Log gingerly fingers his way through his drafts folder. Steve fingerly gingers his way through Rishi Sunak's new budget. And Joe smingerly dingers hi...

402: Political Bee Teeth

Good day Patrons.

Politics. Right? It's bloody everywhere. Keir Starmer. Wow. In this episode of the Regular Features podcast, Gav's gone politics mad about a biscuit baby, Steve has an entire parliament of teeth to contend with, and Joe does some serious bee science.

The ayes have it.

Let's go.

401: The Bad Fairy Liquid Baby Is Teleporting the Grease into my Stomach

So I guess we're doing another hundred of these things? Alright then. Easy. Doesn't even bother us. Gav digs up feature dregs from the bottom of the ideas barrel and dusts them off, good as new. Steve is being haunted by a horrible adult baby who lives under the sink. And Log prepares his pub for a socially distanced reopening.

We hope you enjoyed the last 400 episodes half as much as you're going to enjoy the next 400. Thanks for all the support. We love you x

400: The Lockdown Live Extravanganza

Hello you beautiful Patrons! 

Here's a HUGE 2 hour live show to celebrate us reaching Episode 400. 

We're absolutely gutted we couldn't do a proper live show and celebrate with you but The Rona did us all a dirty. Hopefully this is almost as nice. 

I don't think we ever thought we'd do 400 episodes of this beautiful podcast which is now a big and important part of our lives. We genuinely wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the generous support of our Patrons so ...

We're LIVE right now!

We've just started our livestream podcast but you've probably not missed anything if you want to jump in right now. Click the link above - go on, aren't you even a little bit curious??

LOVE YOU. 

Team Featch x 

Regular Feature LIVE - Saturday June 13th

We're going to attempt something no podcast has done before - a LIVESTREAMED podcast! 

Hit the link above for all the details and to set your reminders. 

See you there. 

Team Featch x 

PATREON BONUS: 4 Boyz No Featurez

We tried to record an episode of Regular Features but forgot the most important ingredient - FEATURES!! 

It's not suitable for public consumption and should only be listened to by our favourite people in the world so keep this under your fuckin' hats, alright?

This is a secret file just for cool-ass patrons so it won't show up in your podcast apps but if you wanted to add it manually then go to your Patreon Memberships page and you should have a private RSS link which is just...

399: Cleaning Out The Pipes

Hey Patrons! Guess what? It's us again. I know right? We're interminable. Can't keep us off this thing.

In this episode, Gav fights back against unimaginatively titled porn parodies, Log discovers Dominic Cummings's old diary, and Steve finds a curious guest has been living in his plumbing.

We Love You, Please Watch

https://youtu.be/FiYVZI8H_Ms 

The above link is where the show will be - you can even set a reminder on that page to let you know when we're going live, just in case you can't remember stuff, or don't LOVE US ENOUGH LIKE WE LOVE YOU ACTUALLY.

398: Juicy Susan's Big Bruisin' Hoochie Mama Singalong

Hey patrons!

We weren't here for you last week, so have a luxurious king size episode on us. Lay down on it baby, roll around, grind your muddy shoes into the sheets and just soak it all up at your own pace. 58 minutes, hoo-whee, that's long enough to make whoever edited it wonder if they left a big chunk of something in there that they shouldn't have.

Gav's mam's got WhatsApp quibbles, Steve's left glute's got muscle troubles, and Joe's ears have got podcast bubbles. It's Regular...

Le Snook [Album Version]

In a fit of worry that technology would fail me, I spent some time trying to make a "Studio Quality" recording of Le Snook, the hot new addition to the snooker music genre I debuted on this week's episode. It's basically exactly the same, but I've got some reverb and there's a bit where I laugh at myself indulgently. I just can't abide people not knowing that I put in a real graft, so please enjoy it if you will.

Fun fact: I didn't have the adjust the pitch of The Entertainer or Gymnop...

397: Snooker Loopy

Hey PATREONS!

Pot the reds then screw back for a brand new episode of the hippest podcast on the baize. It's Regular Features, you filthy little pocket botherers, and this week we've gone simply loopers for the ol' spoopers. The snockets, the cue stew, the hot pink smackers. It's SNOOKER baby, and that's all she wrote.

Log's got a side-gig writing for right-wing journals. Joe is doing the snooker thing I just mentioned. And Steve's been watching too much RuPaul to do anything else...

396: Stephen Hendry's Birthday Turnips

Hey Patrons! Don't you just hate it when you get a duff Kinder Egg and the capsule is just full of matted old hair? Sure, you could try to prop the wiry tuft up next to your completed collection of Tiny Terrapins and pretend that all is well, but it just doesn't fit in, and to be frank, it stinks of petrol.

Anyway. In this episode, Log recalls the times he met Joe, Steve recalls the time Stephen Hendry was trapped inside his own panic room, and Matt goes nips deep in the stalk market. H...

395: Horns 'n' Hooves

Hey patrons. HEY. How are you doing. I'm fine thanks. How about this rain tho?

Here's a nice little edible arrangement for you. BITE into Log's feature about competitive horniness. SUCKLE on Joe's story of an elk in a department store. NIBBLE on Steve's heart-wrenching tale of horseloss. Then give us your biggest smile, because you're on camera baby.

We're watchin ya!

394: The Baby Is Always Bigger On The Other Side

Hey PATRONS.

You know how you can revive a sleepy bee with a tiny teaspoon of sugar water? That works on us too.

In fact, why don't you come round when this is all over and pipette some of that sweet shug-shug into our glug-glugs to give us the pep we need to get going in the morning? You have our express permission to appear by our bedside before dawn and intubate us with the holy syrup our bodies demand. It's what friends do.

In this episode, Steve defrauds Catchphrase and...

393: Rainbow Boy Workout

Hello there patrons. Can you believe it's Thursday already? Wow. WOW. I mean really. Get serious. Come on now. Seriously. Thursday? No, I refuse! Source? Do you have any identification? If you're from the gas company you'd have a badge. No you cannot inspect my meter. Okay fine you may, but stay away from my bucket of priceless doubloons, which I keep under the stairs. Now, I must use the bathroom. I have terrible IBS so I'll be gone for at least ten minutes, just let yourself out. Thursday i...